Factory Joke Thread – January 2023

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he
say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Whatever you do, always give 100%--unless you're donating blood.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest! You'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant snorting coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest! You'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think of what you are doing to your body! Come running with us through the sunny forest! You will feel so good!" The lion puts down his needle, picks up the rabbit and starts beating him.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror they say, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion says, "He always makes me run around the forest for hours every time he's on ecstasy!

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

It's a good reminder of how I spent the previous year.

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability that you will get it wrong.

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:
 
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
 
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza.
 
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
 
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property"
 
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"

What's a paper route? LOL

At a winery, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

An apparent drunkard with a ragged, rather dirty look, came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a northern facing slope, matured in stainless-steel. Somewhat lower grade, but acceptable at the right price point."

"That's... that's correct.", said the boss, astonished.

Another glass... "This is a Cabernet Sauvignon, eight years old, grown on old vines planted on a south-western facing slope, matured in new oak barrels at 58 degrees. Requires three more years for the finest results."

"Correct!" A third glass... "This is a Pinot Blanc Champagne with an oaked, full body flavor and a strong fragrance with notes of apple and almond." the drunk said calmly.

The director was blown away, but in case this was some sort of hoax, he wanted to put the man to a real test.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

Awesome

A monk decided that he was going to join the monastery. The Abbot told him that he could only speak two words every three years if he joined the monastery. The monk said that he was okay with those rules. At the end of three years, the Abbot called in the monk and asked him if he wanted to say anything. The monk replied, “Food. Cold.” At the end of the next three years, he was asked if he wanted to say anything. He replied, “Bed. Hard.” Three more years goes by. The Abbot asked the monk if he had anything to say. The monk replied, “I quit.” The Abbot replied, “It’s about time. The only thing that you have done since you got here is complain, complain, complain.”

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

"I wish to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "that is the only wish that I'm not allowed to grant."

"Fine," I said. "Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!"

"You're a crafty little bastard," replied the fairy.

you have to appreciate a good pun. Thanks.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older. This is not what I expected.

Old age comes at a very inconvenient time.

I would say that we are now in the metal age!
Silver in your hair
Gold in your teeth
And
Lead in your pencil!

The last one. ?

James was a single guy, living alone, not far from his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit it and a small fortune once his sickly father died.

James wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance and,
• To find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

He got up the courage to aproach her and said, "I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit a small fortune."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women seem so much better at estate planning than men.

Wife’s Diary entry
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



Husband's Diary Entry:


A one-foot putt, who the hell misses a one-foot putt?

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right and exercise more...but that was 4 hours ago...

when I was younger and full of hope.

I can relate to that!

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over two months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

I got a bit bored on a long highway drive and started scrolling through the various voice choices on my GPS.
There was a USA accent, a French accent and even an Australian accent. Then I noticed "Wife mode". So I selected it, and nothing seemed to happen, until about 10 miles later the GPS said,

"So, if I died, would you get a new GPS?""

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Explanation: Because the world’s population is split between men and women.

All it was doing was gathering dust!

They get toad.

...until you have walked a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have his shoes.

Well, they're not laughing now!

Wait....

Just like everyone else.

This doesn't work.
What goes along with the first two would be "NO lead in your pencil".

"If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe

"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about t." - Golda Meir

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

"Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg

“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault

“Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." – GB

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." – Unknown

"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin

"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips."- John Wagnerf

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old."-Mark Twain

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg

"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips

"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers

"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown"

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns "

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common:
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

It has nothing to do with double letters . . in all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas ...

Ira took her husband Norman to the emergency for an unknown ailment.

They discovered that he desperately needed a blood transfusion to save his life! But his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked her if she knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save Norman’s life.

Tragically, she said that she had never known his blood type, so she only had time to sit and say goodbye.

Just after he passed, she remarked that she would never forget how supportive Norman was... "Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering, “Be positive... Be positive!”
"That was Norman! Always thinking of others.”

My new SUV has a button that says "rear wiper." I'm afraid to push it.

When I was young I was a poor golfer. After years of practice, I am no longer young.

It used to be rock around the clock, now it's limp around the block.

Ain't that the truth?

Zeke and Zeb, two old prospectors, met at the store one day as they were both buying supplies. Zeke looked at what Zeb had selected for food items and asked, "Didn't you send off and get one of those fancy cookbooks so you could learn new recipes?"

Zeb looked back and told Zeke "Yeah, but I couldn't use it."

"Why, too difficult?

"No, every one of those recipes started out Take a clean dish..."

Good One!!

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin’ Catholic

Did you hear about the famous dentist?

They put his name on a plaque.

A farmer got in his pickup and drove over to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the man, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The man stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that", he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $100 for the boar, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard.

Bob was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, "Thanks Loser, whatcha gonna do about it?"
Bob burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. What's your problem?"
 
"This is the worst day of my life," Bob says. "I'm a complete failure. 
I was late for a meeting and my boss fired me. 
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen. 
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. 
I found my wife in bed with the mailman and then my dog bit me. 
So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. 
I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink it!"
 
"But, enough about me, how's your day going?"

Wow

Sorry, but sometimes a good blonde joke is just too hard to pass up...

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?”

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Twenty-One?”

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”

So, he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Nineteen?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance – what is 2 plus 3?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Five?”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

Experts have found the following analysis to be nearly 100% accurate.

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people that are in prison that used to run the state, & would like to do so again, as would their constituents that are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for.

12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

A psychiatrist in Canada was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, (from Ontario) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, (from Manitoba) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.