Factory Joke Thread –September 2022

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read all the forum rules before posting, and keep in mind...

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

This thread will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

I need an Italian

I need an Italian to paint my ceiling. I might call Angelo.

Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Actual Football Coach Quotes!

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football "...
– John Heisman, first football coach at Rice

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
– Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!"
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat.
That costs money, and we don't have any."
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
- Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts."
- Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
- Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
- Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
- Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant."
- Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
– Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
- Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades."
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

" Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me "
He said, "Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good."
- Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State/Dallas Cowboys

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel."
- Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport."
- Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education."
- Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb.To be a back, you only have to be dumb."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking."
- John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players."
- Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:
"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

Why do Auburn fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said, " Look, a dead bird."
The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?
"Will the defendant please rise."

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

Birds & Bees

I never got a birds and the bees speech as a child. The closest thing I ever got -- one time, my dad was cooking breakfast; he's like, 'Sex is a lot like this egg. First thing you gotta do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then, you gotta take her, crack her over the head and lay her out flat, alright? Come on now -- wait 'til she starts sizzlin' really good, then you can flip her on over -- there ya go.
Don't get too excited or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.

Couple Night Out A French couple, an Italian couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
The French husband says to his wife "pass the honey, honey."
The Italian man says to his wife "Pass the sugar, sweety."
The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife "pass the bacon you fat pig".

Knock Knock!
Who's there? Bacon.
Bacon who?
Bacon a cake for your birthday.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/foodjokes/baconjo...

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Birds & Bees

Good One

Getting married again

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

funny

and a good one

Ouch..

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Longevity

Here are some interesting facts on longevity:

- The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54.
- The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57.
- The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.
- The best soccer player in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60.

And then there's this...

- The KFC inventor died at 94.
- The inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.
- The cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.
- The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 - in an earthquake.
- The Irish inventor of Hennessy cognac, died at 98.

How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

- The rabbit is always jumping, but it lives for only 2 years.
- The turtle that doesn't exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So... Have a glass of wine...Take a nap... And IF you wake up, have bacon & eggs!

I'm afraid of negative numbers.

When counting down, I stop at nothing to avoid them.

Shower Thought

The mailman has never been in your house, so as far as your dog knows, their barking is working.

Bird and the Bees (modern day version)

A little boy goes to his father and asks, " Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in an online chat-room. Then I set up a date via email with your Mom, and we met at a Cyber café. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, "You've got male!"

--
John from PA

Meet Walter Barnes 98 years old and still golfing

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."

--
John from PA

Bird And The Bees (Modern Day Version)

Wow

My secret to looking young

At my 80th birthday party, many people commented that I looked to be about 60, not 80, and inquired as to my secret. I replied that “I have sex almost every day.”

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesday

….

Almost on Sunday

--
John from PA

Children...

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Brevity

I promise this will be a short story.

^story

When I Die

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

You Know It’s Going To Be A Bad Day When…

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard

You wake up face down on the pavement

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You see a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

You learn from your local quick printer that the word "instant" on his sign means 3 days — maybe

Your son tells you he wished Anita Bryant would mind her own business

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last nights party —and there aren't any

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city

Your printer tells you that the business cards you ordered 10 days ago won't be ready for another week

You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke — and then realize you don't have a waterbed

Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck — as you follow a group of Hell's angels on the freeway

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache!

You put both contact lenses in the same eye

--
John from PA

Sex and good grammer

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. 
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a  nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure  for erectile  dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.  The old  Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned 'This is a  powerful medicine. 

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say:  '1-2-3.'   When you do, you  will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can  perform for as long as you want." 

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked:  "How do I stop the medicine from working?" 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the  medicine will not work again until the following year." 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,  took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in  the bedroom. 

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said:  "1-2-3!"  Immediately,  he was the manliest of men. 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her 
clothes, and asked:  "What was the 1-2-3 for?" 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a  preposition, because we could end up with a  dangling participle. 

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

What do you call a mexican

What do you call a mexican gps?
Juan Direction

Hot Air Ballon

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.

Hot Air Ballon

Good One

very true

very true!

MaddPerson wrote:

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.

Decided what to do with my used batteries

I was going to sell them, but I gave them away free of charge.

Only child...

My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Hot Stuff

Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Facial Recognition

A 45-year-old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital.

While she was in surgery, she had a supernatural, near-death experience.

She met God and asked him: “Has my time come?”

“No,” he answered, “you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live.”

After she recovered, the woman decided to stay at the hospital and do some plastic surgery on her face, a liposuction, breast enlargement and abdominal fat removal. She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting.’ She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live in the best way possible.

Not until she had recovered from her last surgery, did she leave the hospital, wearing a new dress with matching heels.

She went to cross the street… and was run over by an ambulance.

While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God. “You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?” she demanded.

And he answered: “I didn’t recognize you.”

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

That poor man...

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Need an Ark?

I Noah guy.

I drove into a cemetery…

…the other day and immediately felt uncomfortable. The GPS blurted out, ‘You have reached your final destination’.

--
With God, all things are possible. ——State motto of the Great State of Ohio

The Stella Awards

Stella Awards* (You couldn’t make this up!)

*It ' s time again for the annual ' Stella Awards ' ! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald ' s in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That ' s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.*

*Here are the Stellas for the past year:*

**SEVENTH PLACE**

*Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son. Start
scratching!

*** SIXTH PLACE **

*Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn ' t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor ' s hubcaps. Scratch some more...

*** FIFTH PLACE **

*Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn ' t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.. Forced to sit for eight, count ' em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner ' s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more... Double hand scratching after this one..

***FOURTH PLACE**

*Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella' s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner ' s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun. Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

*** THIRD PLACE * *

*Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions? Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

***SECOND PLACE**

*Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000...oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure. *

*Ok Here we go!!*

** FIRST PLACE **

*This year ' s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver ' s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed andoverturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner ' s manual that she couldn ' t actually leave the driver ' s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? *

*$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

--
"As life runs on, the road grows strange with faces new - and near the end. The milestones into headstones change, Neath every one a friend." - James Russell Lowell Garmin StreetPilot C330, Garmin NUVI 765T, Garmin DriveSmart 60LMT

Yep

Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.

Ireland enters the conflict

 
President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said "This is Paddy down  at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Seán, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Putin paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back"


Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Putin asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Putin sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 60,000 tanks and 50,000 armoured personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 1,500,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Putin, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Putin was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1000 bombers and 2000 fighter planes.
My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 2,000,000!"

"May the road rise up to meet you!" says Paddy, "
I will have to ring you back."


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Good mornin', Mr. Putin! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Putin. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no way we can feed 2,000,000 prisoners."
 
 
 

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A couple in their nineties

are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically in great shape, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'

--
John from PA

Old Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and started explaining.

“Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 P.M. for 20 cents. I continued this process for the rest of the week, then for the next, then for the whole month that followed, and so on.”

“That must’ve taken years!” the boy exclaimed, flabbergasted by the elderly man’s patience and determination. “That’s how you built your empire?”

“Heavens, no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”