Factory Joke Thread –March 2013

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

~Angela

Frequently Asked Questions

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Asian Lady

There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...

because he spoke English.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Fred and his Brother

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right Donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."

While Donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Big Family

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area.

A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief,

"Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh, "they're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation:

"Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Going to Heaven?

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees.

"Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says,

"Indeed I do, Father."

"Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man,

"Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?"

And the man answers,

"Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing."

"Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man.

"Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!"

exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says,

"No, I don't,Father."

"You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously.

"Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Kill the Anthropologist

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself,

"I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out:

"No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again:

"Okay.......NOW you're screwed!"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Albert

In the supermarket, a man was pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing toddler.

The man kept repeating softly,

"Don't get excited, Albert.

Don't scream, Albert.

Don't yell, Albert.

Keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said,

"You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe little Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'M Albert."

My Friend Bubba

My friend Bubba was driving down a back road in South Carolina...

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord have mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's my three favorites!"

Senior love

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the
air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing
back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to
herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, 'Make up your
mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

If Airlines Sold Paint

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?

Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!

Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half- gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half- gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are
empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with Air Canada.

--

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Old Explorer

young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most
frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled
myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then
held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper
had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The
man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he
answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter betweenChet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

BRITISH HUMOR

These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________________

FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
_______________________________________________________

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
_____________________________________________________________

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________

And the WINNER is...

FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

(Statement of the Century)
___________________________________________________________

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker -- Billy Connolly.

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
____________________________________________________________

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is.
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

--
nuvi 855. Life is not fair. I don't care who told you it is.

Good one!!

Good one!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Short and Sweet!

TheBeachBum wrote:

My friend Bubba was driving down a back road in South Carolina...

A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord have mercy!" he says to himself, "Them's my three favorites!"

HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks....

This is liked.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Why age?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned fifty).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
"I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"
"No," I said...
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you want to live to be 80?"

Stranded on a Desert Island

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time...

So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

Thanks for making my Monday

Thanks for making my Monday start of with humor!

The Last Nickel

Hah! smile

--
Nuvi 2460

The Last Nickel

ROFL grin

--
Nüvi 255WT with nüMaps Lifetime North America born on 602117815 / Nüvi 3597LMTHD born on 805972514 / I love Friday’s except when I’m on holidays ~ canuk

Forrest goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven...

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St.. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one - which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name ?"

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run, Forrest, run."

Lord, Give me a sense of humor. Give me the ability to appreciate a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folks !

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Common sense...

Common sense is like deodorant; the people who need it most never use it!!!

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

How God created Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said,

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said,

"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said,

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said,

"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again, saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said,

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said,

"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said,

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said,

"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? Then, I could live until I was around eighty... Would that be okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So... That is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey-like tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and "bark" at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Comprehending Engineers -- Take Five

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.

Me, Elmer, and Leroy

A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid thebill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola andwatched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The otherman came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging anew hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole.The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down theroad. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash containerand heading down the road toward the men."Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going onhere with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of themen said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up.You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shoveland wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. Idigs the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's furlough day is today... so now it's just me and Leroy.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

There comes a time when a

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,

so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "Hello"?

I did not see this on the news

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

The Yellow Light

Up in front of me I notice the light had turned yellow. I did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though I could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman behind was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she had dropped her cell phone and makeup as she slowed, missing her chance to get through the intersection,

As she was still in mid-rant, I noticed an officer tap on her window. She looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He then took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

I found out that after a couple of hours, she was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.... I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Newlyweds

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.

One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" was his response.

Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on tv.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone!

Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything."

"Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.

"No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him." she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband.

"Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

--
Brent - DriveLuxe 51 LMT-S

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur . 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur , professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur , 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Will you marry me?

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After
about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could
not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt
remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked
if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did yousay No?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Living Will

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. She's
Such A Bitch.....

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

THE CONDUCTOR

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he
devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve
from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back and he is happily dispensing tickets when
he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and
killing her. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm
him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So
again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to
death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more- his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting the conductor free again, he asks him his
secret. "What is it with the bananas?" he asks.

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Out of the mouths of babes...

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said:

"I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

blond joke

A young blond girl was walking along the river when a blond from the other side hollered at her.

"Hey how do you get across to the other side"?

The young blond said "Why you are already over there"!

--
garry

Confession...

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
”Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”
“I'll never tell.”
“Was it Nina Capelli?”
“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Piriano?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now, you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Voice mail message at an Australian high school

Voice mail message at an Australian high school (one minute 19 seconds long):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C5Rnb7J3sU

--
JMoo On

There was once a young man

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation. (And has writer's cramp - my comment).

Voice mail message at an Australian high school

I love it (my daughter is a teacher)

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Voice Mail Message

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

Subject: 163 yrs ago

Did you know what happened 163 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state . . . .
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

That, my friends, is the history lesson for today!

Love it

Love it, too funny.

Panache wrote:

Did you know what happened 163 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state . . . .
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

That, my friends, is the history lesson for today!

Voice Mail

That was a good one made me laught . We need more like that. laugh out loud

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Voice mail.

Funny.

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Dyslexics Untie!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Dyslexic, an Agnostic, and an
Insomniac?
A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Good one!

Good one! smile

--
signat

Homesick Snowbird...

I was in downtown Phoenix the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

California!

Clever!

--
Garmin Drive Smart 61 NA LMT-S
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