Factory Joke Thread – April 2020

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

<<Page 2>>

Creative times

Though all the pubs are shut and most people are not going out , I have just heard about the woman who managed to do a bit of a pub crawl in these trying times ........she put a bottle of wine in each room of her house

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Dad Jokes Part 4

Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom.

How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.

Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.

What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller.

I had to ...

Timantide wrote:

They stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens the suitcase to discover two mice inside that don’t appear to be alive.

“Oh my gosh, are they moving?” exclaims the man’s wife.

The man replies “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

read this joke 2x before getting it. Guess that is what happens when you cant get out for a month..

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

Old Communist Joke

After seeing the empty shelves in the land of plenty, I was reminded of an old communist joke I heard from my eastern country relatives before the fall of the Soviet Empire.
A man wakes up at 4am in an eastern country and starts to get dressed. His wife wakes up and asks him "what are you doing?". He replies "I want to be the first in line at the store so I can be the first to get nothing"

Best video for now

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Great one

Great ONE

Newly weds, husband 1st business trip

The new wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you, I miss you."

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

--
John from PA

Covid19

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides.

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

- I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad

Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
No, he also wished he were.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseli

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Stimulus Package

It is a slow day in the small Minnesota town of Hibbing, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package works.

Loved it....and oh so

Loved it....and oh so true.

I also know the guy worked for the Government. Came to town, left $100 on a counter, everybody believes they are out of debt yet when he left town he took all the same money with him.

Lol

Another Covid19 joke

My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

 Rearrange the letters, O

Rearrange the letters, O O U S W T D N E J R, to spell just one word. Can you do it?
(Answer below.)

Brain teaser answer:
“JUST ONE WORD”

Sunday funny
Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back road

As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look.

A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape.

"Is that... is that... that can't be..."

The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back.

After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill.

The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label.

"Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to reach his usual amount of sound sleep.He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Global recession

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbor got a credit card in the mail. The paperwork indicated it had already been declined.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truck with a load of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

--
John from PA

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Duct Tape......

....can't fix everything, but it can muffle the sound.

--
rvOutrider

Loved it...

THis is now our new norm...lol

John from PA wrote:

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbor got a credit card in the mail. The paperwork indicated it had already been declined.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truck with a load of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Ha Ha, Good One

Thanks, brought a mile to my face! smile

Timantide wrote:

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to reach his usual amount of sound sleep.He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent

--
Nuvi 2460LMT 2 Units

Office Humor

Bill walks into his boss’s office one day and says, “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I’ve got three other companies after me, and I’d like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling. the boss finally agrees to give him a 5% raise, and Bill happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Bill is leaving his office, “which three companies are after you?” Bill replies, “The electric company, water company, and phone company.”

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Funny

Timantide wrote:

Oh, so your dad was a billionaire?
No, he also wished he were.

‘Funny!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

Toilet Paper

Why are people mass buying toilet paper because of the corona virus?
When someone sneezes every one poops their pants

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..'' Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that." "Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment? "

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted..... ...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Logic

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls
out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her
clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Need Bread

"Darling...fancy putting on a nurses uniform"?
"Ooh, cheeky boy...you feeling horny"?
"Nah...we've run out of bread"!

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

You Know You've Been at College Too Long when...

You consider McDonald's to be "real food".

You actually enjoy doing laundry at home.

Two miles is not too far to walk to a party.

You know the pizza delivery boy by name.

You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.

You live for getting mail.

Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.

It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on.

You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.

Whole wars have taken place in the outside world without you noticing.

You wear the same socks three days in a row and think nothing of it.

Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed.

Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.

Prank phone calls become funny again

Good one

Good one

Oooops

Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Even when a man is listening

A man was sitting on the edge of his bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Even when a man

Even when a man is listening

So very true!

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

That's a good one, I'll

That's a good one, I'll borrow that for use over the pond. We need a bit of light relief!

Staying at home

Drinking at home is not working as well as drinking at the bar. I almost asked my wife for her phone number!

False

kurzemnieks wrote:

Drinking at home is not working as well as drinking at the bar. I almost asked my wife for her phone number!

That's alright. I asked mine and she gave me a false one!

--
Frank DriveSmart55 37.322760, -79.511267

It's not easy being a dyslexic devil worshiper

If you're not careful, you could end up selling your soul to Santa

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Q & A

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins,... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Funny!

Funny!

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

The Economy

The recession has hit everybody really hard. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Really ?

I can't believe I'm in isolation with this coronavirus, and to make matters worse, my wife has just told me she's pregnant. So be careful fella's, this virus obviously reverses the effect of a vasectomy.

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: slaps me right across the face

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Ouch!

Timantide wrote:

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper

I feel your pain (fortunately vicariously).

Phil

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

Then and now

2019: "work hard at school or you'll end up packing shelves for a living"
2020: "most secure job in the country, packing shelves"

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

When do you know the moon is running out of cash?

When it's down to it's last quarter.

Ouch!!!!

Hopefully it was a soft brush and not a wire one!

Timantide wrote:

Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle

A Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulders.

He tells the border guard that the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn’t believe him.

The guard detains the guy, and rips open the bags, but there’s nothing but sand.

He even has the sand analyzed, only to find that it really is just sand. And the sack is just a plain sack.

Two days later, the same thing happens. And then it happens again, two days after that. Every time, that guy is on the bike carrying nothing but sand.

This goes on for seven years. It drives the border guard crazy. He loses his job because of it.

One day, he tracks the Mexican guy down and says to him, “I’m no longer a border guard, but I gotta know- what is it that you’re smuggling? Because I know you’re snuggling something.”

The bicycle guy smiles at him and says, “Bicycles, sucker.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Funny!

kurzemnieks wrote:

Drinking at home is not working as well as drinking at the bar. I almost asked my wife for her phone number!

LOL

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT
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