Factory Joke Thread - February 2012

Very clever!!!!

That is something I think most want to do just once.

Good One!!!

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it . I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!

Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"Okay"says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven....."

http://www.youtube.com/embed/9nndS22Qda0?rel=0

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening. The Father replied, "Well, son, they're making a puppy."

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position.

Confused, the boy asked what were they doing. The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionable little boy, "Well, son, we are making you a little brother."

"The little boy replied ,"Please turn Mom over, Dad, I'd rather have a puppy!"

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says" I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says" But whenever I talk to a beautiful woman she appears out of nowhere!"

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something."If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I wasGerman?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, when I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

I can relate.

Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

The doctor finishes the exam, and tells her "You'll be having twins"

Hearing that, she looks puzzled and says

"But then who would be the father of the second one ?"

And before I get hung from the nearest tree, I love a blonde, and therefore respect all of them. Even if some of them may not always deserve it ?

It's a slow day in the small town of Pumphandle and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.
A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.
As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
(Almost done...keep reading)
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town now thinks that they are out of debt and there is a false atmosphere of optimism and glee.
And that, my friends, is how a "stimulus package" works!

Earl walked into a drug store in Arkansas and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him.

Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism.

Earl then agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

1/3 ownership in the store,
a company pickup truck,
a king size bed and
$3,000 a month in living expenses.”

Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
Lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
Accounts never die, they just lose their balance.
Bank managers don’t die, they just lose interest,
Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
Engineers never die, they just lose their bearings.
Beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Musicians never die, they just decompose.
Watchmakers never die, they just wind down.
Academics never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old librarians never die, they just check out, become overdue, and lose their circulation.
Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and lose their whey.
Old math professors never die, they just go off on a tangent.

True story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol officer:
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan , KS .
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
A 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a damn thing!"

Seniors - Don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid.

Old anatomists never die, they just smell that way.

A little old man stumbles into a biker bar and asks,

"Does anyone knows who's Doberman Pincher is outside chained up?

The burliest, ugliest and hairiest guy in the joint stands up and mutters,

"It's mine old timer? What's it to you?"

"I hate to be the bearer of such dreadful news, but I believe the poor beast has passed on," explained the old man.

"What? Are you sure? How did he die?" asked the shocked biker guy.

"It seems that my dog killed him, I'm sorry to say," replied the old man.

"I don't buy it," remarked the biker in disbelief,

"No dog could beat my Brutus."

"It's true, my Gunther killed him."

"Oh yeah? Well, what kind of dog is your Gunther, anyway?"

"A Chihuahua," answered the old man.

"There is no way that a measely little Chihuahua could have killed Brutus. No way."

"If you don't believe me, take a look for yourself," instructed the man, "It looks he tried to swallow him whole and choked to death."

Good One!!

"Jesus drop-kicked me through the goal posts of life"

Dr Oz on TV said that to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of merlot and a bottle of sauvignon blanc, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of rummm, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Tel this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. Wuv U gies!

I am knot unda the affluence on incohol BUT sum tinkle peep I am !

Two guys walked into a bar

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The third one ducked !

Just got done making a basic white sauce to thicken tonight's ham chowder. When I woke up this morning, I had a feeling that I would roux this day.

The wife asked me to get her something nice from the Bodyshop for valentines day.

So I got her a N/S front wing for a Ford Mustang.

The sex between a man and his wife had been a bit unsatisfyinglately, so she told him, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection."
You can imagine her reaction when he came back from the drug store and tossed her some diet pills.

I need to find out how to get that algae into my gas tank.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine.

At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,

"This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Old ministers never die. They just get put out to pastor.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.