Factory Joke Thread – June 2023

I just saw a grandpa help a youngster who was staring into his phone, to cross the street.

Patient: “Doctor, you have to help me, I think I can see in the future.”
Doctor: “When did it start?” Patient: “Next Friday.”

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name.

What do you call bears with no ears?
B–.

A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.”
She said, “So, I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class was already over.”

I told my physical therapist I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.

A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He visited one hospital in Brooklyn and brought along his portable keyboard.
After telling jokes and singing songs at patients’ bedsides, he said farewell and, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

Nothing Better than a Corny Joke

Thanks johnm405. You'd got my morning off to a good start.

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. “You know what?” says the 6-year-old. “I think it’s about time we start cussing.”

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. “When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m going to say hell and you say ass.”

“OK!” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Aw hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts “You can just stay there till I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “But you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

Uh oh!

Ahh, an oldie but goodie. Still funny after all these years.

Phil

Was walking down the street when a sidewalk musician yelled that he was going to beat me with a guitar neck.

I asked him if that was a fret.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'

Hi everyone

Good One

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems alright – but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So, Ma’, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.

“It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

Some years ago, while I was in Chicago, I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, so I decided to go there and listen to them in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe because I was the only white person in the church? We spoke a bit then he laid a hand on my shoulder and said, "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty and the will of God, you will walk today."  I thought to myself, "I'm not paralyzed". 

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said, "By the Grace of God and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."  Again I thought, there's nothing wrong with me. After the sermon, I stepped outside, and lo and behold they were right.

My car was gone...

My clock just struck thirteen. I think that means it's time to get a new clock.

Boy, that is a groaner.

Lame

• It's not my age that bothers me; it's the side effects.

• I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

• As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation

• I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

• If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

• Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

• I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

• I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

• My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

• Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

• Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

John came home from the doctor looking very worried.
His wife said, “What’s the problem?”
He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day
for the rest of my life.”
She said, “So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day
their whole lives.”
He said, “I know, but he only gave me four pills!”

Everyone has kicked a pregnant woman at least one in their life

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her,

'The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail in the 2 by 4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn.

Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,

She tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.

How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

He showed up wearing pants?

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS...

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

27. Will glass coffins ever be popular? Remains to be seen.

Hardy har har!

Unfortunately it went over my head.

nobody gets worried, I wrote this one and I haven't quit my day job!

In celebration of the last day of school, everyone from the elementary school goes out for a night on the town.

Since establishments often show their gratitude for the jobs that teachers do, they offer special pricing for educators.

The total is split up such that with drinks and the fancy dinner, and before the special pricing, each share works out to $100.

All the teachers get their checks, $75.

The principal gets hers, $150.

The superintendent gets his, $320.

The principal whispers to the superintendent, what's with these prices. It's as if they took our annual salaries, and removed 3 zeros from them.

Superintendent says, they did.

Sounds about right. The less actual work you do the more you are paid. It's a sad state of affairs.

This one is almost right. There will almost certainly be punctuation in the form of misplaced apostrophes.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Hmmm, not exactly Factory Joke Thread material but very perceptive.

Phil

A farmer near Bismarck died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.

When his sons opened up the Will it read:

My eldest son 1(half) of total horses;

My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;

My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a good friend called Charlie, who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

Charlie then read the Will patiently, after giving due thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.

Now, he divided the horses according to their father's Will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son……..9

Middle son…….6

Youngest son…2

TOTAL IS…….17.

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.

Problem Solved!

Wow

He’s good!

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

“Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s a kind of good thing. You know,a little peace and quiet?”

“Yeah. But today is the last day!”

Those are good.
LOL

I'm pretty sure it wasn't just a coincidence.

A professor type on another forum said to me, your joke isn't mathematically possible.

That's where theory, and applied math diverge.

That person likely hasn't eaten out lately, where a mandatory 20%, plus an additional optional tip, are EXPECTED. It's not known, how many are in attendance. It's amazing how much people read into things nowadays. lol

Just For Grins: Computer Gender

Some women say computers should be referred to in the
masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to
turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still
clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you to solve
problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that
if you had waited a little longer you could have
had a better model.

Some men say computers should be addressed in the
feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their
internal logic.

2. The native language that they use to
communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their
long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you
find yourself spending half of your paycheck on
accessories for it.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY! Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

SIMPLE DUTIES: You make the bed. (+1) You make the bed but forget the decorative pillows. (-10) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) But return with Beer. (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5) You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10) It's her pet Schnauzer. (-30)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS: You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2) Named Tina (-10) Tina is a dancer. (-20) Tina has breast implants. (-40)

HER BIRTHDAY: You take her out to dinner. (+2) You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3) Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2) And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie. (+1) You take her to a movie she likes. (+5) You take her to a movie you hate. (+6) You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE: You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30) You say to her, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION: She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) You hesitate in responding. (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) You give any other response. (-40)

COMMUNICATION: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2) You listen for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

See, now that was funny. I sure didn't see that one coming!

Phil

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog, because it croaks every day.

What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?

Ketchup.

YoZZA

if my brothers daughter is called Denise....whats his son called....
.... De-Elbows
Don't blame me.....I got caught with it by the neighbours kid.....