Factory Joke Thread – September 2020

What a guy

Leave here with a laugh
Q. What’s the only rock group that has four guys who don’t sing?
A. Mount Rushmore!

From RV Travel Newsletter

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'.

Keep them coming!

The just go off on a tangent.

To ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin". "Not a problem," said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra.” "What on Earth is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes," he said. She called the doctor the very next afternoon. "How did it go?" he asked. "Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I'm beside meself!" "Oh, no! What in the world happened?" "Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised. I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it. Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!" “Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin' here, Doctor... I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

I told her "no chance tonight I've got a headache" and rolled over. She left the room and went downstairs. She came back into the bedroom and started prodding me in the lower back with the hilt of a broom

I asked "why are you poking me with that"

She responded " this is what you do to me when I've got a headache"

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night.

A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"

He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house. Despite her age, she was still a real pistol packin’ mama. However, one day she fell and broke her leg.

An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it. When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?”

Anna nodded, and thought that this sounded reasonable.

A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.

“So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”

You want to laugh uncontrollably
You want to laugh uncontrollably read this

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Two blondes walk into a building.
You would have thought at least one of them would have seen it....

This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man during these troubling times..

Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

So Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.

Thanks!

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time”, isn't the correct response.

Don't irritate old people. The older we get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought their cornbread isn't done in the middle.

Aliens probably lock their doors when flying by earth.

You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me, because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens...

I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90's when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, “That can't be accurate”.

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing of which I'm sure: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I thought getting old would take longer.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That's when the fight started.

Me: (Sobbing my heart out) I can't see you anymore.....I'm not going to let you hurt me again.
Gym Trainer: It was one sit-up. You did just one sit-up.

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn't afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test... same thing.

There are a couple of dandy once!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....

As suspected, someone has been fertilizing my garden.

The plot thickens!

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19.

Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.
To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

How do you make Venetian Blinds, simple poke 'em in the eye!

Funny

"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."

"Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."

"Can February March? No, but April May!"

"How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"

"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."

I don't think this is a joke.

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 12. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable