Factory Joke Thread – August 2014

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.
Have fun....

~Angela

See also

Page 1>>

Sex Life and Coca-Cola

Two friends meet after many years and reminisce about their past.

One asks the other: “And how’s your sex life"?

He responds: “Same As Coca-Cola"

The other retorts: "Oh great! .... Full of bubbles, eh?”

“Did you fall and bump your head buddy?... It's been nothing like that!... In the beginning - it was ‘CLASSIC’, then it became 'LIGHT' and now it is 'ZERO'!

Three bulls

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't' givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My Job Experience

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, ...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the time.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Dont mess with Seniors.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Shooting with a starter pistol at the track meet

I hate to interrupt this thread with sad news but there was a shooting with a starter pistol at our local track meet.

Officials believe it was race related.

--
Brent - DriveLuxe 51 LMT-S

SCOTCH?

SCOTCH?
On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it
wine?" she guessed.
NO," THE BOY REPLIED " , SHE TASTED ANOTHER DROP AND ASKED , " CHAMPAGNE ?"

No," said the little boy. "It's a puppy! smile

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

wow

sad

--
[URL=http://www.speedtest.net][IMG]http://www.speedtest.net/result/693683800.png[/IMG][/URL]

wow

sad

--
[URL=http://www.speedtest.net][IMG]http://www.speedtest.net/result/693683800.png[/IMG][/URL]

Louisiana Tourist Attraction

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Purple Gorilla

A man walks into a bar and starts to drink.

After he is pretty well sozzled, one of the bartenders starts to talk about his pet, a fun loving purple gorilla. The drunken man demands to see this purple gorilla. The bartender refuses at first, but in the end is convinced to show his prize animal.

"But whatever you do, don't you touch my purple gorilla." he tells the now drunk customer.

He closes the bar, and leads the drunk through a back door and down a great many flights of stairs, at the bottom of which is a heavy steel door with a heavy iron padlock.

As the bartender fumbles with the lock, he reminds the drunk, "Remember, you promised not to touch my purple gorilla."

Through the door they walk down an immense hallway, so long the other end was lost in the distance. Constantly as they walked, the bartender repeated his warnings not to touch the purple gorilla.

At the end of the hallway was a 20 foot tall rough wooden door bound in brass, with three great steel sliding bolts.
Acting as though he were ready to change his mind the bartender once more says, "Now you promised, if I show you this creature, you are absolutely, positively, under no circumstances going to touch my purple gorilla. The drunk, who by now is getting quite anxious to see this wondrous beast, agrees with the bartender that he would never for any reason at all touch such a rare and wonderful pet.

With that the bartender unlatches the three massive slide bolts and slowly opens the door. On the other side is a stadium sized room in the middle of which was a large iron cage. As they approached the cage, the drunk saw that there was indeed, a 12 foot tall, massively muscled, purple haired gorilla. And a finer specimen of the species has never and will never be found, in this world or any other. For half an hour at least the drunk stood marveling at the creature, until the bartender tells him that he needs to get back to help at the bar.

The drunk convinces him to allow him to stay and continue to examine the purple gorilla. The bartender leaves him with one last demand to not touch the wonderful animal.
Now the drunk, being reminded of his promise not to touch the purple gorilla, starts to wonder why the bartender was so insistent about not touching the beast. Would touching it make him smarter, stronger, richer, or irresistible to women? After an hour
he gave in to the temptation, and touched the purple gorilla.

"A A A A R R R R R G G G G G G H H H H H H H ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !"
growled the monster as it began to tear at the bars. The fog in the drunk's brain cleared instantly with instant sobriety as the first bar came loose from the cage wall. He turned and ran. As he slid the three slide bars closed on the wooden door, he heard the cage fall in pieces on the floor as the huge purple gorilla came after him. Running down
the hall towards the stairs, he wondered why he had even considered breaking his promise not to touch the purple gorilla. As he reached the steel door he heard the wooden door smash into firewood, and the heavy thudding of the immense omnivore tearing down the hall after him. As he shut the steel door, he caught a glimpse of purple.

Panting and out of breath, he ascended the stairs. Only half way up, he heard the screech of the steel door being torn off its hinges. Looking over his shoulder as he opened the back door of the bar, he saw the slobbering, many sharp toothed, growling purple face getting way too close to him.

As he passed through the entrance to the bar, the back door exploded into splinters, and the purple gorilla leaped across the room in a single bound, the drunk stumbled and hit the sidewalk.

Lying there trembling, sure that these were the last few seconds he would have on this earth, the sobered drunk looked up to see the dark, fang lined cavernous maw, and the rippling purple muscles of the horror as it reached down to him.

"Tag, you're It." it said.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good one!!!

Good one!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Dont Mess With Seniors.

smile smile

--
Nuvi 2460

THE EXPLANATION (Irish Logic at its best)

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation.
She never got your E-mail!"

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Rules & Laws - Part 1

Scott’s Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
Finagle’s First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle’s Second Law: No matter what the experiment’s result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory.
Finagle’s Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Finagle’s Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Gumperson’s Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Rudin’s Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Ginsberg’s Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics: You can’t win. You can’t break even. You can’t quit.

