Factory Joke Thread – February 2021

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

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How do you like your steak

Waiter: "How do you like your steak, sir?"

Sir: "like winning an argument with my wife."

Waiter: "Rare it is!"

--
John from PA

How Do You Like Your Steak

Priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dead Duck

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

The Wife Just Rang To Tell Me

Good one, especially on Feb. 14

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good Stuff As Always

Keep them coming.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”

“Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud, lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two Irishman...

Two Irishmen walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

--
rvOutrider

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

:(

Me: "Siri, why am I single?"
Siri: [Turns on selfie camera]

An Old Golfer's Special Request

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course, and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he enters, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

- COLD BEER:............. $5.00
- HAMBURGER:........... $9.00
- CHEESEBURGER:.... $10.00
- CHICKEN SANDWICH: $12.00
- HAND JOB:............. $25.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has enough cash, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

Feeling like a hybrid

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. .

--
John from PA

Free Gas

A gas station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

Leave here with a laugh

A nutritionist is invited to speak in the RV Resort’s social hall. The topic of her presentation: Foods to avoid eating. Halfway into her presentation, she says: “If you eat these types of foods it will negatively impact your overall health, not only your physical health but especially your emotional well-being.” She turns to the audience and says, “Can someone give me an example of a type of food you should avoid eating at all costs?” An elderly man, seated in the rear of the room, raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake!”

From RV Travel Daily Tips.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

From an anonymous Doctor

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Funny!

Melaqueman wrote:

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on
the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches
you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty
years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you
had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit
put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest
in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that
she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the
next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

I was reversing my car in the garage

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

February Jokes II

What month is the best for coffee? …. Feb – BREW – ary

What month is the best month to tell a lie? …. Fib -ruary

Which is the month in which women talk the least?… February… because it has the least number of days

What is a frog’s favorite month?… February. It has a Leap Year.

What’s for breakfast on really cold days in February?… Frosted Snowflakes.

Woman's ass size study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were very interesting

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

30% of women think their ass is too fat.

60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

--
John from PA

Groan...

John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Whatever you do, always give 100% -- unless you're donating blood.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, … Moses started out as a basket case.

--
John from PA

Frozen crabs and the blonde !

A lawyer boards a New York bound airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. He then asks the blonde flight attendant to take good care of them for him.
 
She takes the box and promises to put it in the crew's refrigerator freezer.
 
He rudely advises her that he is holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he is a lawyer. He also threatens her on what will happen if she lets them thaw out. 
 
Shortly before landing in New York, the blonde flight attendant uses the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"  
 
Not one hand goes up. So she takes the delicious crabs home and eats them.
 
There are two lessons to be learned here:
 
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
 
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as others think they are.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Leave here with a laugh

Leave here with a laugh
A husband decides he has had enough of his wife trying to rule the house. One night he storms into the kitchen and announces, “From now on, I am the man of this house and my word is the law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, I am taking you upstairs into the bedroom! Afterward, you’ll draw me a bath so I can relax. The temperature must be perfect. You will wash my back and towel-dry me when I am done. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow morning, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?” “The funeral director would be my guess,” responded the wife.

From RV Newsletter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Leave Here With A Laugh

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!

Could be anyone of us !

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Puns...

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

--
John from PA

Hired a handyman

I hired a handyman and gave him a list of what I'd like done.

He only did every other item on the list.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

High school science

In a recent high school science class the teacher had decided to show the students the effects of alcohol.

Four test tubes were selected and a worm was placed in each test tube.

1st worm in beer
2nd worm in wine
3rd worm in whisky
4th worm in mineral water

The next day the students observed the following:

1st worm in beer, dead
2nd worm in wine, dead
3rd worm in whisky, dead
4th worm in mineral water, alive and healthy

The teacher asks the class, "what do we learn from this experiment?"

Student: "Whoever drinks beer, wine and whisky, does not have worms."

--
John from PA

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

High School Science

Many years ago there were real worms in bottled Tequila, not allowed anymore but now they have glass worms as part of some bottles.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

A man walks into a restaurant

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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