Factory Joke Thread – July 2021

Then I secretly taught it to say, "Daniel, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"

"I'll show you yours if you show me mine"

SATIRE:
Two mice drinking in a bar, one says to the other, "Have you had the Covid jab yet?" The other mouse emphatically replies. " NO Way bruv, they haven't finished testing it on humans yet."

German children are still Kinder.

Good One!!

“Siri, why am I still single?”

Siri activates front camera.

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.

That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.

He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks;

“What’s for dinner honey?”

No answer. He moves closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still no answer. He moves even closer.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife.

“What’s for dinner honey?”

“FOR THE FOURTH F**KING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN.”

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by visiting another grave remarked, “That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”

“Oh, he still is,” remarked one of the mourners. “Matter of fact, he’s headed off to the lake as soon as we unload that coffin and bury his wife.”

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce

He asks her: "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." 
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" 
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. 
"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" 
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." 
The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" 
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." 
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" 
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." 
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." 
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? 
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. Damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

I can relate to that

Have I ever explained the acorn to you?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

Too many fires.

Be safe out there.

Older doesn't necessarily mean wiser, it's more cautious.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

And so they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

A 90 year-old man is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Because he was a boar.

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

What's the difference between an Engineer and a Technician?
An Engineer designs something.
A Technician fixes it so it actually works.

A thief breaks into a house when he thinks no one will be at home.

He’s creeping carefully through the property and as he steps into the lounge he’s stopped dead in his tracks when he suddenly hears someone say very clearly, “Jesus is watching you!”

He stands very still for a moment until everything in the house falls silent again. At this point he moves forward very slowly.

Once again he hears that voice, “Jesus is watching you!”

The thief is now frightened out of his wits and he stops once again to focus on locating the voice.

He’s looking around peering into the darkness when he spots a birdcage and in the birdcage is a parrot.

The thief looks the parrot in the eyes and asks, “Was that you who said, ‘Jesus is watching me’?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The thief relaxes and breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness for that”, he says to the parrot. “What’s your name?”

“The family here call me Ronald”, said the parrot.

“Ronald? You cannot be serious!” laughs the thief. “What sort of family calls their pet parrot Ronald?”

“The sort of family that call their ferocious, Rottweiler guard dog Jesus” the parrot responds.

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died".

"Thank heavens" his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

AMEN

i was a little slow on that one

Funny!

Good One!!

More often than not !!!

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.
"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it.""Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened.""Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." His wife looks up from hey knitting. "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?"

"Well," says the cop, "I charged the one and let the other one off!"

When I was young we had gotten a new car, and I loved that car. I loved sitting in the back seat, I loved sitting in the front seat. I loved getting to wash it, and go on road trips in it. I even named her, I called her Betsy.We bought Betsy on the 4th of July, and every year I thought everyone was lighting fireworks off for Betsy. When Betsy was around 3, I had learned that the fireworks were not being set off for her. It broke my heart. So, the next 4th of July, after the fireworks had ended I decided that I was going to make Betsy a birthday treat. Of course it was late, and I was young, so it wasn't going that well. I was in the kitchen making a ton of noise, when my mom called from the other room asking what I was doing. I told her I was making a birthday treat for Betsy. My mom, sounding confused, asked again what I was doing. Again I told her, I was making Betsy a treat. She yelled back "You're doing what?".

So I yelled back to her, "Its just a cake, for the car, Ma!"

I love my motorcycle - it's great for getting to the front of queues quicker. It does always terrify the other people in the post office though.

Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go to the lake upstate and party with some old friends.

However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, exhausted and unprepared, they decided to wait until after the final to appear and speak to their professor.

According to their explanation, they had gone to an old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with the elderly for the weekend. They had planned to come back and study, but unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back. As they didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time, they ended up missing the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day.

The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

“For 95 points: Which tire?”

Awesome