Factory Joke Thread - December 2011

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail from a jar of brown gravy on the floor leading to the both the ladies and men’s restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

I shot my first turkey. I didn't think it was a big
deal, but everyone else in the frozen food aisle
certainly did. It was awesome - woo hoo!

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,

went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open

the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our

neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her

from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you

have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with

sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes

twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you

did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people

under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the

flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are

indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one

more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then

'Because she can still drive!'

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A Baboom!

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

Isn't that the truth

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "DALLAS COWBOYS"!

And they say blondes are dumb....

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some
friends and had a few too many beers and some great bourbon slush. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back
safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Good One!

Earl and Bubba are quietly fishing, chewing and drinking beer, when Bubba says,

"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over...

.......women like that are hard to find."

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have
curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He
said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next
thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

1. I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV
2. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. (Under the couch is better because it gets my master to retrieve them faster.)
3. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
4. I will no longer assume the garbage collector is stealing our stuff.
5. I will grow an opposable thumb, break into the pantry, and then decide for myself how much food is too much.
6. January 1: Kill the sock! Kill the sock! January 2 through December 31: Relive the victory over that sock.
7. I will not chase the stick until it actually leaves my owner's hand.
8. I will not start eating until my owner takes his hand away.
9. I will slow down and actually taste the food before swallowing.

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,

“Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied,

“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,

“So, Mama, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.

Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbour’s newspaper,

that's the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable.

If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique.

Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,

try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone,

you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,

you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9 . If at first you don't succeed,

skydiving is probably not for you.

10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish,

and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,

it was probably a wise investment.

12 . If you tell the truth,

you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug;

some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal

until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.

19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get

until just after you need it.

21 . Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

AND

22 . Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

He asked his friend how he could seem like a bad boy to the girls. His friend said get a motorcycle. So Dean just bought a helmet and walked into a bar. This girl ask to see his bike. He takes her to an empty parking spot. He says "Someone stole my bike. I parked it right here. That is my greasespot"...

The Ass Family:
Jack
Smart
Dumb
Kiss
Wise
Lazy

A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. He takes out a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The propriator looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"

An uplifting Story FOR CHRISTMAS
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play Golf .

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'

He said, 'I'm NOT happy.

My balls itch.

Stories like this just makes one want to cry, how heart-warming

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up....

(I love it when I make you smile....and I KNOW you are smiling....)