Factory Joke Thread – October 2013

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

Have fun....

~Angela

Frequently Asked Questions

<<Page 2

Ok what do you call a COW

Ok what do you call a COW caught in a Earthquake ? A Milkshake

Another one...

What do you call a COW without any legs ?

Ground Beef

--
May the Good LORD go with you David Fuller AC0RV<br> Skywarn M187201 <br>

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

A Little Golf & Mercedes Humor

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes
to a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf,
greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of
who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?", asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

" Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"

--
RKF (Brookeville, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

dog joke

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter they won't come anyway.

Never been used...

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it, Doc?.....I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these breasts."

He immediately drops his pants and replies,...
"Look at this, ....it's still in the CRATE!

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Never Been Used...

Hah! That's really a good one smile

--
Nuvi 2460

Ok, now to continue with these jokes my input is...

Panache wrote:

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter they won't come anyway.

What do you call a girl with one leg? ---> Ilean

What do you call a guy with no legs in the water? ---> Bob

What do you call a guy with no legs and no arms on the floor? ---> Mat

Stick the guy with no legs and arms on the wall and call him what? ---> Art

Ok, that's it.. you guys started it!!

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

Today I was beaten up by a

Today I was beaten up by a woman...

I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.

I was staring at her boobs, when she said, “Would you please press 1?”

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards...

:)

nice jokes and nice thread

Dog joke 2

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take them for a drag.

What do you call a man with

What do you call a man with a paper bag on his head?

Russell.

Continuing on

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall:

Curt 'n Rod

--
Live every day like it's your last. Some day you'll be right - Benny Hill

Too slow...

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car
over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said,"Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Dumb Questions and a truth

Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."

Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.

Crow Road-kills

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Amazing!

Please turn off your electronic devices ?

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

What a fool

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

funny

BobDee wrote:

What a dumb a$$

http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=24113d89dfd8

At least his hand was protected grin

--
Streetpilot C340 Nuvi 2595 LMT

Girls in Trees

Three girls, a brunette, redhead and a blonde, were being pursued by a mugger. They ran around a corner and decided to climb up into three trees to hide from him.

As the mugger came around the corner and stopped under the first tree to look around, the brunette said "cheep!-cheep!". The mugger thought there was only a bird in the tree so he moved to the next tree.

When he stopped under the second tree, the redhead went "meow!-meow!". Bah!-just some cat up in the tree, thought the mugger.

He stopped under the third tree and the blonde went, "acorn!-acorn!"

What a fool

Looks like good German engineering.
I think he needs more protection (and brains)

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

donations

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

HOUSE CALL

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps." As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated. "I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill." "That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied. At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?" "Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

RING

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ammo is getting scarce!

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked her,
 
"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

Gotta love this guy

Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all them a$$holes"

And he calmly returned to his seat.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

The Princess

A Fairy TaleOnce upon a time there lived a king who had a beautiful daughter – the Princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what! - metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt could marry her and inherit the wealthy kingdom.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, the sword melted.The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world so they will not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, the diamonds melted.He, too, was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.”

The princess did as he asked although she blushed and her face turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt! The king was overjoyed. Everyone in the kingdom was overjoyed. So the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question:What was in the Prince’s pants?

Why, M&Ms of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?

Burma Shave

For those who never saw Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories? If not, you're merely a child. If they do - then you're old as dirt like me.

State trooper

Hope they don't adopt that test in California!

ENGINEERS

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down. The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas." The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

PULLED OVER

A cop pulls over a woman for speeding and notices her eyes are red. He says, "Ma'am, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" The driver replies, "No officer, but your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

MAGIC SHOW

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then, just tell my wife!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Noah Way

And the Lord said unto Noah, "Where is the Ark which I have commanded thee to build?"
And Noah said unto the Lord, "Verily, I have had three carpenters off ill, the gopher wood supplier hath let me down - yea even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon twelve months and back ordered for six more. What can I do, O, Lord?"
And the Lord sayeth unto Noah, "Noah, I want my ark finished after seven days and seven nights."
And Noah said, "It will be so, O, Lord."
And it was not so. And the Lord said unto Noah, "Noah, what seemeth to be thy trouble this time?"
And Noah said unto the Lord, "Lord, mine subcontractor hath gone bankrupt, the low bidder on the pitch which thou commandest me to put on the outside and on the inside of the ark hath delivered sap, not pitch, which will not meet thy specifications. Mine plumber hath gone out on strike. Mine paperhanger cannot be found for he followeth the fish up the Nile. Rick, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath formed a rock group. Lord, I am undone."
And the Lord grew angry and said to Noah, "Noah, and what about the animals, male and female of every sort that I ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the earth?"
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Lord, they were to be here last week but were delivered to the wrong address. They have been promised for Friday if it doesn’t rain.”
And the Lord said, “What about the unicorns, and the fowls of the air by seven, and the goats and the sheep? Where are they?
And Noah wrung his hands and said unto the Lord, “Lord, the unicorns are discontinued and cannot be had, the fowls of the air can only be ordered in dozens, the sheep cannot be found from the same dye lot, and the goats are temporarily out of stock, Lord, thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in His wisdom said unto Noah, “Noah my son, I knowest. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend upon the Earth?”

True

We were attending a bluegrass festival in Kentucky. The MC welcomed us, then introduced the US Congressman. The congressman asked "Can everybody hear me?" A man in the back said "no." Then a man near the front stood up and hollered back, "I can and I'll trade places with you."

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

Burma Shave

A fake Burma Shave from somewhere (can't remember where)

Empty Beer Cans
By The Road
Are Ugly Many Say
But Late At Night
Reflecting Light
They Safely Guide The Way
BURMA SHAVE

I remember seeing the real signs. I liked them. smile

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Santa

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.

"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

The Middle East

The people of Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

[from the internet]

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Congress

Why is the House of Representatives only working 19 more days this year when we have so many problems to solve? I hear some want to cut those days to less because they are to busy doing nothing that they have no time to do something.

but the senate

kurzemnieks wrote:

Why is the House of Representatives only working 19 more days this year when we have so many problems to solve? I hear some want to cut those days to less because they are to busy doing nothing that they have no time to do something.

The Senate normally spends even less time in session than the House.

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Congress

We periodically remind people that this is a joke site - sort of like government.

Tips From The Redneck Book Of Manners

General
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're completely certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
3. Belching "to make room for dessert" is frowned upon.

Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
3. Waking the children to come out so you can show guests "they ain't got no birth defects" is impolite. (And bringing them out to show guests that they do have them is considered very rude.)

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. (However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.)
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m.; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving
1. When sending your date down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.
2. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
3. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

--
Winston Churchill said, “Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing, after exhausting all other possibilities.”

BLONDE JOKE

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna to have to explain it five times."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

TICKLING

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "I found the remote," he mumbled.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

AUCTION

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ill Chief

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

I love my job

Never complain about work again!

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office.

I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onmy butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

The Zipper

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Alberta cowboy who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The cowboy smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Ring

Very Funny

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It's these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes Nothing remains quite the same With all of our running and all of our cunning If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

ha ha ha

ha ha ha

And the winner is

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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