Headlines

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

(It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.)
----------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
REALLY??
----------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
----------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
----------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
-----------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
-------------------------------------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
-------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
-------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
He probably ate what he was told to!
---------------- ------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
---------------- ------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
---------------- ------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
What – were the ceilings too low?

I won the lottery!

A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, “Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!” The wife says,“Ohmigod! No shit?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?” The husband yells back,“It doesn’t matter… just get the hell out!”

The Principal

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *walks away*

Funny and true!

Funny and true!

--
an94

SCOTCH?

Worse would have been chocolate.

one liner

I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

Short Puns

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach." 

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; "He who has a Tates is lost!"

Funny!

TheBeachBum wrote:

Two friends meet after many years and reminisce about their past.

One asks the other: “And how’s your sex life"?

He responds: “Same As Coca-Cola"

The other retorts: "Oh great! .... Full of bubbles, eh?”

“Did you fall and bump your head buddy?... It's been nothing like that!... In the beginning - it was ‘CLASSIC’, then it became 'LIGHT' and now it is 'ZERO'!

Funny!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: THESE REALLY WORK!!

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE
TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF
AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON
YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL
PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP
AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES -
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE
AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Hurting all over

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Don't Step Out of the Circle

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does.

The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?"

She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Mexican, an Arab, and a TEXAS girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a TEXAS girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The TEXAS girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In TEXAS, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Ha!

>>A Mexican, An Arab, And A TEXAS Girl>

Thanks drtrask... you brought a smile to my face on this rainy Midwest Monday morning.

--
Garmin 205, 260W, 1450LMT, 2460LMT, HEREwego for iPhone ... all still mapping strong.

:)

cbwatts wrote:

>>A Mexican, An Arab, And A TEXAS Girl>

Thanks drtrask... you brought a smile to my face on this rainy Midwest Monday morning.

+1

--
Nuvi 2460

Good One....

Thanks

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Signs of the times

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Mexican eggs

Two Mexicans are on bikes along U.S. Hwy 52 about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, LA.

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride.

He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying eggs.

The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town, and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down.

Sure enough "Old Smokey" pulls him over for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs".

The Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it... two have hatched and they've managed to steal a bike already. I need help!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Church Squirrels

There were five houses of religion in a small town:

- The Presbyterian Church,
- The Baptist Church,
- The Methodist Church,
- The Catholic Church,
and
- The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But... The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution so far. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but we understand that they picked one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision'... To this day, they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

My son on eBay

My son was on eBay this morning.

Child Protective Services is not very happy with me at the moment.

--
Brent - DriveLuxe 51 LMT-S

Rules & Laws - Part 2

Ehrman’s Commentary: Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?

Commoner’s Second Law of Ecology: Nothing ever goes away.

Howe’s Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Zymurgy’s First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a bigger can.

Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.

Klipstein’s Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.

Sex Life And Coca-Cola

While almost too close to the truth...a great joke!

Ron

---
"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."-- Henny Youngman

Two Whales Walk Into A Bar

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh".

The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

Almost missed the detail ?

RonJS wrote:

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."-- Henny Youngman

Now THAT ONE almost killed me grin

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

For the Pun of It

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" 
The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength--none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a bookstore and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!"

Out of the mouths of babes...

A US Congressperson was seated next to a little girl on an airplane, so they turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with another passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressperson. "How about global
warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" and then smiled smugly.

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet, a deer excretes pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

"The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little
girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Southern Humor

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Good one!!

Good one!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

One brave Cowboy....

All Girl Biker Bar ..................

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels ..
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ....
not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

Pretty Good One

TheBeachBum wrote:

Two friends meet after many years and reminisce about their past.

One asks the other: “And how’s your sex life"?

He responds: “Same As Coca-Cola"

The other retorts: "Oh great! .... Full of bubbles, eh?”

“Did you fall and bump your head buddy?... It's been nothing like that!... In the beginning - it was ‘CLASSIC’, then it became 'LIGHT' and now it is 'ZERO'!

Thanks, I gotta forward this one to an older brother. LOL

Lol

Hahah

--
Gattina11

Cute

Cute

--
Gattina11

Sleepy Sermons

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your a$$!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Rules & Laws - Part 3

You never find a lost article until you replace it.

Glatum’s Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Lewis’ Law: No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you’ve bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

If nobody uses it, there’s a reason.

You get the most of what you need the least.

The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Etorre’s Observation: The other line moves faster.

O’Brien’s Variation: If you change lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the one you are now in.

The Queue Principal: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.

First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete. (Often called the ‘Now They Tell Us’ Law)

Corollary I: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revision. H.B. Fyfe

Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn. H.B. Fyfe

Third Law of Revision: If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -- instead of as they were meant to be -- it is always simpler to start all over.

Corollary I: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. H.B. Fyfe

Funny!

GeoC320 wrote:

1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE
TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF
AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON
YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL
PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP
AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES -
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE
AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Funny!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT
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