Factory Joke Thread – February 2021

Waiter: "How do you like your steak, sir?"

Sir: "like winning an argument with my wife."

Waiter: "Rare it is!"

Priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A woman brings a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lays her beloved pet duck on the table, the vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully.

A moment later the vet shakes his head and says sadly, “I’m really sorry mam, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.“

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry.

“Are you sure?” she says with tears flooding from her eyes.

“Yes mam, I am sure” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.“

“But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned or in a coma or something.”

The vet rolls his eyes, then turns around and leaves the room.

A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck from top to bottom. He then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room.

A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and delicately sniffs at the bird from its head to its feet. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows softly and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “Look mam I’m really sorry, but as I said before, this is most definitely a duck that is no longer of this world. Your duck is dead.“

The vet then turns to his computer terminal, hits a few keys and produces a bill, which he hands to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150.

“$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.“

Good one, especially on Feb. 14

Keep them coming.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”

“Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch, you'd be proud, lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

Two Irishmen walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

Good One!!

Me: "Siri, why am I single?"
Siri: [Turns on selfie camera]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course, and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he enters, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

- COLD BEER:............. $5.00
- HAMBURGER:........... $9.00
- CHEESEBURGER:.... $10.00
- CHICKEN SANDWICH: $12.00
- HAND JOB:............. $25.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has enough cash, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?"

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, "Yes sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger."

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid. .

A gas station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.

You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week.'

A nutritionist is invited to speak in the RV Resort’s social hall. The topic of her presentation: Foods to avoid eating. Halfway into her presentation, she says: “If you eat these types of foods it will negatively impact your overall health, not only your physical health but especially your emotional well-being.” She turns to the audience and says, “Can someone give me an example of a type of food you should avoid eating at all costs?” An elderly man, seated in the rear of the room, raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake!”

From RV Travel Daily Tips.

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

What month is the best for coffee? …. Feb – BREW – ary

What month is the best month to tell a lie? …. Fib -ruary

Which is the month in which women talk the least?… February… because it has the least number of days

What is a frog’s favorite month?… February. It has a Leap Year.

What’s for breakfast on really cold days in February?… Frosted Snowflakes.

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were very interesting

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

30% of women think their ass is too fat.

60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus last night. Turns out it was just Saturday night fever.

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Whatever you do, always give 100% -- unless you're donating blood.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' Catholic.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

I've finally told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with the emotional baggage.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, … Moses started out as a basket case.

A lawyer boards a New York bound airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs. He then asks the blonde flight attendant to take good care of them for him.
 
She takes the box and promises to put it in the crew's refrigerator freezer.
 
He rudely advises her that he is holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he is a lawyer. He also threatens her on what will happen if she lets them thaw out. 
 
Shortly before landing in New York, the blonde flight attendant uses the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"  
 
Not one hand goes up. So she takes the delicious crabs home and eats them.
 
There are two lessons to be learned here:
 
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
 
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as others think they are.

Leave here with a laugh
A husband decides he has had enough of his wife trying to rule the house. One night he storms into the kitchen and announces, “From now on, I am the man of this house and my word is the law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, I am taking you upstairs into the bedroom! Afterward, you’ll draw me a bath so I can relax. The temperature must be perfect. You will wash my back and towel-dry me when I am done. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow morning, guess who will dress me and comb my hair?” “The funeral director would be my guess,” responded the wife.

From RV Newsletter

Love it!!!!!!!!!!!

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

I hired a handyman and gave him a list of what I'd like done.

He only did every other item on the list.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.

In a recent high school science class the teacher had decided to show the students the effects of alcohol.

Four test tubes were selected and a worm was placed in each test tube.

1st worm in beer
2nd worm in wine
3rd worm in whisky
4th worm in mineral water

The next day the students observed the following:

1st worm in beer, dead
2nd worm in wine, dead
3rd worm in whisky, dead
4th worm in mineral water, alive and healthy

The teacher asks the class, "what do we learn from this experiment?"

Student: "Whoever drinks beer, wine and whisky, does not have worms."

Good One!!

Many years ago there were real worms in bottled Tequila, not allowed anymore but now they have glass worms as part of some bottles.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, it is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons a nd laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

After hours, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for the head monk. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R." "We missed the R." "We missed the bloody R."

His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was...celebRate

Hint: the upper case "R" was left out.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one  of her students. The teacher asked,"Harry,  what's your  problem?"                  
Harry answered,"I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter  than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions  he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he  agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" 
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. 
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I  think Harry can go to the 3rd grade”.
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." 
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment:  "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains  thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. 
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" 
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog  does on three legs?" 
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heatand  excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Better put Harry in the 3rd grade .... I got the last seven questions  wrong."

...my wife bought a Magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks, the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.
So my wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.
"I know exactly what's wrong with your Magnolia", said the manager. "Good", said my wife. "What's it suffering from?".
"Autumn", he replied.

Good one

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 p.m. news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story of a man preparing to jump off the ledge of a large building. The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!” Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 p.m. news, so I knew he would jump.”

The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money.

Oy weh, another blonde !

I like it!!!!!!!!!!!!

My friend bought tickets for the Super Bowl LV on February 7th 2021 in Tampa Bay not realizing that it is also the day of his marriage. So if someone is interested… The church is in Rochester, the women’s name is Clarissa.

I can’t wait for Tuesday, February 22, 2022 (2/22/22)… We can call it… 2’s day.

A man walks up to the counter. “Two pairs of underwear please.” The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief. “Only two pairs of underwear?” “Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash.” The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order. A second man walks in. “5 pairs of underwear please.” “Only 5 eh?” “Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend.” The man behind the counter shakes his head. “Well, you’re better then the last guy!” A third man walks in. “7 pairs of underwear please.” “Finally, a man who knows hygiene!” “Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday.” At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. “12 pairs of underwear please.” “Wow! You must be really clean!” The man smiles. “Yup, that’s me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April…”

What month is the Jake Paul’s favorite? …. Feb – BRO – ary!

What is a ghost’s favorite month?… Feb – BOO – uary