Factory Joke Thread – August 2014

Secrets to a long life

A TOUGH OLD CATTLEMAN FROM JINDABYNE COUNSELLED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY UNTIL THE AGE OF 103, WHEN SHE DIED.
SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 135-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

Haha cute

Cute

Hear about the limo driver who had no customers for a year?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

2/3 of a pun.

One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor... not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin's arrow. He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga's in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the environmental movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga's out to dry. He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place. After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisers. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his workers stuck standing there. Until of course, one of his advisers whispered to him: . . . "Beware, the tides of starch."

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." "Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

Good One!!

Heard it before but funny every time ...

but I liked it.

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!"

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, "It's in his pocket!"

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, "I give up, what'd you do with the ship?

That made me laugh out loud.

Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There’s always one more bug.

Shaw’s Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jennings’ Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity: The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.

Wyszkowski’s Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Sattinger’s Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Lowery’s Law: If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Schmidt’s Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it’ll break.

Anthony’s Law of Force: Don’t force it - get a bigger hammer.

Cahn’s Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Gordon’s First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it’s not worth doing well.

Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Maier’s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

Peer’s Law: The solution to the problem changes the problem.

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Bokonon

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can’t make him think.

Don’t get mad, get even.

Carson’s Law: It’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.

Mark’s mark: Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."

So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time.

The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I stole a kid's bike."

The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."

When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"

The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The third nun said proudly, "I peed in the holy water!"

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

At a session, last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few, minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go to get her."

Mon, 08/04/2014 - 8:00am @Tomkk

Because Seniors are too old and tired to fight,

They'll just shoot your butt instead.

I'm a Senior!

Nuvi1300WTGPS

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response. Here are some of the
replies; some are hilarious...if you have been married for
quite a while, a sign of true love... who else would you reply to in such a succinct and honest way.
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the heck did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???

Since most of the jokes have been "puns" here are mine.. OVERLOAD!

*Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

*I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

*I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

*It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

*I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

*Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

*I used to be a banker but I lost interest

*I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

*My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

*The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

*What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

*To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

*Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

*There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

*He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

*When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

*A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

*I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

*Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

*A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

*The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

*Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

*Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

*A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation.

*There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

*Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

*A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

*The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

*Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

*Funniness and cleverness have always been two notable factors for rating puns, but the third has groan in significance.

*Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.

*Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

*People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

*I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

*The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.

*The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

*I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.

*When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

*The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

*Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.

*When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

*When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

*A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

*I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

*The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

*No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

*Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.

*Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

*I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

*What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

*I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

*I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

*There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

*I knew a woman who owned a taser, man was she stunning!

*A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

*Some people's noses and feet are built backwards: their feet smell and their noses run.

*When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

*Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

*I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.

*It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

*I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.

*What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

*I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.

*I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

*Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

*My elderly aunt loves telling jokes while she knits. She is a real knitwit.

*I tried to look up impotence on the Internet but nothing came up.

*Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

*The tarantula found his partner online. He spider on the web.

*I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

*Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

*I was struggling to figure out how lightning works then it struck me.

*If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

*The ancient Romans only gathered once a week, because that was enough forum.

*I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.

*A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

*The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

*My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

*Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.

*Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

*I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

*Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

*John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

*If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

*For a while, Houdini used a lot of trap doors in his act, but he was just going through a stage.

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

Thanks for the laugh

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance

OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted

OLD ACTORS never die, they just drop a part

OLD ALCAHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted

OLD ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die, they just become history

OLD ARCHERS never die, they just bow and quiver

OLD ARCHITECTS never die, they just lose their structures

OLD ASSETS never die, they just depreciate

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world

OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay

OLD BANKERS never die, they just lose interest

OLD BANKERS never die, they just want to be a loan

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go batty

OLD BASEBALL PLAYERS never die, they just run their last lap

OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling

OLD BEEKEEPERS never die, they just buzz off

OLD BIKERS never die, but they're hard on tires

OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away

OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away

OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die, they just lose their figures

OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print

OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter

OLD BRAKES never die, they just grind down

OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse

OLD BRIDGE PLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces

OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered

OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away

OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away

OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

OLD CANNERS never die, they are preserved

OLD CARS never die, they just get run into the ground

OLD CASHIERS never die, they just check out

OLD CHAUFFEURS never die, they just lose their drive

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just fail to react

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just reach equilibrium

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just smell that way

OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die, they just kick the bucket

OLD COMPOSERS never die, they just decompose

OLD COMPUTER PEOPLE never die, they just lose their memory

OLD COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte the dust

OLD COOKS never die, they just get deranged

OLD COURIERS never die, they just keep on EXPRESSing it!

