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Frequently Asked Questions
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the
divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you
man and wife.'
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Patrick stopped by the local Pub on his way home from work. He stayed a bit longer than he should have so he decided to let his wife know so she wouldn't worry. He sent her this text:
"Mary, I'm just having one more pint with the lads. If I'm not home in 20 minutes, read this message again."
Loved that one, good for St Paddy's or anytime.
A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you
everything from the sound it makes." She doesn't believe him but drops it
on the counter anyway.
He says," That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for>
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on
the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally passes a little gas. At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale
for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
"Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and
the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around!
That's what its all about
.I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding
back of the time I took my son out for his first drink. Off we went to our local bar, which
is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him a Murphy's; he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with Beamish and O'Hara's and Kilkenny.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey .
. . I could hardly push the stroller back home.
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Why did the blonde dye her hair to a brunette?
A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18
hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your
last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."
"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my
favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"
"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all,
I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"
A man enters a church and finds the Priest. "How
may I help you son?" asks the Priest.
"I'm looking for my wife, she said she would be here
but as I can see she’s not around. Now that am here,
I would like to confess".
They go to the confession area, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned."
"What are your sins my son?"
The man replies, "The other day, I went looking for
my wife at her home but she was not there. I found
her sister alone... and I slept with the sister."
"Oh, that is sin, but at least you came to confess."
"Then another day I went looking for her at her
aunt's place but she was not there, I found her
cousin alone, I slept with the cousin".
"You know that is wrong my son."
"Then the other day I went looking for her at her
working place. She was not there, I found her
The Priest interrupts, "Let me guess, you slept with
"Yes Father"'. There was silence after that. "Father?"
Father?" Still silent.
The man peeps through and finds out that the Priest
is no longer there . He looks for him and finds him
hiding. "Why are you hiding Father?"
The Priest replies, "I've just realized I’m the only one here and you came looking for your wife."
I went to a revival meeting last night and the preacher came by, put his hand on my head, and shouted "Tonight you will walk home!". I told him "I'm sorry Rev, but I'm not paralyzed. Thanks anyway."
Later, I left the tent and found out my car was stolen.
What does the Easter Bunny get for making a basket?
Two points, just like everybody else.
A man is in the hospital bed with a oxygen mask on his face and an IV in one arm. The nurse's aide comes in an tells the man that she is there to give him a sponge bath. She proceeds to pull the hospital gown up and begins washing his legs. The man says, "Are my testicles black?" The girl is horrified but thinks to herself that she will ignore him and maybe he will be quite. A few minutes later the man yells out "ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?". She thinks to herself that he is going to attract everyone on the floor if she doesn't do something. She says to the man, "Let me see". She takes his member in one hand and testicles in the other and moves them around gently. Finally she says, "They look fine to me." The man reaches up with his free arm and removes the oxygen mask and says " Thank You. That really felt good but listen carefully. Are my test results back?"
love the pun!
An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas. He rose from his bed one morning. It was
a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the
middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church.
'There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads
to take care of the matter."
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Then, Father O'Malley replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin
which is the reason for me call."
3 drunk guys entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination".
The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".
The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
There was this troupe of dancers that traveled around the country dancing in clubs and theaters. They were called the Steppers.
At one club, the Steppers did such a good job of pulling in patrons that the management gave them all the drinks they could drink after the show.
Well, they all got plastered and were having a big party. When it came time to get on their bus to travel to the next town, they did not want to stop partying, so they just moved the party to the bus. As they rode down the highway, you could here their yelling, singing, and laughing for miles.
At a house along that very highway, there lived a family that had a pet snake. It was a viper, and it's name was Peter.
That night, Peter Viper was asleep in his snake house in the back yard. Suddenly, he was awakened by a loud racket. It was the bus carrying the Steppers still having their party.
But Peter didn't know that. In his confusion, he thought he was back in deep dark Africa being pursued by Pygmies. He slithered out of his snake house, headed across the yard as fast as he could, and crossed the highway just in front of the bus.
The bus driver, who was a little sleepy, saw Peter Viper in the road, and mistook him for a giant log. He swerved, and the bus landed in the ditch, drunk Steppers lying everywhere.
The next day, the headline in the paper read: "Peter Viper wrecks a truck of pickled Steppers."
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