Factory Joke Thread – December 2014

1. If a camp member should get lost, the distress signal is three shots, with an interval of 10 seconds between shots. This is so members may distinguish between the truly lost and those who are merely poor marksmen.

2. Nobody over 300 pounds permitted in upper bunks for any reason. One member is still removing plywood splinters from his backside after last year’s incident involving Tiny Binstock.

3. No lawyers allowed as guests. Ever. Even if he or she is a blood relation.

4. A dish is deemed clean if the user cannot identify last foodstuff eaten off of it.

5. Any hunter observed missing a shot under 150 yards at a standing deer will have his shirttail cut off in the presence of all camp members that evening. However, the “Henderson exception” stipulates that no hunter shall have more than three shirts destroyed in said manner per day.

6. Polypropylene long johns may be worn for no more than five days, or until fumes can be seen emanating from them, whichever comes first.

7. The Saran Wrap-over-the-outhouse-seat trick may not be perpetrated after the first week of hunting season.

8. A member shooting a buck under 100 pounds live weight (or doe under 70 pounds) must leave the animal where it drops. A party including the shooter and a majority of members present will then be assembled to retrieve the deer. Members hauling the carcass will express incredulity at the immense size of the animal and voice the fear of injuring their backs. This is intended to promote camaraderie and group cohesion.

9. A deer taken by a member may gain no more than 2 antler points per hunting year, with a 4-point maximum. To wit, a 6-pointer may be referred to as an 8-pointer the following season, and a 10-pointer the season after, but will never become a 12-pointer no matter how long the hunter lives.

10. Peeing off the porch is prohibited during daylight hours. Peeing off the south end of porch after dark is permitted provided no members are sleeping in impact zone.

11. Any boy shooting his first buck will, at that evening’s dinner, be given the choice of eating either the right or left testicle of the buck. Cook will serve 2 hush puppies of not less than 3 inches diameter each to the boy. After a suitable silence, boy’s father or guardian will say, “Hell, I’ll make it easy for you, son,” and consume one hush puppy whole. He will then smack his lips and declare, “Now that’s a good testicle!”

12. All poker debts incurred after 9 p.m. are to be rolled one decimal point to the left. Thus, $100 becomes $10, $1,000 becomes $100, etc.

13. Cellphones used during the hunt will be confiscated and dropped down the most-used hole in the outhouse, to be retrieved at their owners’ convenience.

Geez! Your camp is no fun at all! LOL

Ron

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss
the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, Bert's wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)??

'For F*-#?? sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

I resemble that joke.

Good One!!!

Christmas Joke

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Kentucky farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The old Kentucky farmer replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home.
I was met with a stony silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle. Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! What are we going to do?" Said the other ant: "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Sh$t.

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

A giant moth walks into a psychiatrist's office...
and the doctor, taken slightly aback, wonders what this monstrous creature is doing in his establishment. Nevertheless, being a good doctor, he asks the moth to sit down and tell him about his problems.
The moth sighs a long sigh, one that shows a deep disgust for life.
"Well, Doctor, I'm in a sort of existential slump, I've lost my zest for life. Things that used to fill me with joy now leave me with an aching absence in my chest, a yawning cavity that holds nothing and says nothing, just an incredible sense of the insignificance of life in general and me as an example of it.
I look at my wife across the table every day at dinner and no longer recognize the woman I fell in love with. She has become vapid, shallow, the sort of superficial bimbo that I always despised when I was growing up. Maybe it simply proves that I was never as significant as I imagined, that I am on the same level as those I formerly looked down on. That my sense of being special and unique is just a biological ruse, something that forces me to cling to life.
And the most shattering is that I look at my son and realize that I despise him as well. He holds this mirror up to me, shows me as the mediocre shell I am, spinning my wheels and waiting for the release that only oblivion can bring."
The doctor looked deep into the moth's tortured eyes and was clenched by a mixed feeling of pity and revulsion, knowing that there were aspects of the moth's soliloquy that touched the very core of his own being. He cleared his throat.
"Well, I'd love to prescribe you some antidepressants, but they're designed to work on humans. Why did you even come in here?"
"Well, the door was open and your lamp was on."

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.
The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.!
So the fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should
remember fairies are female......

A wife was upset when the came home early and found her husband in the bedroom having sex with a very attractive young lady.
“Your are a pig,” she cried. “How dare you do this to your faithful wife, the mother of your children? I’m leaving you. I want a divorce as soon as possible.”
The husband replied, “Hang on a minute, love, so I can explain what happened.”
“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you say to me.”

