Factory Joke Thread – February 2021

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

Page 1>>

Hmm

First post

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Punchline

I'm waiting for the punchline. laugh out loud

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2021.20 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

Leave here with a laugh

Leave here with a laugh
An 8-year-old girl went to work with her father on “Take your child to work day.” As they were walking around the office the girl started crying. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered around, trying to comfort her, she sobbed, “Daddy, you said you work with a bunch of clowns! I wanted to see them!”

From RV Travel Newsletter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Blonde

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me I'm wishy-washy!

I mean, I guess, sort of. Never mind, I guess it's not a big deal.

Blonde or Blond Neighbor?

Melaqueman wrote:

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

Funny joke but should the joke read "..her blond neighbor.."?

Not necessarily

mcginkleschmidt wrote:
Melaqueman wrote:

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

Funny joke but should the joke read "..her blond neighbor.."?

Perhaps rude of me but...Good catch but not necessarily relevant anymore. See dictionary.com

USAGE NOTE FOR BLONDE
The spelling blonde is still widely used for the noun that specifies a woman or girl with fair hair: The blonde with the baby in her arms is my anthropology professor. Some people object to this as an unnecessary distinction, preferring blond for all people: My sister is thinking of becoming a blond for a while. As an adjective, the word is more usually spelled blond in reference to all people ( an energetic blond girl; two blond sons ), although the form blonde is occasionally still used of a female: the blonde model and her escort. The spelling blond is almost always used for the adjective describing hair, complexion, etc.: His daughter has blond hair and hazel eyes.

Phil

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

Forrest Gump

  Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions: First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God’s first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?” asks St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?” “Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.” Confounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?” Forrest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd. . .”
“Hold it, ” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind…..but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?
“Sure” Forrest replied, “its Andy.”

"Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song. . . . “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . .”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

Italian Women are Strict

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite ravioli wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite ravioli.

Was it heaven, or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the ravioli was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand, he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Get Away!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been lying

I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

It scares the crap out of their dogs.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Funny!

Timantide wrote:

No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

The Accident.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on
the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches
you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty
years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you
had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit
put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest
in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that
she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the
next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Lawyers

A young lawyer is working late one night at his new job when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make sure you become a full partner in this firm immediately.

The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”

Seniors

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

The airplane was filled with people to the last seat,

The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get into the cockpit and start the plane, they calm down and are convinced it was just a stupid joke. So the plane starts rolling, and rolling and rolling on the runway. This airport runway is ending at a cliff, and the plane approaches it and doesn't seem to make any attempts to start. The people start screaming in panic, in this moment the plane takes off into the sky and everyone calms down. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot and grumbles: "You know, one day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A second girlfriend

He told her that he wants a second girlfriend,to see her reaction.

In the first day he didn't see anything.

In the second day he didn't see anything.

In the third day he began to see a little bit from his right eye.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Leave here with a laugh

A husband and wife got into a terrible argument. Not wanting to be home with her husband, the wife calls her mother and says, “We got into another fight. I’m coming to stay with you for a few days.” The mother responds, “No, darling. He must pay for his mistake! I’m coming to stay with YOU!”

From RV Travel Newsletter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Poker

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'

Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m.... and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me.

He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

gThere was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, saying "No, I lived a miserable life because of my bad luck and I refuse to let it dictate the end of my days!"

Passengers drew lots for the second time, he was chosen again. He refused for the second time, with less determination.

When the lots were drawn for the third time, his name was chosen once more. He refused again.

Finally, when his name appeared again after the fourth ballot, he said:

"OK, I agree to jump off the plane on one condition. You have to guess this correctly: What is the total number of testicles of me and the man in front of me?"

Passengers looked at each other with slight surprise and a grin on their faces and said "Four, of course!". The man laughed at them saying "No! You're wrong, as you see!" while revealing his proud, single testicle to them. Then the other man pulled down his pants...

He had three testicles.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."

The second Mountie said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The Mountie continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her."

Stunned, the husband demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news???"

The Mountie answered, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.

I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Senior's GPS

I've just ordered a new Senior's GPS.

It not only tells you how to get to your destination, but it also tells you what you you were going to do, when you get there.

--
NUVI2555LMT, NUVI350

Antiquated Spelling Education?

plunder wrote:
mcginkleschmidt wrote:
Melaqueman wrote:

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

Funny joke but should the joke read "..her blond neighbor.."?

