Factory Joke Thread – July 2023

There are three kinds of people in the world
those who can count, and those who can't

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.

Google: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees. Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse.

She is just 12 minutes away as per her uber ride status. I have scheduled her 500 Dollars payment from your credit card 2 hours from now. I have checked your wife's GPS and she is at Walmart buying groceries.

As per her buying checklist stored on my disk, she will take at least 2 more hours plus considering Google maps traffic, an extra 1 hour to reach home.

Enjoy your sex. And yes, your condom is in the pull-out drawer of your living room and the key to that drawer is in your wallet.

This is the last condom, so I have added condoms to your Amazon cart.

This is called Artificial Intelligence

—————
Wife: Hey Google, have you set it up?

Google: Sure thing, he thinks you are going to take three hours, all you gotta do is take an Uber home, and you will reach in 45 minutes.

I'm recording the whole thing with four cameras, you just need to walk in, we have the bastard cold,

I have your divorce papers printed and ready, your attorney briefed, and case documents drafted, all set. Your Uber ride is waiting outside.

This is artificial counterintelligence.

Scene: A sports store. Customer: Do you have jogging shorts?
Me: We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going? —Stephanie Chapman

Q. What do snowmen order at fast-food restaurants?
A. An iceberg-er and fries!

Starting to get bad.

He told me that I have many issues.

There are 10 kinds of people. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Guess you could say that it was yaki nori.

1. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

2. I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.

3. I was wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

4. I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.

5. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

6. When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

7. Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

8. It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

9. I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.

10. I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’

11. My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people.

12. The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

13. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

14. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

15. Never trust atoms; they make up everything.

16. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

17. I was addicted to 'the hokey-pokey', but then I turned myself around.

18. I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

19. Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

20. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast.

21. Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

22. My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.

23. A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’

24. I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

25. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

26. Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

27. The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.

28. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

29. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.

30. ‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’
‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’

31. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

32. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

33. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

34. Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

35. Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.

36. If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages?

37. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

38. I didn’t think orthopaedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.

39I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass.

40. People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…
- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of their nannies and finally learned their child's names.
- A busload of Yanks were apprhended sneaking into Mexico.
- A picture is now only worth 100 words.
- The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
- I called a car dealer to get the book value on my used car. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’

The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?”
He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

spent $9,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him.....
...but they taste like peppermint.

A good woman, must be able to clean, cook, sew, dig worms and clean fish!
Must have a boat and motor!
Please send a picture of the boat and motor!

I stop at nothing to avoid them.

You are in the middle of a few projects around at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt any more because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember...the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

I love this kind of humor, mainly because there's so much truth in them. Well said.

Phil

good one!!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
Remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

********************
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

********************
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

********************
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

********************
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year

- Victor Borge

********************
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

********************
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
You'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

********************
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

********************
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

********************
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

********************

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

********************
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

********************
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

********************
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

********************
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

********************
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

********************
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

********************
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

********************
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

*******************
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

The dad said he’d make a deal with his son:

“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

To this his father replied, “Did you also notice that they walked everywhere they went?”

A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't.

1. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

5. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

6. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

7. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?

8. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?

9. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!

10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.

11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most, never use it.

12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.

14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.

15. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

17. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.

18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas

22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

26. My husband says I keep pushing his buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

They just have too many problems.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Technically, every dog in existence is either a bitch or a son of a bitch

An almost blind man walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife.

After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace garment for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on.

She took it upstairs and realized that it didn’t quite fit. But, she figured, since it was supposed to be see-through and he was practically blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.

So she came downstairs completely naked.

“Huh,” said the man, hugging her. “For the amount I paid, they could’ve at least ironed the damn thing.”

Wow

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a birthday cake on the phone.

The salesman asked him what message; he wanted to put on the cake.
He thought for a moment, and said, put "you're getting older, but you're getting better".

The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"

The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and
"But you are getting better" at the bottom.

When the cake was unveiled, at the party, all the guests were aghast at the message, on the cake.

It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"!

Moral of the Story:
1. Always proof-read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it down correctly.
3. Don't order cakes by telephone.

Maybe a little too true in today's world.

But I'm slowly getting over it.