Factory Joke Thread – July 2014

DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

A fine way to start off the month!

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear
Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up
there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear
falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the
back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

I'll post jokes later, I promise. I just wanted to ask if our Moderators could perhaps enhance this page, by adding a link to the former / following months' pages at the top ? I know I always need to search for the current month's joke when a new month starts...

Thanks in advance !

A man goes to the confessional and begins, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth, and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the priest again.

"Well, no," says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies.

"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asks the now impatient priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, rolled through a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The priest sighs. "You missed the putt, didn't you?"

Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where it comes down to the last putt. If Charlie makes the 10-foot putt, he wins the $200 pot.

Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he's about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.

Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits in total silence until the funeral procession is completely passed. Only then does Charlie pick up his putter and begin lining up the putt again.

"Wow," one of his opponents says. "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You've got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects to a passing funeral procession? I had no idea you were so sentimental!"

"Well after all," Charlie says, "we were married for 25 years."

Supposedly true warning labels from real products. Do I believe they're really true? Sadly, yes, I do....

In a US guide to setting up a new computer
To Avoid Condensation Forming, Allow The Boxes To Warm Up To Room Temperature Before Opening.
(Sensible, but the instruction was inside the box.)

On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
Lie Down On Bed And Insert Poscool Slowly Up To The Projected Portion Like A Sword-Guard Into Anal Duct. While Inserting Poscool For Approximately 5 Minutes, Keep Quiet.

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
Open Other End.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins
Why Not Try Tossing Over Your Favourite Breakfast Cereal?

On a Sears hairdryer
Do Not Use While Sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos
You Could Be A Winner! No Purchase Necessary. Details Inside.

On a bar of Dial soap
Directions: Use Like Regular Soap.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
Do Not Turn Upside Down.
(printed on bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding
Product Will Be Hot After Heating.

On a Korean kitchen knife
Warning Keep Out Of Children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights
For Indoor Or Outdoor Use Only.

On a Japanese food processor
Not To Be Used For The Other Use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts
Warning - Contains Nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
Instructions: Open Packet, Eat Nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw
Do Not Attempt To Stop Chain With Your Hands Or Genitals.

On a child's superman costume
Wearing Of This Garment Does Not Enable You To Fly.

On some frozen dinners
Serving Suggestion - Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
Fits One Head.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron
Do Not Iron Clothes On Body.

On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
Do Not Drive Car Or Operate Machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid
Warning: May Cause Drowsiness

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large letter on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked: he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his general practitioner, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

Position: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy

Job Description:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

Responsibilities:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

Possibility For Advancement & Promotion:

Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages And Compensation:

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.

Benefits:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

"Great idea!" the husband signs to her.

Then he thinks about how to make up a signal for her. The "A-ha!" look flashes over his face.

"And if you want to have sex with me," he replies, "reach over and pull on my organ one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my organ two hundred and fifty times."

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

-----

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

-----

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

-----

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

-----

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

-----

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

-----

JUDGE: "The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?"

DEFENDANT: "No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens."

-----

Last, Responses to Interrogatories answered by the wife in divorce case:

52. Do you have a proposal to settle this case amicably?

ANSWER: Yes.

53. Assuming your answer to the preceding interrogatory is in the affirmative, please state such a proposal.

ANSWER: Use a silver bullet or a wooden stake as is appropriate in these cases.

There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff overlooking a beautiful valley, and because its bells could be heard over such a wide area, it developed a reputation for attracting only the finest bell-ringers in the country.

There was always a bit of dread when a bell-ringer passed on or retired, and one year, when they spread the word of their need for a new master, there was a dearth of qualified candidates. They would have been good enough for any other monastery, but not this one. Better to have silent bells than anything less than the best.

As they were despairing at the quality of candidates, a man with no arms paid a visit to apply for the position. The monks were amazed and protested that this was no time for joking. But the man insisted, said he was from a family of famous bell-ringers, and he would show them what he could do. He drew back, lowered his head, and charged full speed at the bell. The monks were horrified, but could not stop him. And the sound -- oh my, you should have been there! It was indeed a sound worthy of that monastery. It rang through the valley, and people everywhere stopped in their tracks and nodded to each other that at last a worthy bell-ringer had been found.

But alas, it was not to be. For the impact so stunned the poor armless man that he stumbled dizzily and fell over the cliff. The head monk ran down the steps to where a crowd had gathered, and a policeman spoke to him. "Do you know this man?" The monk sighed, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The search continued. One day not long after, another armless man showed up and presented himself as the previous man's brother. He was there to uphold the family honor, and would show them what a good bell-ringer could do. The monks protested, but too late -- he also drew back and charged full speed into the bell. And once again, the most beautiful sound pealed out over the valley, such that even the birds circled around to see what was happening. And once again, he was so stunned that he too fell over the cliff in a daze.

Once again the head monk scrambled down the stairs to meet the crowd and a policeman. Again he was asked if he knew the deceased. "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Wedding & Engagement Card

Front: "Marriage is a bond that is unbreakable except by two-thirds of the population."

Inside: "But it's you top-third couples that give the rest of us hope."

- - -

Get-Well Card

Front: A big happy face.

Inside: "Hi! Welcome back from your coma!"

- - -

Christmas Card

Front: "Spread some holiday cheer."

Inside: "Or drink alone. Who am I to judge?"

- - -

Wedding & Engagement Card

Front: "Did I hear wedding bells?"

Inside: "Or was that the natural disaster siren? Sometimes I get them confused. Whatever it was, it was loud. Congratulations ... or take cover!"

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all.

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks: "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, the blonde replies: "You fool, you idiot, how on earth could you ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person can't do it.

This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is dumbass cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and see if you can resist passing along the same text to all your friends. I, for one, failed miserably, all the while with a big stupid grin on my face !

