Factory Joke Thread - August 2012

Wife: Oh, come on.

Husband: Leave me alone!

Wife: It won't take long.

Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.

Husband: Why do you think of things like this in themiddle of the night?

Wife: Because I'm Hot.

Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.

Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Wife: You don't love me anymore.

Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: All right, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband: I can't find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it down far enough?

Wife: Oh, that's fine.

Husband: Now go to sleep. The next time, it's your turn to get up and turn the thermostat down.

Wife: Yes, honey.

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche
costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name-they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a
Porsche
for fifteen dollars ."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned th e mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off
to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He
claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." ----------

I went into the 7-11 gas station the other day and asked for five
dollars
worth of gas.

The clerk passed gas and gave me a receipt.

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset
and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An
attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know
we got the cow in Illinois?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, o.k., but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you can't lose an eye just from bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."

(Written By A Very Wise Man)

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to so! meeting like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life is dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give one the finger? ...... I think not.

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.

An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

You've posted this joke, the first time was just 4 days ago

But due to Alzheimer's he just saw the joke for the first time yesterday

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

St Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or
denying access to Heaven.

Jesus offers to take over. A man comes up to him.

"I'm looking for my son." he says

"And who are you" says Jesus

"I suppose I'm the closest thing he has to a Father." says the man

"What do you do?" asks Jesus curiously

"I suppose you could say I'm a carpenter" says the man

"And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus
excitedly.

"He does!" shouts the man

"DADDY!" shouts Jesus

"PINNOCHIO?" says Giepetto

Good one. Thanks for sharing.

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute. "Do you know who the father is?"
Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

The above post is a carry-over from page one of last month's jokes. How do I know such things?

Or is it your joke?
We have a lot of carry overs.

My sister had emailed it to me.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw and then jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that.

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down
in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old

school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what
to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its
fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here
..."

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

3. Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Full Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

9. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...

10. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't leave My House

11. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House
in My Slippers and Robe

12. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)

Thanks!
The way things are going, that may soon be considered quite a deal !!

Ron

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.
'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!

Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

Bartender: Is that a steering wheel you be having down your pants now?

Irishman: Aye it tis. I don't know how it got there but tis driving me nuts!

ML

Sgt. Hulka says it to one of his recruits who rants about wanting to be called "Psycho" instead of "Francis", and how nobody had better touch him or his stuff.
I think Juggernaut is a fantastic big toe.

Good One!!!

What's a Pirates favorite letter?

If you said ARRRRGH you're wrong!

The correct answer is SEA of course!

A MOON PIE, of course, to go along with his ARRRRGH - SEA.

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN ..

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."
Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories --
those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office
just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.
I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15
co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

“You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon
“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees
“The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face” by Roberta Flack
“I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash
“Papa Got A Kidney Stone” by the Temptations
“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra
“You Make Me Feel Like Napping” by Leo Sayer
“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores
“A Whiter Shade of Hair” by Procol Harum
“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles
“Rikki, Don’t Lose Your Car Keys” by Steely Dan
“Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker” by Herman's Hermits
“Talkin’ ‘Bout My Medication” by the Who
“Bald Thing” by the Troggs
“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones
“I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye
And last, but definitely not least, “Bad Prune Rising” by Credence
Clearwater Revivial (our personal favorite)

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him
- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,

wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill
but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you, with a chuckle;
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following Warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby periods of time seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the Hell happened to your bra.

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a
roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman
unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but
did not miss them until they were back on the
highway. By then, they had to travel a distance
before they could find a place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way
back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived,
as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve
her glasses, the old man said,

"While you're in there, you may as well get my
hat, too."

And here I thought you were leading up to a prostate exam.

Wrong end, Only difference is how you set the chair!

“Heisenberg may have slept here”

That wasn't beer, it was a urine sample.
And there was no argument occurring, he was asking
for directions to the laboratory for testing.

(lawyers, not rats), I liked this one!

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

Love both of these.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just
lost £500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.
One day an old Indian went up to the director
and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director
and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there
was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director.
He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict
the weather. However, after several successful
predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for
two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have
to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director,
"and I'm depending on you. What will the weather
be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know,"
he said. "Radio broken."

One of the disadvantages to growing old is when you play knock on the door and run, you're more likely to be caught.

One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping that she would be well-cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to
catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back, and once more moved her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?" They inquired.

"It's pretty nice here." she replied. "Except they won't let you fart."

Three older Jewish mothers were sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach
talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie said, "You know the Manet painting hanging in my living room? My
son, Irving, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he
is, and how much he loves his mother."

Gertie said, "You call that love? You know that new Cadillac I just got
for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Golda, in turn, replied, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's
in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five sessions a week - and
what does he talk about? ME."

I just received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed. I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployed people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; half of Mexico; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHOM DID I MISS?

Funny

...give me the crepes.