This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Frequently Asked Questions
The biggest joke is political commercials on TV.
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison again filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped
and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and
"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”
René Descartes and his wife went out Friday night to the dinner store since restaurants had not been invented yet. The waiter approached their table and asked them if they would like an appetizer. Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared in a puff of smoke.
The biggest joke is political commercials on TV.
You have finally reached the end of the internet!
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
Ha, love it.
Two hunters went deer hunting every winter without success. Finally,
they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female
deer costume and learned the mating call of a female deer.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the buck, then come out of
the costume and shoot the buck. They set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume and began to give the deer love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a huge buck came crashing out
of the forest and into the clearing.
When the buck was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get
out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy
in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass,
but you'd better brace yourself."
Moses dies and goes to heaven. God greets him at The Pearly Gates.
"Are you hungry, Moses?" asks God.
"I could eat," Moses replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they
share it. While partaking this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and
sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasant, pastries and
Curious but deeply trusting, he remains silent.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again it's
tuna and rye.
And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne,
lamb, truffles, and chocolates.
Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He
can no longer contain himself. Meekly, he says: "Lord, I am grateful to be
here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But
here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and rye, and in that other place
they eat like kings and emperors! I guess I just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says.
"For just two people, does it really pay to cook?"
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized
what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement
he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well. He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
Enough of that crap . . .
The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock!
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your @$$, it always comes back to bite you.
I love it!!
One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He
continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped
and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman
was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself
when the man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why
are you stopping darling?", she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.
NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup; leave hunting partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license
into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles often begins with a broken fan belt or a slow puncture.
3. It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of standing order payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a woman - Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating." her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "A Daddy Longlegs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be okay in San Francisco, but we're not having any of that sh$t in Montana."
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said:
"Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest. Father Murphy then walked up to
O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father." The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You
mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
This should be taken care of right away."
"I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it curse itself."
"Welllllll, what have we here..."
Since he hasn't the foggiest notion of what it is, the Doctor is
hoping you will give him a clue.
"First I have to check my malpractice insurance."
"Let me check your medical history."
"I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any
more time with you."
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
"I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this will take too long."
"I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit."
"I really can't recommend seeing a chiropractor."
"I hate those guys mooching in on our fees."
Since he hasn't the faintest idea of what to do, he is trying to
appear thoughtful while hoping the nurse will interrupt.
(Proctologist also say this alot.)
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is he's going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news
is you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
"Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured."
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
"I have a 40% intrest in the lab."
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
"He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a small fortune."
"How are we today?"
"I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell."
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
"I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea."
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
"I don't know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
"I think I'm going to throw up."
"This may smart a little."
"Last week two patients bit through thier tongues."
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?"
"I can't remember your name, nor why you are here."
"This should fix you up."
"The drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms."
"Everything seems to be normal."
"I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all."
"I'd like to run some more tests."
"I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
solve this one."
"Do you suppose all of this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
He thinks you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist
who will split fees.
"Why don't you slip out of your things."
"I don't enjoy this any more than you do, but I've got to warm
my fingers up somehow."
"I haven't had a good laugh all day."
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
"I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off
"There is a lot of that going around."
"My God, thats the third one this week. I'd better learn something
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spotted survivors of a ship that had just sunk. "Follow me son" the older father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise old father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Last week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."
An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Ma?" She replies: "That's for having such a small dick!" A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for Pa?" He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size.
An old married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, “Why are you taking off your clothes?” His wife replies, “You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.” The husband says, “No, not at all.” His wife asks angrily, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my finger so I could turn the pages.”
An old blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go. "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh that? The dog's leash goes slack!"
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several old monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope. The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.... Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "Rufus!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank yor lucky stars I cain't swim... er I'd swim this river and whup your ass!!" "Clarence!!!" Rufus would holler back. "Ya’ll better thank your lucky stars that I cain't swim either or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!" This happened every morning for twenty years. One day the Army Corps of Engineers comes along and build a bridge. Still, every morning, every day for another five years this yelling across the river goes on, even with the bridge. Finally, Mrs.Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers one day. "I cain't take no more!! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence’s ass. Well, there's the bridge... go git em." Rufus thought for a moment, chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place, "I'm gonna cross that thar bridge and I'm gonna whup Clarence's ass!!!" He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, looked up... turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed!! "Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you wuz gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!" "I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered. "Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?" "Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, " I went to the bridge... I stepped up on the bridge... walked halfway over the bridge… looked up..." "And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense. "And," continued Rufus, "I sawed a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches." He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
Mildred and Harriet were having a quiet lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery in their golden years. Mildred said, “I need to be honest with you Harriet, I’m thinking about getting a boob job done.” Harriet responded, “Oh, that’s nothing Mildred. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!” “Whoa!” replied Mildred, "That's insane... I just can’t picture your husband George as a blonde!”
