Factory Joke Thread – April 2025

A husband takes his wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty-five years ago, he proposed to me, and I turned him down.”

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

"I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do."
"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter."
"So far, this is the oldest I've been."
"I don't have wrinkles, I have wisdom highlights."
"I'm not old, I'm a classic."
"I'm not aging, I'm marinating."
"Old age is like a fine wine - it gets better with time."
"I may be old, but I'm still younger than Mick Jagger."
"Old age is when you start looking forward to the end of your shopping trips."
"I'm not old, I'm just chronologically gifted."

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And so the statues came to life. They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind some bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and said to the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon and I'll sh*t on its head!"


I've just finished reading a book about the world's greatest basement.....It was a best cellar:



It's my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.



My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently because I left Windows open.



I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks....It cost me an arm and a leg.



The main function of your little toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.



Horses have lower divorce rates.  It's because they are in stable relationships.



It's pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car will I get exhausted.



My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.



90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can't part with it.



Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle......It's a vicious cycle.



The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.



I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer.  People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.



What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?  A receding hare line.



When I was a kid, we played spin the bottle with the girls, if they didn't want to kiss you, they would have to give you a dollar.  By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.



Always trust a nudist......They have nothing to hide.

Funny

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”

The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.

“No, from skipping all day,” replied the blonde.

Sometimes you should watch the road instead of the GPS (or phone).

https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/34369954/40ft-unfinished-bridg...

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.
Her husband won’t listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals.
The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.
At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. She’s intrigued by all of them and then sees a bird as big as a bald eagle, but that looks like a parrot with all its colors. She asks the store clerk what the bird is, and the clerk replies “Oh, it’s a goony bird! We just got it from Siberia! It’s tame really, go on and pet it!” So the woman did, and the goony bird affectionately rubbed its beak against the back of her hand.
“That’s not all it can do!” continued the clerk. “These birds, aside from being loyal to their owners, are also used as protection birds! And so the clerk said “Goony bird! The shelf!” And the goony bird extended its large wings to their full span and flew over to the shelf across the room. It then proceeded to destroy and demolish the shelf. Once all that remained of the shelf was a pile of kindling, it went back to its shelf.
The clerk continued, “Goony bird! The birdcage!” And so the goony bird destroyed the metal birdcage.
The woman bought the goony bird instantly. She went back home to find her husband, no surprise, sitting on the couch, watching the big game.
“You’re back,” he grumbles, barely looking up. “Have you got any salsa and chips for me? The cabinet’s out of it.”
The woman smiles. “Honey, you won’t believe what I got from the store! It’s a goony bird, from Siberia!”
The husband snorted with his usual put-down tone. “Goony bird, my ass!”

A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

I used to use my right hand to stir my coffee. But then I started using a spoon.

She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”

“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”

“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”

hello

What does a Fart & A Birthday Candle have in common?

Both are more entertaining, when lit with a match!!

In case I get a hole in one.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in a panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this plane will never even start”