Factory Joke Thread – February 2022

PREGNANT BLONDE
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.

TURBO POWER!
If you ever fart in public, just yell, "Turbo power!" and walk faster.

While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach in Jamaica for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied,

"If you were better looking it would lift itself."

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less “Life in prison” is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought “Their cornbread isn't done in the middle.”

Aliens probably fly by earth and lock their doors.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

The month before Frank’s 21st birthday, his father told him, “Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21? When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers… all of them could walk on water at age 21.”

“Cool!” said Frank. “I can’t wait to walk on water!”

A month later, Frank turned 21, and his family took him to the lake to see him walk on water.

They got into a boat and rowed into the middle of the lake, and watched excitedly as Frank stepped out of the boat… but instead of walking on the surface, he sank.

After he was pulled back into the boat, Frank said, “I don’t get it! You all turn 21, and you can walk on water! I turn 21, and I can’t!”

“Hmm,” said Frank’s father. “Come to think of it, it may be because all our birthdays are in February but yours is in July…”

In the old days you would have used the military term "JATO", Jet Assisted Take Off.

Phil

So as not to be outdone by the occasional redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

- Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

- You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

- You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

- Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

- You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?

- You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

- A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

- Gas costs $2.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

- Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

- Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

- It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

- You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones.

- It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather related accidents.

- Both you AND your dog have therapists.

- If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one!!!

Yessir

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/valentinesdayjokes/vale...

......wrong numbers are never busy?

How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to change a tire?
One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up

What does a Carolina Panthers fan do when his team has won the Super Bowl?
He turns off the PlayStation 3.

How do football players spend the first week of training camp?
Studying the Miranda Rights.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/nfljokes/index.html

I can’t believe someone broke into my RV and stole all of my fruit! I am peach less!

From: RV travel newsletter

Sad but true for the Cleveland Browns, too, who are one of only three(?) teams never to have been in the Super Bowl. On a more positive note, I was at the championship game in 1964 when the Browns beat the then Baltimore Colts 27-0. Go Browns!

Phil

A guy throws open the door to a bar and walks in loudly yelling "ALL LAWERS ARE SCUM BUCKETS". A man sitting at the end of the bar says, Hay I take exception to that, to which the first guy says, why are you a lawyer looking at him intently. He replies, Nooo I'm a scum bucket....

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience.

Soon, she finds herself on the horse’s back, galloping through a lush green meadow.

Unsuspectingly, the horse suddenly picks up speed, and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.

Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed – except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.

The startled horse is now in a dead run, and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground… catastrophe seconds away.

She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden…

Frank, the Walmart door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $55 steak?
February 14th.

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.

I am worried about my neighbor who was born on February 29th.
He says he is only 10 but he really looks 40.

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and, eventually, catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck.

Later, the local priest visits the old lady.

The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says "I see she caught you at it, too".

I asked my wife the other day "What do you want for Valentines?"

She replied "I want a divorce".

I wasn't expecting to spend that much!

I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.

Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”

The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies.

“So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused.

The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”

In February 1989, dogs were banned from the White House until January 1993.
They kept peeing on the Bushes and chasing the Quayles.

What do you call a frog born on February 29th?
Leap frog.

At what time of the year do women speak the least?
February. It has the least days

I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events
Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality.
The other involves a groundhog.

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a financial planner and, a lawyer, each successful financially. When their father died and they saw him in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor stacked 10 crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Next, the financial planner placed $1,000 there in 20 crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was Ralphie, the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He slowly reached into his pocket, removed his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now in Congress, probably from your district.

Good One!!

If the person who named Walkie Talkie named everything:

Stamps= Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators=Hearty Starty
Bumble bees=Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy Test=Maybe Baby
Bra=Breastie Nestie
Fork-Stabby Grabby
Socks=Feetie Heatie
Hippo=Floatie Blotie
Nightmare=Screamy Dreamy

from RV Travel Newsletter.

To Quote Hamlet
ACT 111,
Scene 111,
Line 92,
"NO"

Hypochondria is the only disease I don't have.

How do you make a good egg roll?

You push it down a hill

From an extraterrestrial viewpoint, all the space junk and satellite debris in earth's orbit makes the planet look like a redneck front lawn with a pile of dead cars on the grass.

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.It's called...'Ministers do more than Lay People'

2. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

3. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

4. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

6. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

7. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

8. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's™s a little fishy.

Police have confirmed the man who fell from a nightclub on the 18th floor was not a bouncer.

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

A police officer stopped a motorist who was wildly speeding down Main Street.

“Officer,” the man began, “I can explain...”

“Just calm down and be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just want to say...”

“And I said to keep quiet... You can explain it to the Chief. Right now, you’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the Police Chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll probably be in a really good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the defeated fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

For thos that never watched Hollywood Squares', the game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knott: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married.
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year -- not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

Good One!!

It's OK, we'll March on.

The madam opened the brothel door in Butte and saw a rather dignified, a well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.

May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000." Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row". Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Great Falls."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Great Falls."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

• You dance and it makes the band skip.

• You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

• You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

• You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

• Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

• You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

• You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

• Your blood type is Ragu.

• You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.

70-80 year olds are generally seen as unemployable due to mental decline and skill mismatch yet are almost exclusively running the country