The husband began “We,, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed she was very thing, not well dressed and dirty. She told me she hadn’t eaten in three days.”
In my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.”

The poor thing devoured them in minutes. Since shed needed cleaning up I suggested a shower. While she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed new clothes I gave her the designed jeans you have had for a few years but don’t wear because you say they’re too tight.”
“I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present which you don’t wear because you say I don’t have good taste.”
“I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas and that you don’t wear to annoy her. I gave her the expensive boots you bought at a boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair.”
She was so grateful for my understanding and help as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and asked, “Please, do you have anything else your wife doesn’t use?”

LOL I didn't see that coming!

A magic tractor rode down the road, when suddenly, it turned into a field!

Tinker Bell can be so naughty. Like it.

The worm on the bottom of a bottle of tequila proves if you drink tequila you won't have worms.

Tequila = Health

I have an uncle that's a magician: he can walk down the street and turn into a bar.

98% of Americans say 'oh shit' before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from upstate New York and they say, 'hold my beer and watch this!'

I have a bumper sticker that reads "Honk if you think I'm sexy".
I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

Good One!!!

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother
was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was aCalifornian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was anAmerican Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because
there was still work to do

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this ?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."



Time for a break.

A passenger flight is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto."

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas----
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day
in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local
police station…The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's
Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye
be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Harrison’s Postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Conway’s Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Stewart’s Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

MacDonald’s Second Law: Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.

First Law of Laboratory Work: Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

Handy Guide to Modern Science: If it’s green or it wiggles, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it doesn’t work, it’s physics. If it’s incomprehensible, it’s mathematics. If it doesn’t make sense, it’s either economics or psychology.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

The Sausage Principle: People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

How did the farmer find his sheep in the tall grass?

Satisfying.

Cute nice

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented,"Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued,"When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying 'Who gives a crap?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?' "

A burglar broke into my house in the middle of the night last night.
I woke up and said, "What the hell are you doing in my house!"
He said, "Looking for money and valuables."
I said, "Hold on . . . let me get my robe. I'll help you."

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, “Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.

The father thought about it for some time and said, “OK son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let’s say I’m capitalism because I’m the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that hep any?’’

Little Johnny said, “Well, Dad, I don’t know, but I’ll think about what you said.’’ Later that night after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother’s crying. Upon investigation he found a dirty diaper. Johnny went down the hall to his parents’ bedroom and found his father’s die of the bed empty. He couldn’t wake his mother. Then he saw light on in the guest room down the hall. When he reached that door he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldn’t do anything else, Johnny went back to bed. The next morning he told his father at breakfast that he though he understood politics better now.

His father asked what he learned.

Johnny thought for a minute and answered, “I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people and the future is full of crap.’’

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

He finds a native village on the shore. The people there take him in, and he has a pleasant life while waiting for rescue. Only one thing bothers him. From the villages up in the hills he can hear drums beating constantly, night and day.
He talks to the chief of the village, "Those drums are driving me crazy. They never stop. I can't sleep."
The chief says, "When drums stop, very bad."
"What do you mean? Are they war drums? Is there going to be a battle?"
"When drums stop, very bad."
"What's so bad? What happens when the drums stop?"
"Bass solo."

Good One!!!

You pick up a hitchhiker... A beautiful girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car and
you take her to the hospital.

Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and
congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed,
The doctor says the test shows you're infertile,
And probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over
the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it
past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Horngren’s Observation: (generalized) The real world is a special case.

Merkin’s Maxim: When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

Hawkin’s Theory of Progress: Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Matz’s warning: Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

Gold’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

Lewis’ Law: People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.

Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.

I just accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs.Maynard,

has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.

All we did was correct his eyesight."

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish man replied, "I know the guy."

Money is scarce
Times are hard
Here's your dammed
Old Christmas card
Merry Christmas
_________________________

I'm writing this note to
remined you that
inflation has taken away
the things that I hold
essential
My workshop, My reindeer,
My Sleigh
__________________________

Now I'm making my rounds
on a donkey
He's old, He's crippled, He's slow
so you'll know if I don't see
you at Christmas
that I'm out on my ass
in the snow
_________________________

And a Happy New Year

(author unknown)

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says, "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard ...
let's see how THEY like it!

Merry Christmas all - jokes are cute... well some of them! How about we ease up on the blond jokes...

I'll have to try that!

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night . . .

Mildred was admitted to the hospital . . .

...with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Or type them slowly for those who can't read fast