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to da front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel atta the front door. Witha you elbow, you pusha da numba 301. I will buzza you in. Comma inside, the elevator is onna the right. Get inna and witta you elbow, you pusha numba 3. When you getta out, Imma onna the left. Witha you elbow, ringa my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What!!... You betta no be comin here a empty handed?"
Mary, a blonde city girl, marries an older New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, old farmer John says to Mary, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Mary takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one... right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy old blonde gal, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Mary explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't
control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously a government fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
1) Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
2) Why do you have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?
3) Why is an orange an orange and an apple not a red?
4) Why is a pear called a pear when there is only one?
5) What do they pack styrofoam in?
6) Why did God give men nipples?
7) If buttered toast always lands butter-side up, and a cat always lands on its feet. What would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat?
8) Is grass really greener on the other side?
9) Do boxer shorts box?
10) Why do you wear a pair of panties and only one bra?
11) If Corn Oil comes from Corn, what does Baby Oil come from?
12) If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do you get Teflon to stick to a pan?
13) Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
14) Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
15) Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
16) Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
17) Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
18) Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mine?
19) Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
20) How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
21) If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
22) If a cow laughs, does milk come out it's nose?
23) If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on you headlights, what happens?
24) You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"
25) Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
26) Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment , but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
27) You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
28) Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
29) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
30) Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
31) What does Geranimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
32) If fire fighters fight fire, and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
33) Why ask why? Try Bud dry. Then again, if Bud's made from water, how can it be dry?
34) Why is there a Permanent Press setting on an iron if it does not work?
35) Why is keyboard called a keyboard if it only has little buttons?
36) Do you think the Assassination Museum was created after JFK's assassination?
37) If pot grows naturally, and we outlaw pot (nature), are we outlawing God?
38) Does miniature golf enhance a drug trip?
39) When an elevator is illegally overloaded with passengers, who is criminally responsible?
40) Why do cornflakes and Sugar Frosted Flakes have the same number of calorie s per serving?
41) How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?
42) Why are US elections held on Tuesdays?
43) Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?
44) Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit gum?
45) Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight?
46) Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?
47) Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?
48) Why does rootbeer taste flatter than any other colas?
49) Why do other people hear our voices different than we do?
50) If trailer parks didn't exist, would tornadoes exist?
51) Where do they get that awful music for ice skating?
52) Why does X stand for a kiss?
53) Why does O stand for a hug?
54) Why is saffron so expensive?
55) What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive packages ?
56) Why did Nabisco eliminate the red string on the wrappers of its Saltine two and four packs?
57) Why do Wintergreen Life Savers sparkle in the dark?
58) What's the funny beep on the radio just before the network news?
59) Why do we itch?
60) Why do the minute hands on school clocks always click backward before advancing?
61) What causes holes in Swiss cheese?
62) How was the order of the alphabet determined?
63) Why don't penguins in the Antarctic ever get frostbite?
64) Why do we tie shoes on the back of newlyweds' cars?
65) How does Kraft get the five ounces into every slice of American Singles?
66) Why don't we get goosebumps on our faces?
67) What is the purpose of the little ball on top of the flag pole?
68) Why is Jack a nickname for John?
69) Why do Curad bandages sparkle when you open them?
70) Why do your feet swell on an airplane?
71) Why do doughnuts have holes?
72) How do they get the cream in the twinkie?
73) Why do some ranchers put old boots on fenceposts?
74) Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?
75) Do toilet seats really protect us against anything?
76) Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?
77) Why are most homes white?
78) Why do old women dye their hair blue?
79) Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
80) Why are cows milked from the right side?
81) Why are the toilet flush handles on the left side?
82) Why does a soda taste better in a small bottle than in a large bottle or can?
