Factory Joke Thread – October 2013

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because her friend was, well, a blonde.

But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

"I need an answer," said Meredith.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, that is my final answer."

And Meredith replied, "That answer is.... absolutely correct! Congratulations! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you, " said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. Lee, a drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, 'You might as well take me to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

Two Hunters from Newfoundland
Having shot a moose, two boys from Newfoundland began dragging it by the tail to their pick-up..
On the way they were stopped by a game warden.
"Let me see your hunting licenses boys," he said.
When he saw that everything was in order he asked if he could give them some advice.
"Sure!" the hunters agreed.
"Well boys, I think that you would be finding it a lot easier to be draggin’ that moose by the horns and not the tail."
"Aye, O.K. And thanks," said the lads.
After about five minutes one said to the other, "Boy, draggin’ by the horns is sure some easier?"

"Yes, you're right," said his friend, "but have you noticed that we are getting further away from the truck?"

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
Relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Cute, but the blonde in me wonders what the right answer is...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”

“You noticed then,” quips the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the landlord.

“Of course I can talk,” says the duck. “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”

“Certainly,” says the landlord, “Sorry about that, it’s just that we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?”

“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, “You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything!”

“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringleader, “Get him to give me a call.”

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job paying really good money!”

“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus,” says the landlord.

“The circus?” the duck enquires.

“That’s right,” replies the landlord.

“The circus?”

“Yes!”

“That place with the big tent?”

“Yeah!”

“With all the animals?”

“Of course!”

“With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle,” asks the duck.

“That’s right,” says the landlord.

The duck now looking confused replied:-
“What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother”, the nuns pleaded, “Please give us some wisdom before you die”.

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, “Don’t sell that cow”.

A termite goes in to a pub and asks "is the bar tender here?"

4 guys are taking a cross-country toad trip together — one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York. A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from New York turns to him and asks, “What the hell are you doing?”

The man from Idaho says, “Man, we have so many of these damned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground-I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies,

“Man, we have so many of these damned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with
-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells "We got 'em!"

Main's Law:
        For every action there is an equal and
opposite government program.

Main or Maine?

Mausoleum: A durable German floor covering made from mice.

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her
lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more
excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested
that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This
drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung
her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor’s office. “Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the blond answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those
are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the blond wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s hard getting him to swallow the pill!”

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, and God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died.” Just then, Seamus yells out, “Hey, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

The trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Entomologists have discovered the reason behind the recent surge in bed bugs. They state they're from the NSA because they bug everything.

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died for cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident.
Twelve years later Judy again remarried, adn this time she and John had five more children.
Judy finally died after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the lord for this very loving woman and said: "Lord, they are finally together."
Ether leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you thik he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel. Her legs."

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.
"What are you doing" he shouted.
To which his wife said to her lover
"See, I told you he is stupid"!

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!

His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom."

Be strong. I love you, too!

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my wife and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought my advice.

“What do you think?” She asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get a bikini,” I replied. “You'd never get all that in the all-in-one.”

The doc just told me I’m getting out of intensive care later today.

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a red head were all talking about their daughters.

The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes I can't believe my daughter smokes.”

The red head said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can' t believe my daughter drinks"

The Blond said "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms, I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and
one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"It was my first day with the hook."

Excellent, good one for the Disney forums.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's left cheek was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the
cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish,I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors

Liked it. Dirty thoughts and end very clean.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.

[A joke from the internet that I like]

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House? ~~~ Will Rogers

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!" The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Most money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

C
RAPSTwo bored UK casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm topless." With that, she takes off her blouse and rolls the dice. She then begins jumping up and down and hugging and kissing each of the dealers. "Yes! I win! I win!" With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know! I thought YOU were watching!"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

Good one!

How could anybody not find a Duck joke funny!

Ron

---

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down a manhole and die." --Mel Brooks

One day, two hillbillies saw something that looked like Bigfoot. He was all hairy except he had a sharp horn on top of his head.

"What the hell is that thing", the first hillbilly asked. "I think it's Bigfoot with something stuck in his haid".

"Why don't you just ask me", the creature said.

Astonished, the hillbillies asked, "Do you speak the Kang's Anglish?"

"Why yes, I do indeed."

"Well, what the hell are you?"

"I'm a furry with a syringe on top."