POI Factory Joke Thread - November 2011

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread. It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Have fun....

JM

See also

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Subject: Acts 2:38

Does He not work in strange and mysterious ways ??

Acts 2:38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven).

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar... 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture can save your life... In more ways than one!

Don't forget to use this if you find an intruder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Old Fart Football

Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

Halloween Kiss

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

--
Nüvi 765T, Nüvi 1390T, Nüvi 2559 and 2695 LMT, GPS12, GPS18 (used in nRoute and Oziexplorer on laptop), GPSmap76CSx, SonyEricsson X1 (For OziExplorer CE maps)

Billy and the Limo!

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said,'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo
And he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
And when the glass Was rolled down,he was surprised to see Who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
And called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor,'I know we are supposed to enforce the law....
But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies.
I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a Very important person.'

The supervisor asked,'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said,'No, he's more important than that.'

The supervisor said,'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said,'No, he's even more important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked,'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said,'I think it's Jesus, Because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

--
Nüvi 765T, Nüvi 1390T, Nüvi 2559 and 2695 LMT, GPS12, GPS18 (used in nRoute and Oziexplorer on laptop), GPSmap76CSx, SonyEricsson X1 (For OziExplorer CE maps)

Car accident...

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says,

"And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Dog talk

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''

So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''

The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''

The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''

She says, ''That's not creative.''

Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says,

''Liver alone......cheese mine.''

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

From the Jay Leno show

Trick-or-treater comes to the door on Halloween. He says pay me $5 bucks and then I will take your candy. Homeowner asks who are you supposed to be. Kid says Bank of America.

--
Dudlee

What Doctors Really Mean

(What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:)

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
---or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I own a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

--
"Advice to children crossing the street: Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain't never killed nobody." - Moms Mabley Garmin StreetPilot C330, Garmin NUVI 765T, Garmin DriveSmart 60LMT

Bumper Snicker

Bumper Sticker on an SUV:

"Does this ass make my car look bigger?"
(with a picture of the current Prez)

funny stuff

Human Microphone

Maybe the original human microphone joke:

Long ago church song leaders would speak the lines to a song and the congregation would then sing the line.

A song leader said, "My eyes are dim. I cannot see. I did not bring my specs with me."

The congregation sang, "My eyes are dim. I cannot see. I did not bring my specs with me."

The song leader said, "I did not mean this for a hymn. I only meant my eyes were dim."

The congregation sang, "I did not mean this for a hymn. I only meant my eyes were dim."

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...".

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open..."Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,

"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Donkey

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please."

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'"

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

he awwwwww

He aw..
he aww...
he awwwwww

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Heck, I come here five times a day, just to read it...

I shouldn't laugh at my own jokes, but this one's just killing me. Did I tell you about the Polar bear yet ?

Well, A polar bear goes into a pub and says,

"Can I have a gin and .
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tonic, please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"

The polar bear replies, "Don't know, I've always had them."
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It may take ya a couple readings... grin

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

And the one about the two guys ?

Two guys walked into a bar.
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The third one ducked wink

--
Ain't nuthin' never just right to do the things you wanna do when you wanna do them, so you best just go ahead and do them anyway ! (Rancid Crabtree, from Pat F McManus fame)

Only in LA

A guy in L.A. was shot with a starter's pistol . . . police say it was race-related.

Not a joke

Andy Rooney 1919-2011

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you
can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart!
At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

Andy will be missed.

--
1490LMT 1450LMT 295w

MEDICAL UPDATE

Remember this the next time you have major surgery
and need a blood transfusion!!
This is good to know!!
MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....
Just thought you'd like to know.

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

OK, I'll be going to my room now.

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,

'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says

'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

The Advantages of living after 60!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2019.20 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

Lock your doors and windows!

A Wisconsin man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his butt.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

NEW WORD

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become
Aroused over any of the choices for President put
Forth by either party in the 2012 election year

--
Garmin Nuvi 765T, Garmin Drive 60LM

A lot like the government.....

It's a slow day in Big Mamou , Louisiana .
The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a traveling Shreveport salesman is driving through town. He stops at the Hotel Cazan and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to
pick one in which to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, Bosco, the owner, grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to Boudreaux the butcher.

Boudreaux takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to Trosclair the pig farmer.

Trosclair takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at T-Boy's Farmers Co-op, the local supplier of feed and fuel.

T-Boy, at the Farmer's Co-op, takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, Clarise, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

Clarise rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with Bosco, the hotel owner.

Bosco then places the $100 back on the counter so the travelling salesman will not suspect anything.

At that moment the salesman comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

The whole town is now out of debt. However, no one produced anything and no one earned anything and no one has anything left.

And that, my friend, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

A lot like the government.....

This is pure fantasy by the Republicans.

