Factory Joke Thread - August 2012

Dear Optimists and Pessimists,

While you were arguing over the amount of beer in the glass, I drank it all.

Yours gratefully,

Opportunist.

It's an oldy - but related to the Texting while Driving Thread...

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view
mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!

As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my kindle fell from the top of the steering wheel down to my feet, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which then fell into the coffee between my legs,
splashed and burned me, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Darn women drivers

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer

lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.

The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep

into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the

boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and
described
his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!"
said
the boy.

"Oh, damn!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very
loud scream.

The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the
sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying
him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.
That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself
with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed
back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just
returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey,
and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a
little green snake.

The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the
leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire
in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.
Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street.
The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed...

Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world. About a year
later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they
should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him...

While you were arguing over the amount of beer in the glass, I drank it all.

We weren't arguing over the amount of beer. We were complaining that the brand wasn't the one we drink.

Top Candy Bars Rejected by Hershey’s

16. Kevorkian Krunch -- dying for some chocolate?
15. Spittles
14. The 100,000 Peso Bar
13. Hershey’s Hickeys -- when Kisses just ain’t enough
12. Reese’s Peanut Butter D-Cups
11. Buttafucofinger
10. Rocky Mountain Oyster Pops
9. Prunettes -- for the mature Raisinette lover
8. Malted Mothballs
7. Boutros-Boutros Bon-Bons
6. Pepsodent Patty
5. Phlegm & M’s
4. Leper Bears -- melts in your mouth AND in your hands
3. Boogerfinger
2. That Ain’t Nougat! and the #1 New Candy Bar Rejected By Hersheys...
1. Zits Ahoy

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating
up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want
you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he
must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband
realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well
deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big
dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive
outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then
goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the
Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited
(she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She
goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play
tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up
and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says
"I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no
- no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face
goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the
Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a
Man!!!

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled
appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged
Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to
my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my
breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these
sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your
advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice
again this morning!"

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled
appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked. The aged
Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to
my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my
breath.... Doctor, I'm scarred!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these
sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your
advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice
again this morning!"

A man and a woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married
the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never
to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never
looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the
best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3
empty beer bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the box and
put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she
was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite
restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity
and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my
promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and
I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the
box?"

The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind
myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened,
but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation
does happen. And I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the
years." They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all
that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box
filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. after a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

were talking at the bar, and one asked the other one why skindivers always fall backwards into the water. Tis simple, because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the 'fookin' boat!

never heard that one...I'll use it!

become VERY "thin skinned" in the past few years, I think!!

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'
St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over,ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll beat the heck out of all of you!'St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

As a whole, we sure have.

I would like to see a halt to this sub-thread. Let it die, please.

1.Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy
2.Accept this sacrifice, Oh Lord of Darkness
3.Hand me that, uh, thingie
4.You know, kidneys are worth a lot of money, and this guys got 2 of them
5.What do you mean he wasn't coming in for a sex change
6.I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses
7.So what if I've *hiccup* had a few drinksch!!
8.If this is his spleen, then what the hell is that other thing?
9.Oh shit, page 39 of the manual is missing
10.Has anyone seen my watch?
11.Let's hurry, Britain's Got Talent is on tonight
12.I hope this guy was insured

User: “I need help unpacking my new Pc.”
Helpdesk: “What’s the problem?”
User: “I can’t open the box.”
Helpdesk: “Well, I’d remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there.”
User: “... okay, thanks...”

Helpdesk: “okay, please click on ‘start’ and move the mouse up to ‘settings’.”
User: “oh, you’re asking too much of me now!”

Helpdesk: “What does the screen say now?”
User: “it says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Helpdesk: “Well?”
User: “Ho do I know when it’s ready?”

Helpdesk: “I need you to right-click on the desktop... Did you get a pop-up menu?”
User: “No.”
Helpdesk: “okay. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
User: “No.”
Helpdesk: “okay, sir. can you tell me what you’ve done up until this point?”
User: “Yeah, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote ‘click’.”

