Factory Joke Thread - August 2012

At an international woman's conference the topic for discussion was how to empower women in the home.

The first speaker was the British representative.

She stood up and said: "I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing.

After the first day I saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing."

The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.

The second speaker was from America.

She stood up and said; " I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement.

After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us."

Again the conference applauded.

Next came the Australian delegate.

She said; "I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping.

After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

What happens when people of different occupations get old.
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal

coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Spousal abuse is FUNNY?

This was actually said by a newscaster in 2009:

"President Obama sent Bill Clinton abroad"

After reading, you have to say it out loud to get the irony!

You want to clone yourself? Now wouldn't that be just like you!

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

Quote "Fri, 07/27/2012 - 9:24am spera
Real questions from the Olympics website (2010)

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?"

Probably just making a POI?

===

Topical;
The person in charge of the national flag allocation at the Olympic womens football competition has just been sacked.

They are now looking for a new Korea.

I hope no ladies felt insulted by that pun, it wasn't good indeed.

Let's try this one, then: what are the five most difficult words to pronounce right ?

1. Prestidigitator
2. Ineligibility
3. Phenylalanine
4. Desoxyribonucleic
5. Sorry

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a
man, and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he
needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your
axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up
with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up
with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all
three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives
so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!"

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and > go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them - especially if they work for the FBI!!!

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly thereafter, a story in the L.A. Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The State, a local newspaper in Jackson, Mississippi, reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Meridian,ms Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone wireless.

Just makes you proud to be from or live in Mississippi!

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

I've see variations of the same joke but directed the other way. When it's the MAN who gets whacked in the joke people laugh. When it's the WOMAN people get offended.

I don't condone it either way but I get pretty sick of the "it's fine to bash men but not fine to bash women" attitude. It's the same stuff as bashing white guys freely while every other ethnicity is seemingly off limits due to "racism" complaints.

NOTE: The word "bash" above was used in the context of denigrating via humor - not in the sense of physical abuse even though that was the context of the joke being referenced.

No of course it is not and that joke is not at all appropriate and should be removed!

Lighten up, Francis.

A bus load of attorneys drove off a cliff.
That was funny. But death is not.
Jokes are just jokes

An Estonian, a Latvian, and a Lithuanian decide to go to London for the Olympics. Alas, they have no tickets to the events. The Estonian has a bright idea. “Follow me,” he says to his companions.
As they approach the gate to the Athlete’s Village, the Estonian reaches down and lifts a manhole cover. Showing it to the guard, he simply states “Discus.”. The guard waves him in. The Latvian spies a broom, and breaks the end off, leaving just a jagged broomstick. “Javelin,” he says, and promptly gets waved into the Athlete’s Village.
The Lithuanian grabs a metal security barrier and approaches the guard. “Fencing,” he says.

Fox News Channel saved my life.
After a terrible accident I was in a coma for several weeks.
They came to clean my room and while doing it she turned on Fox News. I quickly got up and turned it off.

That would do it for me!

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the heck is she talking about ? ! !

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?"

"Really?" replied the otherresearcher. "Why the switch?"

"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights
groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as
souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it Follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving
the existence of a divine being which explains why last night, Teresa

kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

An 18-year-old girl tells her Mum that she is two months late. Very
worried, the mother rushes off to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says: "Who was the pig that did
this
to you? I want to know now!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a red

Ferrari stops in front of their house and a mature and distinguished
man
with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out
and
enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl,
and
he explains: "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but

I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for
the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath
her
two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000
bank
account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000
bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, well... what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father - who had remained silent - places a hand
firmly
on the man's shoulder and says, "Then I reckon you'll just have to
sleep
with her again!"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because, even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

--I like it!!!

Short, but sweet.

Thanks Juggernaut. You're our big toe.

Good One!!!!

The most interesting election commentary I've heard so far...
“I haven't left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election;
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election - erection - election - erection
- - - either way we're going to get screwed!”
-- Bette Midler

What?

Seems as if people have lost their sense of humor everywhere. A joke is just meant as a joke.

A quote from John Winger, Billy Murray's character in the movie Stripes way back in 1981 may help.

" An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka."

Big Toe = Leader

Google can be a friend when trying to understand obscure references in jokes. Its usually an old movie quote.

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

'big toe' brought back 52,800,000 entries. Not helpful in this case.

From time to time I'll watch a local TV station to get a weather forecast. That's about it. I don't watch any national news shows and don't understand what's funny.

Does it have something to do with..."the truth hurts" ??

Thanks!

Ron

I thought this was a forum for jokes and humor?
It is starting to get too political.
Politics are like Baskin Robins (a lot of different falvors) We don't have to all like the same things.
A joke is something to laugh at, not get all bent out of shape and angry at.

Really?

What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?

You can't use pitchforks on bowling balls.

Think that is just a joke? HAHAHAHAHA

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and vulgar.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's attitude and vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and behavior. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As John was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

Sorry but this is a joke thread.
If anyone wants to debate politics with me then let me know where we can discuss politics for I can handle any point of view for I have been at it for over 50 years.

If you can't take a joke you shouldn't be on this thread. I enjoy every joke that I read here.

A bad one indeed, but a joke it is.

Almost every joke that has been told can offend someone at some point in time, the Irish, Catholics, men, women, lawyers, etc..................................... the list would go on forever.

Personally I choose not to be offended, and if I don't like a joke, I move on to the next one.

My point is that there is a line where a joke becomes unfunny. I did not like the joke that made fun of spousal abuse.

It is easy to pass off some jokes as 'just jokes', but as someone who grew up with severe racism, sexism, and other 'isms', I've learned that some humor is just thinly veiled vitriol.

This is my hot button. If it is not yours, then OK.

I worked hard for my buttons and I've earned them!

So there! Take that! HA!

Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport.
Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim
have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off
drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it.

Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt
better. Bob asks, “Do you have a hangover?” Tim says no. Then Tim says,

“Wow this is great! We can drink all we want and not get a hangover.” Then
Bob says, “Well, there is one side effect, Tim. Have you farted yet?”
Tim says, “No, why?” Bob says, “I'm calling you from Detroit!”

Brett Favre, after living a full life died. When he got to heaven, God was
showing him around. They came to a modest house with a faded Packers' flag
in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Brett" said God. "This is very special,
not everyone gets a house up here." Brett felt special indeed, and walked
up to his house.

On his way up to the porch he noticed another house just around the corner.
It was a 3 story mansion with a blue and silver sidewalk. It had a 50 ft
flagpole with an enormous Dallas Cowboy flag, and in every window a Cowboys
silver star. Brett looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be
ungrateful but I have a question. I was an All-Pro quarterback, I won 2
Super Bowls and I even got into the Hall of Fame."

God said, "So what do you want to know, Brett?"

"Well, why does Tony Romo get a better house than me?"

God Chuckled and said, "Brett, that's not Tony Romo's house, it's mine.

I think MSNBC would do it for me...

Should I be worried that I immediately got the reference?

Yep. It's in poor taste but it IS a joke. I'm sure it's included in Truly Tasteless Jokes. I know there were at least 3 volumes of that released...

Get over it.

CNN wondered who their viewer was.