Factory Joke Thread – January 2015

Two old guys were talking one said

" The wife and I ate at a really good restaurant last night. The food was great and the service was terrific".

His friend said" Ok what was the name of the Place"?

The first guy said" I don't remember.......What do you call that flower you give a lady on special occasions...You know the red one?

The second guy said "Aw you mean a rose"

The first guy said Ya! that's it. ...Hey Rose...what was the name of that restaurant we ate at last night?

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/newyearsjokes.html

How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

The taste, of course.

-“A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the”Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.”

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."
The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?"
The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him."
The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back."
"No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need."
"Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads."

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."
The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?"
The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him."
The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back."
"No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need."
"Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads."

Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have pepsi, all the other CEO's spits out their beer and start laughing at him and asks why he don't order a beer. The CEO of Guiness shrugs and said "if you girls ain't ordering beer, then neither am I."

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says, “Hey. What are you doing?”

The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come on up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a joint. After awhile the lizard says his mouth is “dry” And he’s going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank the lizard is so stoned he leans over too far and falls in an nearly drowns. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard, helping him to the side.

The crocodile asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains he was sitting in a tree smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He explained how his mouth got dry and he was so wasted that when he went to get a drink he fell into the river.

The crocodile says he has to check this out so he walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is finishing another joint. He looks up and says, “Hey! Monkey!.”

The monkey looks down and says, “Geez, dude... How much water did you drink?”

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired pilot in his early seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them,"I am not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipmen: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl, pant and drool; and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet and purrs. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old pilot replies, "No problem. Just get that damn lion out of there."

I was walking by the prison when I noticed a midget scaling down the wall. When he saw me he scowled and said, "What are YOU looking at?!"

I thought to myself, "Wow. That's a little condescending."

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

A totally drunk mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. His wife is livid.
"You said you'd be home at 11:45!"
"No I didn't," he slurred, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

He needed some arr and arr!

[quot
ainsux]A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired pilot in his early seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them,"I am not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipmen: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl, pant and drool; and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet and purrs. The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired pilot and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old pilot replies, "No problem. Just get that damn lion out of there."[/quote]

I like it

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour: "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side !!

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth about $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! What is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

Looking back at my past New Year's resolutions have been quite insightful -
2010 -I WILL get my weight down to less than 180 pounds.

2011 -I WILL watch my calories until my weight drops below 190 pounds.

2012 -I WILL follow up on my new diet until I get below 200 pounds.

2013 -I WILL work out 5 days a week.

2014 -I WILL work out 3 days per week,

2015 -I WILL try to drive past a Gym at least once a week.

Good One!!!

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Naval Air Station. A ragged old Marine pilot was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle. A curious young Navy fighter pilot came by and asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.

'Poor old fool,' the Navy fighter jock thought, so he invited the ragged old pilot into the pub and bought him a drink. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the cocky young fighter pilot asked, "So, how many have you caught today?'

'You're the eighth,' the old Marine pilot answered.

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines
that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

Yes, they help me sleep at night. "

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear,I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of
orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . .
and believe me, it helps me sleep at night.



After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, 'Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?'

Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Goldwyn’s Law of Contracts: A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Jacquin’s Postulate on Democratic Government: No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

Jones’ Principle: Needs are a function of what other people have.

Langin’s Law: If things were left to chance, they’d be better.

In America, it’s not how much an item costs that matters, it’s how much you save.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don’t understand the situation.

Mencken’s Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.

I have always questioned if Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton were really preachers since they have no church.

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Phoenix Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about.........

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of

God, you will walk today."

I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again, and repeated the same thing.

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.

After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold, my damn car had been stolen!

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have
to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my
children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not
too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not
to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the
adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all
the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

According to the Wall Street Journal those that put their phones on vibrate should not take them out of their pockets because if it is on the table it will cause a tremor that will register on the Richter scale. That is more distracting than a Miley Cyrus ring tone.

18 UNNATURAL LAWS
O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN—Cleanliness is next to impossible.
LIEBERMAN'S LAW—Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.
DENNISTON'S LAW—Virtue is its own punishment.
GOLD'S LAW—If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE—If it's green or it wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
CONWAY'S LAW—In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE—Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
STEWART'S LAW OF RETROACTION—It is easier to get foregiveness than permission.
HARRISON'S POSTULATE—For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
HANLON'S RAZOR—Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
MUIR'S LAW—When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
FIRST RULE OF HISTORY—History doesn't repeat itself—historians merely repeat each other.
FINSTER'S LAW—A closed mouth gathers no feet.
OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION—No matter where you go, there you are.
LYNCH'S LAW—When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS—The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
MANSON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM—The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE—People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have
gotten to be really good friends.

There is a new web site for senior citizens seeking relationships. It is called "Carbon Dating".

Two old guys decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, `You know, I think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her..'

His friend says, 'Could’a been worse, I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch??. . Why would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my damn teeth with her!'

So I'm going through a drive through at a Wendy's today, there's a old POS Chevy Truck, all lifted, not a good looking one mind you, looks like hell, but it's WAY up in the air; on the back, in the letters you buy at a hardware store, the adhesive backed ones, it states:

THIS TRUCK IS LIFTED BECAUSE FAT GIRLS CAN'T JUMP

I can only send this to my most bent friends. You made the cut.

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no! Get away from me you sicko!"

The bum turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom".

Little Johnny saw his Dad’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and sees Dad and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and excitedly starts to tell his mother, “Mommy, Mommy, I was just at the playground and Dad and...” Mom tell hims to slow down but that she wants to hear the story.

“So Johnny tells her, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, the Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...”

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell the story.

He tells about the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack used to do when Daddy was in the service.”

Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge? Oh, no, replied Mrs. O'Connor.

Sure now, we only have a carport. The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up? No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. I'm always first out of bed.

Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices? Sure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have. "Bless you, sir. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds.

Mrs. O'Connor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Sure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation.

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going,
everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Happen to everyone Lol

Nancy just received terrible news. Her beloved grandfather just passed away. She went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 92 year old grandmother and offer her some comfort.

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "It was a heartattack, he got it while we were making love Saturday morning."

Horrified, Nancy told her grandmother that 2 people nearing 100 years of age having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

church bells"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

A guy wanted a tattoo of his name in Russian. He put his name into Google translate. He now has 'No Translation' in Russian tattooed on his back.

Makes sense...to me...

Ron

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD:

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it goes . . .

I decide to clean off the front patio. I start to the patio and notice mail on the desk that needs to be taken down to the Post Office. OK, I'm going to the Post Office . . .

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail that was delivered. I lay the car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk . . .

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills . . . Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty coffee cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks . . .

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I start to head for the kitchen and look out at my balcony, notice the flowers need a drink of water because of the extreme heat. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter.

What are they doing here? I'll just put them away . . .

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and . . .

Aaaagh!!! Someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants on my balcony . . .

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: The patio has not been cleaned, bills still unpaid, cup still on the counter, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys . . .

And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because . . .

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious . . .

I'd get help . . .

BUT FIRST . . . I think I'll check my e-mail.

Good One!!!

Good.

The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
The Amish Phone Directory
Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
French Hospitality
Everything Women Know About Men
Everything Men Know About Women
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
Different Ways To Spell Bob
Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
The Wild Years-By Al Gore
Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
Human Rights Advances In China
To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.

Seen a lot of computer jokes but this one is new to me

Two peanuts were walking down the road.
One was a salted.

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."