This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Seeing as the bridge is the only crossing over a notoriously crocodile-infested river, the two prepare to cross. Just before they set foot on the bridge the anti-vaxxer halts the engineer.
- How safe is it to cross this bridge exactly? - he asks
- 99.97% - the engineer replies confidently
The anti-vaxxer thinks for a moment before turning around:
- Guess I'm swimming then...
Because they haven't contacted us to say it.
"I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident at the brewery," he said. "Your husband fell into a giant vat of beer and drowned."
Mrs Smith started crying. "Oh poor thing, he had no chance!"
"I don't know about that," the man replied. "He got out three times to use the toilet."
Or the Irish version..after falling into the Guinness vat....'we tried to rescue him three times, but he valiantly fought us off!'
What is a queen’s favorite kind of precipitation? Reign!
What is a king’s favorite kind of precipitation? Hail!
from RV newsletter
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. Murphy meets him and says "if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in your bag can I have one". Paddy says "if you can guess how many doughnuts are in the bag you can have both of them".................murphy says four!!
recently spent $9,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him.....
...but they kind of taste like peppermint. LOL
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
You can’t trust atoms.
They make up everything!
I’m reading an antigravity book.
It’s impossible to put down!
What do you call a fairy who doesn’t like to take a bath?
A stinker bell!
The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"
"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21
.""Cool!" said Frank. "I can't wait to walk on water!
"A month later, Frank turned 21, and his family took him to the lake to see him walk on water. They got into a boat and rowed into the middle of the lake, and watched excitedly as Frank stepped out of the boat...but instead of walking on the surface, he sank.
After he was pulled back into the boat, Frank said, "I don't get it! You all turn 21, and you can walk on water! I turn 21, and I can't!"
"Hmm," said Frank's father. "Come to think of it, it may be because all our birthdays are in February but yours is in July..."
I started a band called 999 Megabytes-we haven't gotten a Gig yet.
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and seductively reached into her panties...... and pulled out a crumpled fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?"
He said, "No!," desperately trying to contain his excitement.
She said, "Check the garage."
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation. The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.” —Susan Allen
Can't remember the punchline, but it cracked me up.
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.
The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors
"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;
I took a five-hour walk about 5ks through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through 200 meters of brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I barely avoided stepping on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I went to the bathroom behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine. “
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor man!"
"No," the man replied, "I'm just a really, really lousy golfer"
A recent study found that the
average golfer walks about
900 milers a year.
Another study found golfers drink
on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year,
which means, on average golfers get
about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kinds of make s you proud
I almost feel like a hybrid
At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs. The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray, "Take only one. God is watching."
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs
Both the electric chair and cotton candy was invited by dentists
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish the time zones
Why? Putin asks him.
Ah, I can't find myself with these times:
I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,
I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,
I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday,
I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow.
Well, these are just minor awkwardness... Putin answered him.
JUST MINOR ISSUES?!! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!
...JUST MINOR ISSUES?!! Do you remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!
A little too much truth to this one.
When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons.
He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when he notices that he has to go to the 7th floor of a building located in 7 Ann Street 7 minutes away from is home.
He thinks that this is probably the biggest coincidence he has ever seen in his life and laughs for a few seconds.After that, he wants to check how much money he has left, so he starts counting how much there is in his wallet.
And to his surprise, he notices that he has exactly 777 dollars in bills. He thinks that this is much more than a mere coincidence, and that today is his lucky day.
So instead of going to work, he decides to drive to the nearest sports bar to bet on a horse.
He waits for the 7th race of the day then bets all of his money on the horse N°7.
The horse arrived in seventh place.
"The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age” – George Burns
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin
Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path when one nun says to the other "I've never come this way before".
The other nun replies "Must be the cobblestones".
A place where women curl up and dye
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
An insect that makes you like flies better.
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
A grape with a sunburn.
A story you tell to one person at a time.
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
The pain that drives you to extraction.
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
An honest opinion openly expressed.
Something other people have...similar to my character lines.
In youth, the days are short and the years are very long…
In old age, the years are short and the days are very long…
Two hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says, "I gotta admit I'm really scared out here."
The other replies, "You're scared; I gotta walk back alone".
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'...!
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar ...
'HE LIVES IN A HOME, WITH MY NON-STOP CHATTING AND NAGGING WIFE, HE'S TRYING TO CATCH UP ON HIS SLEEP .. CAN I COME WITH HIM TOMORROW ....???'
I have learned that if I put wine in a coffee mug and blow on it everyone in the zoom meeting thinks I'm drinking coffee.
I do same thing
was headed for a blind date last night, but I was worried. What to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there is an app for just that situation. It’s called Mum Are You Okay. It schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.
If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with; Mum ? What’s the matter? Are you okay ? It works every time, so no worries !!!
So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous with stunning looks.
But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, Mum? What’s the matter? Are you okay ?
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.
