Factory Joke Thread – March 2023

Daughter to Dad ... TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation

Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

Dad’s reply ....also by texting

My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.

L.O.L. (lots of love),
Daddy

Lol

“How come you’re late?” asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

“It was awful,” she explains. “I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course — all my training came back to me in a flash.”

“What did you do?” asks the bartender.

“I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!”

lol

I gave away my old batteries. Didn't charge a dime as they were free of charge.

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------------------ Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store----- Stop'N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle -------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ---------------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ------------------------------------ Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco --------------------------------------- Go Gogh

The brother with low back pain-----------------------Lum Bay Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling. There ya Gogh!

Bob: I took our old clothes to Goodwill.
Linda: Did you say bye, are they going to miss us?
Bob: No, I think they are just glad to be back home.

An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon Harry's. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition."'

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars into her hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains...

…that Vincent had such a large family.
PS: I think I saw Winnie going down the road last week heading south.

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled. "No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed. Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Really cute.

Phil

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

“Wow!” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours.
What happened?”

“Wrong number…” replied the girl.

I installed iTunes recently. I unticked the option to "Make iTunes the default media player". It went ahead and did it anyway. This has made me rather angry. Oh, well, I suppose iTunes is 17 years old, after all, so it thinks it knows everything and does what it wants.

Let's eat kids!

Let's eat, kids!

Yep, commas are important.

cool

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne

The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating

This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman

'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he
added: 'What are you celebrating

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant

'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all
last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'

'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?

'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence!’

An old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. – Bob Hope

A woman on the phone to her friend: “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.”

A group of Antifa were protesting the raising of goats for milk on a farm. So they rushed into a goat barn and baracaded the door. About 15 minutes later the door flew open and the goats ran out gasping for air.

In a shoe repair store in Vancouver BC: "We will heel you; we will save your sole, we will even dye for you."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you’ve come to the right place."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit. Stay."

At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

In a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign on the back of a septic tank truck: "Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises."

LOL!

Sign on the back of a septic tank truck: A Royal Flush beats a Full House, anytime.

....where she is seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examining room, the doctor tells her that she is pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the hallway screaming! An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her down in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What's wrong with you?", he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her that she is pregnant?!!" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

What’s the difference between someone who is kinky and a pervert?
Someone who is kinky tickles you with a feather!
A pervert uses the whole darn chicken!

I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects.

I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore. . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.”

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumb ass.

He just needed a little space.

A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

...if you get a link called “free porn” don’t opin it.
It is a virus which deactivates ur spelcheck and fcuks
up ur riting. I also receibed it but lukily I don’t uatch
porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends.
Wanks.

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "Smell this", it usually smells nice.

Deep though of today: When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

LIfe is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the Internet arguing with strangers about politics.

Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can't get any worse than it started.

I hate it when I meant to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidently get...well you know...Oreos.

Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going backto bed after you pee.

Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals called "hallways"? Shouldn't they be called psych paths?

In the long run, one of the most expensive vehicles to operate is a Costco shopping cart.

The older I get the tighter companies are putting the lids on jars.

lol

Don't trust trees. They're shady.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

The food is great but it has no atmosphere.

A: It makes them easier to spot on the side of the road.

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He then confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the local Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation of $80. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."