Factory Joke Thread – December 2014

When I was a kid my friends used to laugh at me because I wanted to become a comedian.

They're not laughing now!

Even since Sam was a child he had a fear of something under his bed at night.

He went to a psychiatrist and said, “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s something under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” the psychiatrist said. “Come talk to me three times a week and we should get ride of those fears.”

“How much do you charge,” asked Sam
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the psychiatrist.
“I’ll sleep on it,” Sam said.

Six months later the psychiatrist met Sam on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to me about those fears you were having?” asked the psychiatrist.
“Well, 80 bucks a visit three times a week comes to an awful lot of money,” Sam answered. “A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I bought myself a new ute.”

“Is that so?” said the psychiatrist with an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did the bartender cure you?”
Sam answered, “He told me to cut off the legs of my bed! Ain’t nothing under there now.”

There once was a guy named Juan. He was a really nice guy....didn't beat his wife, didn't beat his kids, didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. He lived in a small country in South America. Juan lived a simple life, and was simply happy.
One day, he was sitting in a coffeeshop with a few friends, when the topic of the election for mayor came up. One of his friends said 'Hey Juan, why don't you run? You're a really great guy!' Juan smiled and thanked his friends for their kindness, but they were persistant, as they should be...he was a great candidate and a great guy; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Juan reluctantly agreed, and posted a few signs out to announce his candidacy; he thought of it as kinda a joke Well, as it turned out, when word got around that Juan was running, his popularity grew fast. 'Wow, Juan is running?' 'What a great guy!' 'I heard he doesn't beat his wife, or his kids!' 'Yeah, nor the aarvark in the backyard!' Well, to nobodies surprise (except Juan), he won by a landslide (the other candidate was Oliver North), and was sworn into office with a very surprised look on his face. Well, he saw that there was do getting out of it, so he decided to do his best.
And his best was quite good. The town prospered like it never had before. The crime for the year consisted of someone dropping a lollipop stick on the sidewalk. He spent 6% of the budget, and donated the rest to the Dum Fiters Relief Fund. The townspeople were ecstatic, and his performance turned a lot of heads. Everyone in the town was thrilled with Juan as mayor; he didn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard. Well, at the end of the year, with his term almost up, Juan was pretty pooped. As he sat in the coffeeshop with his friends, reflecting on the year, one suggested that, despite the town's success, the province was in some financial trouble. 'Heck, with Juan's record, he should be governor!' another smiled. Juan wondered why everyone's eyes lit up suddenly. Within hours the campaign was on. All the ads and posters had the same theme: 'Vote for Juan! He doesn't beat his wife, or his kids, or the aardvark in the backyard!' When election day came, there was no doubt about the winner; Juan had been in the lead since the week he had entered. Governer Juan sat back in his padded chair and went to work once again.
His record was brilliant for the two years he spent as governor. The crime rate fell by 2/3, the budget was balanced, education rose sharply, and the province's Soccer Team sold out every game that Juan attended (he was a big Soccer Buff). The whole country was now buzzing with Juan;s work. Everyone commented how he was such a great guy, how he didn't beat his wife, how he didn't beat his kids, and how he didn't beat the aardvark in the backyard. Then the President was shot. This meant that they needed a new president. Normally, they would turn to the vice-president, except for the fact in this case was that the vice-president was the murderer. Hmm. The Governors got together to decide on a new President for the remaining three years of the term. Each one walked into the room with a mailsack full of letters, all of which has similar messages: 'Juan for President!' 'Let Juan preside as President!' 'How can you not select Juan? He doesn't beat his wife, doesn't beat his kids, and doesn't beat the aardavrk in the backyard? What else do you want?' To make a very long story not quite as long, Juan was quickly named president, and the country was glad he did. The country prospered; new trade agreements were made, old disputes were settled, and there was peace throughout the country. Juan was a national hero. One day Juan came home from work exhausted. He put his briefcase down and plopped down in his easy chair. His mind was racing, but he was exhausted. He couldn't concentrate...pressure from everyone...lobbiests want this...governors want that....everyone wants this and that and acccccckkkkk!!!!!! Juan looked out the window into the backyard. As usual, the aardvark was out there slurping up ants. Wander....wander....sluuuurp! Wander.....wander....sluuuurp! The monotonous repetition snapped something in Juan's mind. A sudden rage built up inside of him, something evil and uncontrollable. He stood Unfortunatelty for Juan, his neighbour heard the CRACKs and quickly moved the telescope from Juan's upstairs window, where his daughter was undressing, down to the yard, and witnessed the brutal attack. He immediately phoned the police, and within hours, Juan was behind bars, the aardvark rushed to the hospital, and the telescope back up to the upstairs window. The country was horrified, and the citizens called for nothing less than the usual penalty given out for this type of crime....death by firing squad. It was granted, and the punishment was to be carried out swiftly. Juan stood there, broken and insane.
The firing squad levied their guns at him. 'Ready.......' 'Aim.........' Suddenly, and without warning, the aardvark leapt from the shadows, aimed at Juan and fired a golf gun. The shot boomed throughout the town, and the shot itself went clear through Juan's heart and out his back.
You may be asking yourself in between sobs what a golf gun is?
The answer...well, I don't know. But it sure made a hole-in-Juan.

Good One!!!

... and it cracks me up every time.

Funny

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa Claus stops at one ho-ho-ho

I knew from the start of the Juan and the Aardvark story that I should STOP right there but nooooooooo..... I kept on reading it anyway.

I have nobody to blame but myself. Sigh...

Always trust your instincts
I honestly didn't think anybody would read all the way to the end. LOL

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass in Ponte Verde, Fla., exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on an equally small spit of land.

It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.

However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying:

"Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one."