Perhaps rude of me but...Good catch but not necessarily relevant anymore. See dictionary.com

USAGE NOTE FOR BLONDE
The spelling blonde is still widely used for the noun that specifies a woman or girl with fair hair: The blonde with the baby in her arms is my anthropology professor. Some people object to this as an unnecessary distinction, preferring blond for all people: My sister is thinking of becoming a blond for a while. As an adjective, the word is more usually spelled blond in reference to all people ( an energetic blond girl; two blond sons ), although the form blonde is occasionally still used of a female: the blonde model and her escort. The spelling blond is almost always used for the adjective describing hair, complexion, etc.: His daughter has blond hair and hazel eyes.

Phil

I believe what you are saying, in a kindly manner, is my spelling education from the 1940s is antiquated and out of touch. laugh out loud

50's

Mine is from the 50's and there are two ways to spell, depending on Gender.

--
Frank DriveSmart55 37.322760, -79.511267

Senior humor

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”

My goal for 2020 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.

Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza! Are you happy now?

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below freezing outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

I love approaching 80, I learn something new every day and forget 5 other things.

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true? Me: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!

If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Coronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

--
John from PA

We're having fun

mcginkleschmidt wrote:
plunder wrote:
mcginkleschmidt wrote:
Melaqueman wrote:

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!

Funny joke but should the joke read "..her blond neighbor.."?

Perhaps rude of me but...Good catch but not necessarily relevant anymore. See dictionary.com

USAGE NOTE FOR BLONDE
The spelling blonde is still widely used for the noun that specifies a woman or girl with fair hair: The blonde with the baby in her arms is my anthropology professor. Some people object to this as an unnecessary distinction, preferring blond for all people: My sister is thinking of becoming a blond for a while. As an adjective, the word is more usually spelled blond in reference to all people ( an energetic blond girl; two blond sons ), although the form blonde is occasionally still used of a female: the blonde model and her escort. The spelling blond is almost always used for the adjective describing hair, complexion, etc.: His daughter has blond hair and hazel eyes.

Phil

I believe what you are saying, in a kindly manner, is my spelling education from the 1940s is antiquated and out of touch. laugh out loud

Okay, let's agree your antiquated and I'm a word nerd.

Phil

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

An amazing 2 letter English word.

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.


UP 


Read until the end ... you'll laugh. 

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v]. 


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? 

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car. 


At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UPexcuses. 


To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. 


And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! 


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, lookUP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. 


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 


When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP! 


Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night? 


U 

P ! 


Did that one crack you UP? 

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book . . . or not . . it's UP to you. 

Now I'll shut UP!

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Senior Humor

Yo there are a couple of dandies....

And then she shot him.

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

And then she shot him

Ain’t it the truth?

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Men

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off
he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Cocoa Puffs and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, they got home and they collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well
Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size,

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

--
John from PA

I’ve had it all!

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said.  "No, no.... I was paroled."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Age & quick thinking

An elderly man in Queensland owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a 10 litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing.
As he came closer he saw it was 4 young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave.'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Valentine’s Day Special! $500

Reserve Now as the best spots are filling fast!

We arrest you in front of your wife & release you on the following Tuesday.

Includes camping fee, fishing license, tent, and beer.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

Irish GPS

Being a music fan and an Irishman when I heard U2 promoting an Irish GPS service I got excited....don't bother with it....

The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

The Old Man and the Taliban

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack, selling neckties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water? ”

The old man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5. ”

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water! ”

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only five dollars. ”

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water! ”

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me Infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two kilometers, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in peace. ”

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,

"They won't let me in without a tie.

The difference marrying a Canadian girl

 
Three friends married women from different parts of the world...
 
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
 
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
 
The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty cooking.
 

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

funny!

funny!

February Jokes

  I love February because it contains two of my favorite annual events Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. The other involves a groundhog..

What month is the best for coffee? …. Feb – BREW – ary.

What month is the best month to tell a lie? …. Fib -ruary.

  Which is the month in which women talk the least?… Februa.ry… because it has the least number of days.

click the link

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. 2 Garmin DriveSmart 61 LMT-S, Nuvi 2689, 2 Nuvi 2460, Zumo 550, Zumo 450, Uniden R3 radar detector with GPS built in, includes RLC info. Uconnect 430N Garmin based, built into my Jeep. .

Shopping

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

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Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Wife just rang to tell me

The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Spelling test

I never called you stupid, but when I asked you to spell "orange" and you asked me "the fruit or the color" it kind of caught me off guard.

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John from PA
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