Factory Joke Thread – November 2023

Warning! This post contains No Joke Material. Read at your own risk!

Like he said!

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own.
—Mria Murillo

That makes him his own grandpa too

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

I just started the new computer diet.

I can eat anything I want, but only one byte.

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness or a death in your immediate family. But that's it -- no other excuses whatsoever!"

The smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rALCtcMoMh8

An elderly man just nudges the rear end of an expensive sports car. Enraged, the driver hops out of his car and confronts the old man. "Look what you did to my car"; he yells. "You're gonna give me $10,000 right now or I'm gonna beat you to a bloody pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man; "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he'll know what to do."

"Dolphins?", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.

"So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I'm gonna beat you and your old man to a bloody pulp".

"I'll be there in 10 minutes," says the voice calmly on the other end.

Exactly ten minutes later, a jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a bloody heap on the side of the road.

When he's finished, he walks over to his father and says; "for the LAST TIME Dad…. I train SEALS…. NAVY SEALS…. NOT dolphins"

This week is not a joke.

I Like

Doing nothing is hard because you never know when you’re done.

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and

Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and

Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

LOL!

…but worth a view.

Honda released a commercial called “The Cog” just a bit over 20 years ago. Always worth a laugh, you can see it at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ve4M4UsJQo

That's just my secret stuffing.

(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a big dog. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

I remember that ad when it was fresh on TV, it was really cool. Here's a video of them making the commercial.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOY4JThl1Bs

Great to see how it was made. For many years there has been speculation on how they got the wheels to roll uphill (see time tag 2:41). Any thoughts?

I always thought they put wheel weights on them heavy enough to do what they wanted when moved.

I Love

Check this link; https://www.theguardian.com/science/2003/may/01/thisweekssci.....

Note that they are quoting the producer Rob Steiner so the content seems to be relatively factual.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did. 9 weeks later, and the couple were still waiting. They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven? Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger. He slammed his clipboard to the ground. Frightened, the couple asked, “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

Envelope.

So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.

Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

Threw out my back sleeping, and tweaked my neck sneezing so I’m probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis.

Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.

There are 2 rules of survival: 1) don't tell everything you know.

Senior resetting Windows password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.

Turns out I didn't see that well.

I already tried that P/W...
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

I get the same feeling with some of my different passwords. Would love to use one for everything.

Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

A recent study was done to find out why? Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.

Enjoyed this one. Made me laugh.

I just knew it was because the electric ones didn't have that famous sound

I especially enjoyed this one:

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

To be perfectly honest, I'd like to believe that there are at least a couple of hundred patriotic millennials left in this country. And if there are I suspect they may be too afraid to speak up/out for our country given the cancel culture that seems to have infected us. IMHO that is.

Phil

Funnyyyyyyyyy

The comment below by plunder fits well with this tidbit from above:
=======================================================
We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
=======================================================

LOL!

The steaks were too high.

All of the above is relatable to quite a number of this generation.

Now, I didn’t see that coming!

Funny!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.

“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”

“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”

“I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday or Tuesdat and it ruins it for us.

It seems like the older I get, the tighter companies are putting the lids on jars.

Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can't get any worse.

The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart.

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home. Pointing a knife at me...He asked me "your money or your life!" I told him I am married, so I have no life. We hugged and cried together. It was a beautiful moment.

For the ladies

No one told me that when you get a husband, the ears are sold separately.

Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They'll never tell anyone because they aren't even listening.

Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"