Factory Joke Thread – September 2020

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

Page 1>>

54-year-old accountant

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/accountantsjokes/54yearo...

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

What happens to a frog's car

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course! The Empire State Building can't jump.

If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They're usually 90 degrees.

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey get together to make a movie.
Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio says, "I'll act."

McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

School days

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Coronavirus

I'd tell you a Coronavirus joke now, but you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

Words are tough.

Got a terrible thesaurus yesterday. It's terrible.

Two Sisters..

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

"She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

"I can see your feet.

We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

T‌‌eacher:

"‌‌If I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌ c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother 2‌‌, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌No, l‌‌isten c‌‌arefully... I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Let m‌‌e p‌‌ut i‌‌t t‌‌o y‌‌ou d‌‌ifferently. I‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo a‌‌pples, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo a‌‌pples a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Six."

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Good. N‌‌ow i‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave y‌‌ou t‌‌wo c‌‌ats, a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo c‌‌ats a‌‌nd a‌‌nother t‌‌wo, h‌‌ow m‌‌any w‌‌ould y‌‌ou h‌‌ave?"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Seven!"

T‌‌eacher: "‌‌Johnny, w‌‌here i‌‌n t‌‌he h‌‌eck d‌‌o y‌‌ou g‌‌et s‌‌even f‌‌rom?!"

J‌‌ohnny: "‌‌Because I‌‌'ve a‌‌lready g‌‌ot a‌‌ f‌‌reaking c‌‌at!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked...

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned I replied "No..."

She responded "How about now?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Puns

What did the hamburger name it's baby? Patty!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

One lung said to another…we be-lung together!

Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

What license?

A guy speeding down the road gets pulled over by a highway cop. The officer asks the driver for his license. The driver in his frustration tells the officer "you guys need to get your act together, yesterday they took my license away for speeding and now today you want me to show it to you!"

More 'Little Harold'

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
__________________

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'
__________________

The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
________________

Harold's class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked, “Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
___________________

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Siblings?

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six-year-olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shallt not kill.'

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Lil Ole Lady

A State Trooper pulled an 87 yr old woman over for No Fenders. As he looked at her drivers license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit ~ Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask if she had a gun in her possession ~ She replied in her crackly voice that she indeed did have a 45 automatic in her glove compartment ~~The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons to which she replied that she also had a 9mm Glock in her center console~ The shocked trooper asked if that was all and the little old lady held up her purse and replied ~~Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse ~Finally the astonished trooper asked with a smirk ~~What are you afraid of ??? and the little old lady smiled and replied
~~Not a Freaking thing

Class pictures

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's adoctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Frog Joke

Little boy goes up to his Grandfather and says
"Grandpa can you make a noise like a frog"
Grandpa said "I can , but why do you want me to make a noise like a frog"
Little boy replies, "Because Dad said when you croak we can go to Disney Land"

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Careful what you say

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do
the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Always use proper grammar

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation, who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate to the medicine man wondering what he was in for. The medicine man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

--
John from PA

Paddy Came Home Late

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Marriage ...

Ten years ago today I married my best friend.

Bill and I were drunk and thought it'd be funny. My wife's still a bit peeved though.

Criticism

Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning. There was a note on his bed which read, “I can’t take the critism anymore.” She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him. As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she remarked: “That’s NOT how you spell criticism my dear!”

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

WoW

Awesome

Congressman

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,

You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could

Identify their corporate sponsors."

Quote: Ten years ago today I

Quote:

Ten years ago today I married my best friend.

Bill and I were drunk and thought it'd be funny. My wife's still a bit peeved though.

So Bill is your wife's husband-in-law?

--
-Quest, Nuvi 1390T

Questions.....

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:

The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.

If they're OK..? (then it's you!)

--
John from PA

Not at all what I expected. Lol

A good one, keep it up.

geo334 wrote:

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Kathleen staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night, weren't you?'
Paddy said, 'Why would you say such a mean thing?
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly , it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant,

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Puns Part II

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!