Social Worker: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Social Worker: How much a day?

Man: Three six packs.

Social Worker: How much is a six pack?

Man: about $10.00.

Social Worker: And how long have you been drinking that much?

Man: Fifteen years.

Social Worker: So one six pack costs you $10.00, and you have three six-packs a day, which puts your spending each month at about $900. In one year, it would be $10,800. Correct?

Man: Yeah, that math works out. Sure.

Social Worker: If in one year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at around $162,000, correct?

Man: Yep.

Social Worker: Do you know that if you hadn't drank all that beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and, after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a brand new Ferrari?

Long pause

Man: Do you drink?

Social Worker: No.

Man: Then why the hell are you driving a Chevy?

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article said:

The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started.

So I looked around the house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning...

I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, the dregs of the Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake, last night's leftover filet mignon, and two boxes of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin' good I feel. Those "feel good" articles really work!

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique that actually works -- and doesn't rely on habit-forming drugs.

Ready to give it a try? Just follow these simple steps:

1. Take a deep breath.

2. Picture yourself near a stream.

3. Hear the birds softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

4. Recall that no one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall in the distance fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is crystal clear.

8. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

See? You're smiling already.

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this asshole, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.

She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot!" I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "asshole" at me again. Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly."

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, "I told the cop," Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this asshole?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!

Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yea, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.

Sent to me from a friend

I have questions!

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea …

does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles,

then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice , is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,

but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,

musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,

tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks? ’

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,

so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?

What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps

so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds, when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp ” ?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart, then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right"? Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say , "That really hurt you dumb bunny, why don't you watch where you're going? ”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why , in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons

is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends.

If they're OK... then it's you!

Here is the third section on those:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's
Mansion burned down?
'Yep... Prit'near took out the whole trailer park.. The library
Was a total loss too. Both books went poof . .... . Up in flames
And the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Redneck Thanksgiving
(if Norman Rockwell were a Redneck)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16
And says to the driver, 'Got any I..D. ? ' . ..
And the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

Cute

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my wine!!

The little bastards.

1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
2. You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. You can't remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
9. You don't sweat - you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday.

One hot and dry day in the Wild West, this dog walks into a saloon and says, "Gimme a beer".
Evidently this type of thing wasn't too rare 'round those parts because the bartender said, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve dogs here."
The dog then took out a silver dollar, dropped it on the bar, and said, "Look, I got money, and I want a beer." This scene had the potential to get ugly. The bartender, getting a little irate, said one more time, "We do not serve dogs here. Please leave."
The dog growled, so the bartender pulled out a gun and shot the dog in the foot! The dog yelped, and ran out the door.
The next day, the swinging bar doors were tossed open and in walks the dog that had been in the saloon the day before.
He was dressed all in black. A black cowboy hat, a black vest, three black cowboy boots and one black bandage.
The dog looks around, waits for the talking to quiet down, and says, "I'm lookin' fer the man who shot my paw."

What do you get when you cross a Jehova Witness and an Atheist?

Someone that knocks on your door for no reason.

My daughter announced her engagement this morning - 'bout
time! They've been living together for seven years ...

She also advised that she wants a Cinderella-theme bridal
shower and wedding. Cinderella? Really? You are 34 years
old ... and you want a Fairey-Princess shower & wedding?
Really?

She's crying. My wife is kicking me under the table. I get
the message.

Darlin' daughter, I promise you that you will have the FULL CINDERELLA experience. This afternoon, you and your girlfriends can begin by scrubbing this house from top
to bottom!

Good One!!!!

Now that's a good one

These were very entertaining.

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla’ blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshi ttin’ me, right? ... You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice...

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were out camping one night. After pitching the tent and rolling out the sleeping bags, they decide to turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes violently shakes Watson awake. "Watson," he says, "look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see the stars." replies Watson.

"Yes, and what does that tell you?"

Watson takes a big breath "Astronomically speaking, it means that we are insignificant among the spectrum of the universe, psychologically speaking that we are only creating a dent in the infinite mystery of life, and theologically speaking that God rules all things. How about you, sir?"

"What it tells me," he says, "is that someone has stolen our tent."

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: 'Nothing. '

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Birder 1: What kind of bird is that?

Birder 2: A gulp.

Birder 1: A gulp? Never heard of it.

Birder 2: Well, it's like a swallow but bigger.

From the American Association

Of Retired People

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?

A: Nudity

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year old when they enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

You've still got your sense of humor!

There was once a rabbi who undertook a missionary-style trip to a South American rain forest country. He was to spend a year with a very primitive, remote tribe known only as the Trids. The rabbi knew that the only way to gain their acceptance would be to adopt all of their many tribal customs, such as dress, diet, studying their beliefs and so on. Much of this was difficult to learn for the city-born rabbi, but as the months progressed he grew in the many ways of the Trids.
One day, returning from an extended walk in the rain forest, the rabbi entered the tribal village to find the entire Trid tribe lined up side by side in the village commons area. Behind this line walked the tribal chief. One by one he would stop behind each tribe member and deliver a swift kick to the rear end. This, thought the rabbi as he watched, is one of the strangest rituals I've seen yet. But he knew that he must participate if he wished to win their confidence. Solemnly he took his place at the end of the line. The chief reached the end of the line and was just about to deliver the kick when suddenly he realized that it was the rabbi before him.
"I cannot do this thing", said the chief firmly. The rabbi was shocked. Wasn't he yet accepted by the tribe?
"Why not?" he asked.
The chief replied, "Silly rabbi! Kicks are for Trids!"

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she defintely would have gone, Daddy."

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found
that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her
eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8
characters long and include at least one capital!

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Good One!!!

Ouch, I just verified that: The furniture detector toes work !!