_"You are a disrespectful pig!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_
The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_
_"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_
The husband began:
_"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_
_"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_
_"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."_
_"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."_
_"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."_
_"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."_
_"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."_
The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:
_"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, *“Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”*
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
(You'll love this)
God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
and so timely
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Paddy wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Paddy is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Paddy had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,next to them, a single red rose! Paddy sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Mary"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Paddy asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in
the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mammy dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave
me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table: $ 239.99. Hot Breakfast: $ 4.20. Two Aspirins: $ 0.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a vodka, the guy will take a water because he is driving, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."
That's 1 of the best I've seen
Keep them coming
Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.
One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process
The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and says to the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?“
Jack looks at the man, who’s obviously a yuppie, he then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and responds calmly, “Sure, why not?“
The yuppie then whips out a very impressive iPhone 11 Pro smartphone from his jacket pocket and begins to surf the NASA website. Simultaneously he uses the GPS satellite to get the exact coordinates of his location. He then feeds that back to Google Earth to capture a high-resolution image of this location.
The young man then opens the digital image in Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Langley, Virginia.
Within seconds, he receives an email to his iPhone 11 Pro to confirm that the image has been processed and the data captured and stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally he uses an AirPrint printer located in his car to print out a full-color, 150-page report. He then turns to Jack, hands him the report and says, “Sir, you’ll see from the Executive Summary that you have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.“
“That’s right,” says Jack. “I guess you can take one of my calves.“
Jack then watches with amusement as the young man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his car.
After a minute or two, Jack says to the guy, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my calf back?“
The young man thinks for a second and then he says, “Sure, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the US Government“, says Jack.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?“
“No guessing required son,” Jack responded. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want paying for an answer I already know; to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars-worth of equipment trying to show me how smart you are; and you don’t know a thing about how ordinary, working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. If you did you’d know that this herd is actually a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
(not verified by “Snopes”)!
1. Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.
2. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear
3. Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.
BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor"
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low
Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.
It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.
The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:
MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION
No nerds? Weird. But whatever. Upon entering, he sees a big poster on a noticeboard:NERD SEASON OPENS 5 JULY That's today, he thinks. What's this about? He approaches the bar to get a drink and order a meal, but as he steps up, the big guy behind the bar gives him a suspicious look.
"Are you a nerd?" the bartender demands, with slitted eyes and a sneer on his lips. "
What? No, I'm a trucker!"
"You *smell* like a nerd!" insists the bartender, and his hand makes its way below the bar.
"Huh? Oh, wait! I've got a big load of computer bits on board. Maybe that's what you can smell on me!
"The bartender relaxes and smiles, and his hand returns to view. "Ah, - that would be it. Sorry mate. What'll it be?
"The trucker gets his meal and brew, and takes a seat in the corner. As he's finishing up, the door opens, and a guy walks in. He's got thin slicked down hair, parted on the left, dandruff on his shoulders, thick glasses and a face full of pimples. He's wearing a short sleeved business shirt, with a pocket protector full of pens, pleated pants that stop well above his ankles, showing white socks below an expanse of pale skin, under black leather shoes. There is a calculator attached to his belt.
The bartender glances up, and doesn't hesitate for even a moment. Hand goes under the bar and comes out with a shotgun, and in one smooth movement he aims and fires both barrels together from the waist. The nerd goes down in a spray of body parts, Biro ink and calculator buttons. The trucker is speechless. Wow, he thinks, - they really take their nerd season seriously around these parts. He pays and leaves quickly, somewhat unsettled.
The night wears on behind the wheel, and the trucker fights the all-too-common battle to maintain concentration on the road. An idiot in a beat-up Commodore blasts past him without enough clear road ahead and merges back early, and instead of holding his line and letting the muppet wear his bullbar, he instinctively pulls to the left and loses control in the gravel on the verge.
The truck goes over and slides into the wall near the end of a cutting, and the containers bust open and spill their contents. The driver pulls himself free, mostly unhurt, and tries to take stock of his position.
Then he hears a rustling on all sides, and as his eyes get used to the gloom, he realises that there are nerds everywhere! They're crawling out from the bushes and from behind rocks, bristling with pocket protectors and calculator holsters, rummaging through the strewn computer parts, comparing them with those that other nerds have grabbed, and bickering over the comparative specs of the various parts.
Anxious to protect what he could of his load, the trucker suddenly remembered what he saw at the steakhouse: nerd season was open! He reached into his cab and found his own rifle behind the seat. Left, right, middle. Blam! Blam! Blam! He started dropping them where they stood.At that point, he saw approaching red and blues, and a short time later the police were all over everything.
"Hey! Police! Drop your weapon!" The trucker was astonished.
"Hey, I'm just protecting what's mine! This firearm is registered, I'm licensed, and nerd season opened today!"
"Yes," replied the OIC, " - but you're not allowed to bait them!"
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low
I've heard that people used to chew on tanned leather to render a soft texture to the leather. I've never tried it but chewing on leather tanned with urine would probably draw a person who is both piss poor and desperate.
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
What is the difference between a presidential election and a nascar race?
In nascar they proudly wear their sponsors on their shirts.
It the truth!
. And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."
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