Factory Joke Thread – April 2020

A young sailor on a year long deployment received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

'Dear Jack,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you

Love, Jenny'

Jack, with hurt feelings, asked his shipmates for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-lashes, aunties cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Jenny, he included all the other pictures of the pretty ladies he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope, along with this note:

"Dear Jenny,

I'm so sorry, but I can't remember who the hell you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care, Jack"

The other day bI applied for a job as a carpenter. I had to demonstrate my skills with a piece of wood. I nailed it!!!

After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida ?"

Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. ...
She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da l uncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car.
Musta use a dining car..'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga 'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus...."

The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!”

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

“Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!”

“Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.”

The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!”

“I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.”

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"

When his computer printer began to print out faintly, a man called the repair shop.

The clerk said: "From your description of the problem, the printer probably only needs cleaning. It will cost you $50 to have it cleaned here so really you'd be better off reading the manual and doing the job yourself."

Pleasantly surprised by the clerk's honesty, the man said: "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually," replied the clerk sheepishly, "it's my boss's idea. We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

muell9k wrote
Been there, done that, I learned the hard way.

I always look around the office and think, if I only had time to clean and straighten up this mess.

Now I know it wasn't lack of time!