Helpdesk: “What type of computer do you have?”
User: “A white one.”

“I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized I need it. if I turn my system clock back two weeks, will it come back again?”

User: “should I install the cd then?”
Helpdesk: “Yes, sir.”
User: “can I do that while the computer is on?”

User: “I’m writing my first email.”
Helpdesk: “okay, and what seems to be the problem?”
User: “Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?”

“My boss says you have to order me a mouse pad. She says you’re the only one who knows what kind is compatible with our system.”

“Can it damage the mouse if it’s been thrown against a wall?”

Helpdesk: “is the laptop plugged in?”
User: “How do I determine if it’s plugged in?”

“I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!”

Helpdesk: “click on the computer icon on the left side of the screen.”
User: “is that your left or mine?”

“Why am i getting a keyboard error? the keyboard isn’t even attached!”

User: “there’s smoke and flames coming from my computer.”
Helpdesk: “Hang up, unplug the computer and call 999.”
User: “That’s not the problem. I need to know how to do a backup. Fastest way possible.” [sound of head hitting desk]

And yes, some of us really heard those answers. That's why I'm changing job soon - before I notice any signs of contagion !

I liked this one !!!

Help Desk: Click Start. Go up to Programs
Customer: Hey slow down. Who do you think I am? Bill Gates?

These are great! One-liners are the best.

Hollywood Squares

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Back when comedians were funny and the double entendre was king.

Good One!!!!

Q. What makes water hard?
A. Charlie W: Cold weather.

That is not really a joke; you are just pushing an agenda.

Although Hollywood Squares was a legitimate game show, the game largely acted as the background for the show's comedy in the form of joke answers, often given by the stars prior to their "real" answer. The show's writers usually supplied the jokes. In addition, the stars were given question subjects and plausible incorrect ("bluff") answers prior to the show. The show was scripted in this sense, but the gameplay was not. In any case, as host Peter Marshall explains at the beginning of the Secret Square game, the celebrities are briefed prior to show to help them with bluff answers, but they are otherwise hearing the actual questions for the first time as they are asked on air.

You may be in the Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

I looked for your comment on the FBI assassin joke, but didn't find it. It also deals with spousal abuse, I guess?

I liked the FBI joke, as well as the Australian "no more shopping" one. Keep them coming.

Cheers,

The owner of a bar came home and, just as he put down his coffee, he heard the phone ring. A drunken voice asked, "What time do you plan to open your bar?"

The owner answered, "I just closed! I'll open again at noon!" With that, he hung up.

The phone rang again. It was the same drunk on the line. "What time did you say you open?"

"Noon, I told you!"

The phone rang again. "This is your old buddy again. What time you open?"

"I told you three times. Noon! Noon! Why are you so anxious to get into my bar?"

The drunk said, "In? I just wanna get out!"

HuffPo?

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

Politics?

I thought I was mentioning a News Show.

Heck, if it's politics, I would think then it would be a Talk Show....not news.

Ron

Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?

If it had 4 Doors, it'd be a Sedan.

A blond goes into the pharmacy section and asks for some "bottom freshener".
The guy says he never heard of it. She says she bought some there before so
he helps her look around. She sees what she's after and grabs it. He says "ma'am,
that underarm deodorant". She says, "no silly, see here on the bottom, 'To use,
push up bottom' ".

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
for
your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause

it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

Back when comedians were funny and the double entendre was king.[/quote]

Now comedians on stage constantly use the "F" word and I guess its supposed to be funny!

I like Rita Rudner, absolutely clean spoken and funny!

Me too.


 
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit

My wife left a note on the fridge: "It's not working! I can't take it
anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother!" I opened the fridge, the light
came on and the beer was cold. What the heck is she talking about???

Did you check if there was still some water in it too ? I know my wife doesn't drink the same brand as our daughter, for example...

Good One

Goes A Long Way !!!!

An oldie but a goodie!!

What do you call a pall bearer in Oklahoma?

Carry Okie

A young man was walking,carrying a very long stick.
A Brit asks him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Reply: No. German. How did you know my name is Walter?