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Frequently Asked Questions
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer he'd made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is wonderful. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
A man orders a hot dog with relish from a street vendor. The vendor grabs the dog with his bare hands and puts it on a bun. He then applies the relish with his fingers. The man pulls out a badge and says, "I'm the health inspector and I'm shutting you down!" The vendor pleads with the inspector and promises to clean up his act. The inspector agrees, but warns he'll be stopping by unannounced another time. A month later, the inspector returns and orders a hot dog with relish. The vendor carefully grabs the dog with a pair of tongs and uses another pair to put on the relish. "You've passed," the inspector says before noticing a string hanging out of the vendor's zipper. "Wait!" he says. "What's that for?" "The vendor replies, "I'm so clean that when I go to the bathroom, I don't even touch myself. I pull it out with the string." "And how do you get it back in your pants?" the inspector asks. "Easy," says the vendor. "I use the tongs."
A religious young woman went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me six times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze six lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
A blonde was speeding down the road when she got stopped by a state police officer who also was a blonde. The police officer asked for the speeders driver's license. The blonde replied, "What does it look like?". The police officer responded that it was rectangular and had her picture on it. The speeder searched and searched through her purse and finally found a mirror. Upon looking at the mirror she stated, "Here it is", and gave it to the police officer. The blonde police officer looked at it and stated, "Why didn't you tell me you were a police officer when I stopped you?".
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing.
But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says: You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
He should have stopped at "H"
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife... A,
B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous,
She smiled happily and said...? Oh that's lovely, how about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic
about saving his testicles.
As I was pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I can't be bothered anymore. For instance, if walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal ... a whale swims all day, eats mainly fish, drinks a lot of water, but is still fat ... a rabbit runs and hops all day and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise does mostly nothing, yet lives for 150 years.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
Kevin Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like North Korea, ruled by a pair of nuts.
The financial situation had been very bad for several months. Because he was out of work and destitute, a young man decided to rob a bank. After days of observation, he chose a small satellite bank facility across the metropolitan area from where he was living. He spent several days planning every move. Late one dark moonless night he picked the lock on the rear door of the bank without difficulty.
He stealthily crept through the bank to the place where he knew the safe stood. Then his troubles began. While trying to pick the lock on the safe, he set off the burglar alarm, but his careful preparation paid off. He had brought along a furniture dolly. He quickly loaded the small safe onto the dolly and rolled it out to his van.
He drove to a friend's house and explained his problem. He asked if, in exchange for some of the loot, he might store the safe in the friend's garage for a few days. His friend assured him: "You can rest assured, your safe is secret with me!"
Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men.
To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.
"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.
"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!"
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna to have to explain it five times."
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "I found the remote," he mumbled.
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter...
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
I had not heard this one.
A Man walked into a Washington D.C. Catholic Church Confessional.
He tells the Priest:
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a Congressman."
The Priest responds:
"My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service!"
Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says, "yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
Paddy texts his wife...
"Margie, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal pujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the pujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the
*After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming
as she ran down the hall.*
*An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told
him her story.*
*After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.*
*The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor
was writing on his clipboard.*
*"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.*
*"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"*
*The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,*
*"Does she still have the hiccups?
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Ioday I learned of the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him due to his obsession with math.
Which just goes to show you can't have your Pi and Edith, too.
Why are business men so big?
Why does Irish stew only have 239 beans in it?
[In your best Irish accent] Because one more it'd be two-fahrty.
Paddy and Seamus are walking down a dirt road when they come across a sign that says, "Tree Fellers Wanted".
Paddy says to Seamus, "To bad there's only two of us."
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Did you ever wonder why Kermit doesn't celebrate Saint Patrick's Day? He wears his green every day.
> Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
> 'Damn, 'Damn !'
> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
> 'By'Jeebers..... I'm a little crocked ,' he says.
> He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
> The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy.
> Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
> Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'
> 'Mick phoned . . .. you left your wheelchair at the pub.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day the Polish man rushed into a lawyer's office and asked the lawyer if the lawyer could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always wake up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that? What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it says:
Old but still good
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 81 years old.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he lived to be a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his very elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A kid is eating in a McDonald's with his Dad when he says, dad! Watch this trick!" The kid throws a quarter way up high in the air and catches it in his mouth. But the quarter slides past his tongue and gets lodged in his throat, and he starts choking.
The Dad doesn't know what to do and starts yelling, "My son is choking! Can anyone help?!"
A woman in a smart business suit pops out of nowhere and orders, "Step aside."
She deftly sinks her hand down the front of the boy's jeans and squeezes. The boy, out of shock and pain coughs the quarter up in the air. With ninja-like cat skills, the woman snatches the quarter out of the air and slides it into her pocket in one swift movement.
The Dad is amazed. "WOW! Where did you learn that?!"
As the woman reluctantly releases the boy from her grip, she says, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
A young woman wearing a tight skirt was about to board a bus in a small western town. A 6-foot, 6-inch muscular cowboy was behind her waiting to board the bus.
As she attempted to board the bus the tight skirt restricted her movement. She reached behind her to pull the skirt zipper down a bit and again was unable to board the bus.
She tried a second and third time pulling down the zipper but still was unable to board the bus.
Suddenly she felt two hands on her waist and the cowboy lifted her onto the bus.
She was embarrassed and flustered and immediately spun around and shouted at the cowboy who was also now on the bus. “How dare you,’’ she said. “How dare you put your hands on me and lift me onto the bus?”
“Well, ma’am, he drawled, “After you unzipped my fly for the third time I thought we were getting to be friends.”
Q: You know why Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married. She didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The
storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without
thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that
nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at
the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and
begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he
hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time
before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to
the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for
two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible
experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they
realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later,
two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look
Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were
Maria had just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.
On her wedding night, the couple stayed at her mother's house, and Maria was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her:
"Don't worry Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta."
So, up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! Her mother said, good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again.
When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you do?"
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his @$$ with that blanket before he catches cold.”
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