OLD CREDIT CARDS never die, they just expire

OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get bowled over

OLD CRICKETERS never die, they just get smashed for six

OLD DANCERS never die, they just step away

OLD DAREDEVILS never die, they just get discouraged

OLD DEANS never die, they just lose their faculties

OLD DENTISTS never die, they just lose their pull

OLD DIETERS never die, they just waist away

OLD DIVERS never die, they just extend their bottom time

OLD DIVERS never die, they just flop

OLD DIVERS never die, they just get board

OLD DIVERS never die, they just lose their spring

OLD DOCTORS never die, they just lose their patience

OLD EDITORS do it with a red pen

OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact

OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on...

OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings

OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White

OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled

OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet

OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go cold

OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost

OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed

OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away

OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers

OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way

OLD FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone

OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket

OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away

OLD FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool

OLD FROGS never die, they just croak

OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes

OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire

OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize

OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate

OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive

OLD GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez

OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount

OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded

OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips

OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air

OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away

OLD HIPPIES never die, they just smell that way

OLD HOCKEY PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal

OLD HOMEBREWERS never die, they just ferment away

OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED

OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it

OLD HYPOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe

OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just...don't

OLD INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off

OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over

OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young

OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed

OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again

OLD KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die, they just punch out

OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate

OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up

OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils

OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal

OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just check out

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved

OLD LIBRARIANS never die, they just lose their references

OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out

OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under

OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they just change color

OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just they're just fooling themselves

OLD MAIDS count on fingers, but young girls count on legs

OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms

OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate

OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent

OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just lose some functions

OLD MEDIUMS never die, they are just visiting their friends

OLD MERCENARIES never die, they find someone else to take their place

OLD MERCENARIES never die, they just go to hell to regroup

OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up

OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey

OLD MINISTERS never die -- they just go out to pastor

OLD MP's never die, they just attain peerage

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just decompose

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar

OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line

OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed

OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot

OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces

OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas

OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home

OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing

OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off

OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane

OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction

OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it

OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain

OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out

OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip

OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory

OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses

OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse

OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas

OLD PROSITUTES never die, they just fake away...

OLD PUNTERS never die, they just go horse

OLD QUARTERBACKS never die, they just fade back and pass away

OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go to pieces

OLD QUILTERS never die, they just go under cover

OLD RADIOS never die, they just stop receiving

OLD RAILROADERS never die, they just derail

OLD RAIN PUDDLES never die, they just dry up

OLD SAILORS never die, they just get a little "DINGHY"

OLD SAILORS never die, they just lose their porpoise

OLD SALESMEN never die, they just go out of commission

OLD SCHOOLS never die, they just lose their principals

OLD SCOTS never die, but they can be kilt

OLD SCULPTORS never die, they just lose their marbles

OLD SEAMSTRESSES never die, they just come to the point

OLD SEERS never die, they just lose their vision

OLD SEWAGE WORKERS never die, they just waste away

OLD SHEETROCKERS (dry wallers) never die, they just hang around

OLD SHOES MAKERS never die, they just lose their sole

OLD SKIERS never die, but they go downhill fast

OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal

OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick

OLD SOLDIERS never die, they just fade away

OLD SOLDIERS never die, they just smell that way

OLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones do

OLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment away

OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in

OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper

OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just fall off their blocks

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just have a stroke

OLD SWIMMERS never die, they just kick-off

OLD SYSTEM USERS never die, they just chdir to NULL

OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding

OLD TAPE DISPENSERS never die, they just get used up

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class

OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing

OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy

OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured

OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it

OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities

OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...

OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt

OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon

OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic

OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football

OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive

OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back

OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.

OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering

OLD WANTS never die, they become needs

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just run out of time

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just unwind

OLD WATCHMAKERS never die, they just wind down

OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever

OLD WHITE WATER RAFTERS never die, they just get disgorged

OLD WOOL COATS never die, they just become mothballed

OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

OLD YACHTSMEN never die, they just keel over

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, -- but their future is doubtful

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

I didn't see that coming!

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual.

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Q: Why do farmers put bells on cows?

A: Their horns don't work.

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

2. On all your check stubs, write 'For Marijuana'!

3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!

8.Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...’

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: my favorite.

10. Go to a large Department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out: “THERE IS NO PAPER IN HERE”!