83) Why do firehouses have dalmatians?
84) Why is 40% called 80 proof?
85) Why does unscented hairspray smell?
86) Why can't we make newspapers that don't smudge?
87) Why do we have to DRY clean raincoats?
88) Why do you often see a shoe lying on the side of the street?
89) Why are there more brown M&M''s than any other color?
90) Why is yawning contagious?
91) Where do swear words come from?
92) Why are movie theaters always so cold?
93) Why is everything in Texas so big?
94) Why are school buses painted yellow?
95) Where does the lost sock in the washers and dryers go?
96) Why are jeans so hard to fit into?
97) Why is a black light not black?
98) Why does glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom?
99) If taught, do gorillas really understand sign language?
100) Why do brown eyes see better in the sun than blue eyes?
101) Why do scars never go away?
102) Who killed JFK?
103) How does the Cheshire cat only show his smile?
104) What did Robinson Caruso do with Friday on Saturday night?
105) Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?
106) Why is it called a Ceasar's salad, did he invent it?
107) How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop?
108) Who really took a bite out of the Apple logo?
109) How can someone walk up a hill both ways through 32 feet of snow butt naked?
110) Why is it called football when you really don't use your feet at all?
111) How does one actually zip their lip?
112) Can your face actually freeze while making ugly faces?
113) Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman
was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
"Is that right?" he asked the man.
"Oh yes." the boy said.
The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true.
The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could
look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped
Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in
his voice cried "be gabbers,
(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.
(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
(6) She makes onions cry.
(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
i was shopping yesterday, picked up some steel wool to clean my oven...and got thinking....i've never seen a steel sheep......
I travelled over to Tunisia last week.
When I arrived the Sat Nav said "You have now reached your 'Dusty Nation'".
Judy Walkman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid’s great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory.
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: ‘Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.’
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Believe it or not, Harry Reid’s staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
”Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”
NOW THAT IS HOW IT’S DONE. IT’S CALLED A POLITICAL SPIN.
A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.
"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the
community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair.
There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."
"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
"Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large
purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty
flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it
snappy!" The Flight Attendant looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddamn it, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the Flight Attendant hurries up the aisle and
returns quickly with the parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's
technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. "Hey,
honey," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass -
I want it right now!"
The Flight Attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the
plane. In a Moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male
flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk
open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya
know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: Leading cause of diminished sex drive among senior citizens ?
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor!
A hooded robber burst into a Vancouver bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Vancouver customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old farmer named Bill from Alberta tentatively raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you..."
Mario: Do you like ugly, fat women?
Luigi: Of course not.
Mario: You don't? But do you like women with fat, hairy butts?
Luigi: No, not at all.
Mario: Really? And you don't like women with sagging breasts?
Luigi: Absolutely not.
Mario: Why do you sleep with my wife, then?
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City Christmas
Shopper Seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on
his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he
gratefully munches up.
After approx 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and
hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture
about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady
why they do not eat the almonds themselves.
She replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth;
they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady Answers, "we just love the chocolate around them."
Two men were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And whereabouts in Ireland might you be from?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begorra, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "It's a small world. So did I. And what school would you have been going to?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian the bartender, walks over to Vicky shaking his head and mutters,
"It's going to be a very long night tonight."
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again!" replies Brian.
A substitute teacher asked her students: "If you had one dollar, and you asked your parents for another, how many dollars would you have?"
A boy raised his hand and said: "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head and said: "You don't know your arithmetic."
The boy replied: "You don't know my parents!"
One day Jumbo goes to his doctor and tells him, "Doc, I want to be
castrated. After all these years I have decided it's time." The doctor
asks if he is sure of this and lets him know that once the procedure is
done, it cannot be reversed. Jumbo is sure he wants it done and goes and
has the surgery. After the procedure he is walking really funny because
he just had his manhood worked on and he sees another man walking the
same way. He says to the man, "You must have gotten the same surgery as
me." The man returns, "Yeah, after all of these years I finally decided
to be circumcised." Jumbo exclaims, "Damn, that was the word!!"
On a given night, 2 deathrow inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on
old sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor admisnisters
to the other condemned man in his cell.
"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltage
reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a
Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell
block. The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this
Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the
first execution "by candles".
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