The golfer complied with some slight misgivings but with a growing belief that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:

"Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true. The voice boomed out again:

"Take another practice swing."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited ... A long silence followed ...

Then the voice again:

"OK, use the old ball."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Naval Air Station.

A ragged old Army pilot was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.

A curious young Navy fighter pilot came by and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.

'Poor old fool,' the Navy fighter jock thought, so he invited the ragged old pilot into the pub and bought him a drink.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the cocky young fighter pilot asked, "So, how many have you caught today?'

Shirley’s Law: Most people deserve each other.

Gallois’ Revelation: If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares to criticize it.

Galbraith’s Law of Political Wisdom: Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Allen’s Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Allen’s Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think. - Dorothy Parker

Avery’s Observation: It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

There was this tramp. One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.
Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."
"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."
"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.
"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."
"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...
... and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"Okay," agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and Mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then... he jumped. Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Pluto, and the other outer planets, through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance. hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet. Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool on the deck, did a last triple flip, and landed...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL.........
SMASH!
Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen."
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it?"
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see, I'm a just poor tramp so you must understand... I've been through many a hard ship in my life."

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/k1bG2EPGmI0?autoplay=...

A farmer had a wooden tractor, with wooden wheels and a wooden engine. And guess what…… IT WOODEN GO!
After he invented the light bulb, people saw Edison in a new light.
A man who wanted to sing in church was wondering if he should inquire.

Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned.

Why did the Zen master refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

his guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband: "You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for £150."

The man thought about it and told him he would have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here for only £150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead ...... I just can't take that chance."

One night a guy took his girlfriend home. As they were kissing each other good night at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling he said, “Honey, would you please give me some oral?”

Horrified, she replied, “Are you mad? My parents will see us.”

“Oh, come on. Who’s going to see us at this hour?, he asked.

“No way. It’s just too risky.”

“Oh, please, please, I love you so much.”

“No. No and no. I love you, too, but I just can’t.”

“Oh, yes you can, please?”

“”No, no I just can’t.

“I’m begging you...”.

“Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on and the girl’s older sister showed up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she said, to her sister “Dad says to go ahead and blow him, or I can do it. Or Mom says she can come down and do it herself. If need be, Dad said he’ll come down and do it.”

Then turning to the boyfriend, she shouted, “But for heaven’s sake take your DAMN hand off the speaker button.”

good one!!!

So Dave is looking for a new job and he gets an interview at a big corporation with the CEO. During the interview the normal questions are asked like what qualifications he has, his flaws, etc... Then the CEO asks Dave, "Give me one solid reason why I should hire you." to which Dave replies, "I literally know everybody." The CEO looking confused says, "What do you mean literally everybody?" Dave explains to the CEO that he literally knows everybody and encourages the CEO to name any one person and he promises he knows them.
"I bet you dont know Tom Cruise", says the CEO
"Tom!? Oh hell yeah! We took a few acting classes together back in college, great guy."
"Bullshit!" the CEO replies, "Im getting us flight right know and we are going to go visit him."
So Dave and the CEO get on a plane and head out west to find Tom Cruise's home. After some searching they find it and go to knock on the door. To the CEO's surprise Tom answers the door and the first thing out of his mouth is, "DAVE! Oh man, I havent seen you in ages, come on in and share a drink with me!" After a few hours of shooting the shit and pounding some brews the CEO and Dave decide its time to leave. On the way to the airport the CEO tells Dave, "Ok, so im still not convinced, I mean, small world right? You couldnt possibly know Tom Cruise AND the president!" Dave smirks and says, "Would you like to go find out?"
The CEO immediately buys plane tickets to go to D.C. to see if Dave is full of shit or not. The two manage to get on a tour of the White House when out of no where the CEO hears somebody yelling, "Dave! Hey! Dave! So good to see you! Ive got a lot of meetings today but lets get a cup of coffee real quick!" The CEO turns around to find that the president is the one yelling at Dave. Stunned and almost convinced that Dave literally knows everybody, the CEO says, "Ok, mister, Tom Cruise and the president, thats impressive, but I highly doubt you know the Pope!" Dave then recalls stories of his parents growing up in a small town with the Pope. The CEO ready to finally call Dave out fronts the bill for tickets to the Vatican to try and meet the Pope. As they stand in the crowd of thousands and thousands of people waiting to be blessed by the Pope, Dave tells the CEO, "Im going to try to get us a better view." Dave makes his way past a few guards and up some stairs and the next thing you know he's walking out next to the Pope.
Dave returns to find the CEO is having a heart attack. Dave asks what happened and the CEO replies,
"I was blown away by the fact you knew the Pope but what really got me was the guy behind me who said, 'Hey! Who is that guy with Dave?'"

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”

Good One

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the jungle, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asked the crocodile. The elephant answered, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." The crocodile said, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory." "Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

good one

So in his wisdom God decreed that seniors would become forgetful that they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things misplaced and so do some walking.
And God Looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was yet a need. So God in his wisdom made seniors loose coordination that they would drop things which would require them to bend and reach and stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the functioning of senior bladders and decided that in His wisdom there might be calls of nature more frequently requiring more trips to the relief station that would burn calories.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

Seniors were obliged to exercise more from these senior shortcomings and did become more active as a result.

So if you find you are required to get up and down more as you age, remember it's God's will and in your best interests even though you mutter under your breath.

Amen! Let it be! And it is good.



that's funny

I called the phone company the other day and said;
"I want to report a nuisance caller."

The operator said: "Not YOU again!"

A blonde was shopping at Target &
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took
it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos.... It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied......
'Two popsicles & some coffee.'

Cute

Berra’s Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.

Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock. A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock. A 50 pound bicycle doesn’t need a lock.

Cohen’s Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.

Colson’s Law: When you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comins’ Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.