Why didn't the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

What did syrup say to the waffle? I love you a waffle lot!

Who is the penguin's favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!

Anatomy?

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Rioting now in Florida

Rioting in major cities across the U.S. has spread to Naples, a wealthy and artsy Florida retirement community.

Protesters marching in Florida’s ritzy Naples led to widespread rioting and looting. Items taken were limited to laxatives, vitamins, hearing aid batteries, reading glasses, energy drinks, designer masks and surgical stockings.

The thugs were easily caught and arrested since they were using walkers and golf carts to flee.

The protests have been limited to the evening hours because most of the lawbreakers either had doctor’s appointments during the day or the rioting would have interfered with their afternoon naps.

The marches didn’t last that long because many of the demonstrators had to get home to pee. In most cases, they simply forgot why they were even there.

Officials considered a curfew starting at 9 p.m. but since that’s the time when most of the residents go to bed anyway, it was decided that it wasn’t needed.

Community leaders concluded that part of the problem was that residents were restless because they had too much time on their hands since the recreation centers, pools, theaters, boutique stores and especially the bars were closed due to the coronavirus. Community officials wanted to form a committee to look further into the problem, but the next day no one could remember why they were meeting.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

RENT FOR APARTMENT.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to his office he regretted it and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: "Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

It had never been occupied. That there was plenty of heat. That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!

Please be so kind as to send a check for the full amount of $500, or i'll be forced to contact your current landlady.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

One door closes, another

One door closes, another door opens, you are probably in prison.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I run like the winded.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

Not Fair

Because of the Covid outbreak, the town where I used to live has had to cancel its yearly funfair with the result that they have had to lay off most of the workers.
The workers have been to see a lawyer who has told them not to worry, they can sue the ride owners for funfair dismissal

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Happy Sunday to all...

Happy Sunday to all...

--
Iphone XR, Drivesmart 61,Nuvicam, Nuvi3597

?

rookie8155 wrote:

Happy Sunday to all...

I don't get the joke.

Think you may have meant to post that in the Chit Chat thread wink

Too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal, page 34 at 3:23PM on a Wednesday, 07/17/1994.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The picture

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

That’s one smart farmer!

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about these crazy drivers!”

So the next day, the county workers erected a sign that said, “SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING”

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

So, again, the sheriff sent out the county workers and they put up a new sign: “SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY”

But that sped the drivers up even more!

So the farmer kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs.

Finally, the farmer said to the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

The sheriff was ready to let the man do just about anything if it would get him to stop calling every day. He said, “Sure thing, put up whatever you want.”

And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks later, the sheriff’s curiosity got the best him and he decided to give the farmer a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy,” he said, hanging up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign. … It might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers …”

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer’s house, and his jaw nearly hit the floor at what he saw.

There, printed neatly on a sheet of plywood was the farmer’s sign:

“SLOW: NUDIST COLONY — WATCH FOR CHICKS”

Chicken

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz the other one wasn't wearing a mask.

Why did Mrs Chicken cross the road? Cuz Mr. Chicken was cluckin' around.

Funny!

Melaqueman wrote:

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Did you hear there is a coin shortage in America?

We're running out of common cents

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Groan..

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke.

He's won the no bell prize.

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Dad Jokes

"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"

"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"

"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."

"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."

"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door.

With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3.

When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........

"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Quotes from famous people

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

*********************

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

*********************

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

*********************

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

*********************

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

*********************

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

*********************

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

*********************

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

*********************

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

*********************

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

*********************

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

*********************

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

*********************

Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

*********************

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was: 'SHUT UP.'

- Joe Namath

*********************

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

*********************

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

*********************

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

*********************

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

*********************

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

*********************

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.

--
John from PA

An organization is like a

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a@@holes.

Grandfather of the Year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long." Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there.”
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William. This little shit’s name is Kevin."

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Blind man and his dog

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started peeing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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