Factory Joke Thread –March 2013

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car.
I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again sobbing,

"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD Good or What!?

Finally got my Bon Jovi sat nav working...

Woh-ohh we're half way there.

One night a nurse was making her rounds in a nursing home.
While walking down the hall, she came across an open door.
She looked in and saw old Frank sitting up in bed pretending to drive.
She asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?' He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto.'
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.
The next night as she walked past Frank's room she saw the same thing.
Again she asked, 'Frank, what are you doing?'
He replied, 'I'm driving to Toronto. It's a two day trip, you know!'
The nurse smiled at him and carried on making her rounds.
Five minutes later she came across another open door and looked in.
She saw Bob pretending to dance with someone. She then asked,
'Bob, what are you doing?'
Bob replied, 'I'm dancing with Franks wife.
He's gone to Toronto for a couple of days...'.

Did you hear about the deaf Islamic fundamentalist who blew up the wine aisle in Walmart?

He thought he had to bring death to all zinfandels.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout
fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at
the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.
Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the
empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you nasty bitch, you DIDN'T?!?"

Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."

Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this time, child ?” “Why did ye not write to us, not even a line ?” “Why didn't ye call ?” “Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru ?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what ! ? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner ! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

“OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become ?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'a prostitute, Daddy ! Sniff, sniff.'

“Oh ! My Goodness ! Ye scared me half to death, girl !

I thought ye said a Protestant !

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !”

Billy-Bob and Bubba got into the old truck and went down to the lumber yard.
Bubba went in and told the clerk he needed some 4x2’s. The clerk said you mean 2x4’s don’t you?
Bubba said wait just a minute and he went out to talk to Billy-Bob.
About a minute later he came back in and said that should work just fine.
The clerk then asked how many he wanted.
Bubba said wait just a minute and he went out to talk to Billy-Bob again.
After a couple of minutes he came back in and said he better get about a hundred of them.
The clerk said fine, how long do you want them?
Bubba got a puzzled look on his face and went back out to talk to Billy-Bob again.
After about 15 minutes the clerk looked out the door and saw Bubba had blue prints laid out on the hood of the truck, he was making calculations on a piece of paper and Billy-Bob was on the cell phone arguing with someone.
About a half hour later Bubba came back in and said you better let us have them for about 25 years, we’re going to build a house.

Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
- Because he does not want anyone to know he has been messing around with a chicken.
-------------------------------------------
How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
- With a hare dryer.
--------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens?
- He wanted them to lay colorful eggs.
---------------------------------------------
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
- Bugs Bunny.
---------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a bunny and a lumberjack?
- One chews and hops, the other hews and chops.
---------------------------------------------
What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with Chinese food?
- Hop suey!