A lot like the government

I'm ready for the government to take their $15 billion, $48,000 per citizen. and leave.

Who else is ready to return $48,000 to them to make them go away?

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

The Blind Man

On a really hot day,four nuns were assigned
to paint a room in their church.
After sweating for a few hours in those black robes,
they decided to take off all their clothes
and paint naked.
An hour later,someone knocked on the door
of the church.
"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't
be able to see them.They opened the door
and led him to the room they were painting.
They were surprised when he walked around
the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said,"where do you want the blinds?"

True Blondes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
Blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
Decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
Paint a couple of rooms in the house The next day, right after her
Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
Paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
Floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
Parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
Her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
Replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
Dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
Replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it Said...

You'll love this...

I know you will...

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Please don't go here

kurzemnieks wrote:

This is pure fantasy by the Republicans.

As a DEMOCRAT, I am taking the responsibility of gently throwing a yellow flag on this response and asking you to please avoid partisan comments like this, because they can quickly turn what can otherwise be a fun thread for everybody into a political flamewar. There are plenty of other websites you can go to if that's your goal.

The joke you responded to was a bipartisan offender, as is the other political joke here, so those are fine. If it could apply equally to the Bush and the Obama administrations, it's not flamebait. Surely you're not denying that the US federal government has gotten by with some screwball accounting procedures for many years??

/"...and don't call me Shirley!"

--
JMoo On

Marbles

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
And . . .

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles!

Getting Old Stinks:

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." "Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old. "No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6:30." Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00."

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

A guy goes into a bar...

A guy goes into a bar where there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey."
Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU
Tigers

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it
one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?”
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy with Barack Obama?

--
Cleveland, OH Nuvi 780

ever met my boss?...Now

ever met my boss?...Now there's a joke !!

Apples Fault

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

PS: iHurt!!!

The Game Warden

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thansgiving to Everyone.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

The Toilet Seat -

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..

Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

BURGLARY IN FLORIDA

(You just can't make this stuff up ! !)

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized
recently, thieves ignored his wide screen Plasma TV, his VCR, and even
left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a "generic white cardboardbox filled
with a grayish-white powder." (That's the way the police report
described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that "it looked
similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit
the big time.
"Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with
the burglars:
"Please return the cremated remains of my Sister, 'Gertrude'. She died
three years ago."
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer
known as 'Hoochie Pevens' was found on Nathan's doorstep.
The cardboard box was there too; about half of 'Gertrude's' ashes remained.
Taped to the box was this note which said:"Hoochie sold us the bogus
blow, so we wasted 'Hoochie'.
Sorry we snorted your Sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

More Idle thoughts of a retiree

....One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

....My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

....I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

....The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

....How can there be self-help "groups"?

....Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

....Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

I was...

in bed with a blind hooker and she said "you have the biggest member I 've ever felt, and I said, "You're pulling my leg"!

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

I told...

a buddy last week that I met these twins, and I'm getting it on with them, he asked how I could tell them apart, and I said her brother has a mustache!

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

IRISH SPEEDOS

Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, Australia, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls, so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

'Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate.......you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'

'Bloody Hell!' said the lifeguard. 'Mate. The potato goes in the front!'

Dog for sale cheep

A guy is driving around the back woods of
Montana and he sees a sign in front of a
broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking
Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner
appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a
nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of
hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I
discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from
country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

'I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out,
and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so
I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security,
wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in. I uncovered some incredible
dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks
the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on
earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he lies. He's never been out of
the yard'

Better than a Flu Shot!

Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness

And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,

The young minister

Noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled

With water, and in the
water Floated, of all things,

a condom!

When she returned

With tea and scones,

They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you

would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?

I was walking through

The Park a few months ago

And I found this little package on the
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

I was in bed...

with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest member she had ever laid her hands on.
> I said "You're pulling my leg."
>

> I saw a poor, old lady fall over today on the ice!!
> At least, I presumed she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
>

> My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
> Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
>

> Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
> Do you think I should change dentists?
>

> A wife says to her husband . "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!"
> He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"
>

> I was explaining to my wife last night that, when you die, you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
> She said she'd like to come back as a cow.
> I said, "You're obviously not listening".
>

> My wife has been missing a week now.
> Police said I should prepare for the worst.
> So, I went to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
>
>
> You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but, at least they drive slowly past schools.
>

> A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
> I said "How can you tell them apart?"
> He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
>
>
>
>
> Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
> To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard!"
>
>

--
"Backward, turn backward, oh time in your flight, make me a child again, just for tonight."

America's smartest President

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Sarah Palin said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America ’s people don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, John McCain, said, “I’m a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Na...vy unit from the United States of America ”. So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.. The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the Anointed One." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out. The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, “I have lived a full life, and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little girl said, "That's OK Dr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my school bag."..

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

pastor's new teeth

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

I love it when I make you smile...

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T
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