This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
Cleaning the Phone Lines!
One radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house.
Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings.
Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.
From Aha jokes
I am an avid National Public Radio listener. 15 years ago I was listening as usual and ran across this story: https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=457198...
I will have to admit that I listened for several minutes with great curiosity and wonder of "Why have I never heard of this?" before it occurred to me that it was April 1. If you have never heard this piece, it is worth a listen.
That was good
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the jerk had a paper route!"
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that's just nuts!
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I'm a faux pa!
So a vowel saves another vowel's life. The other vowel says, "Aye E! I owe you!"
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.
You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.
Why do they call it the novel corona virus? It’s a long story….
Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.
Why don’t chefs find corona virus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.
I’ll tell you a corona virus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.
Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.
What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I'm so late.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!
What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.
I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.
You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst kase scenario.
Back in my day you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.
You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
What should you do if you don’t understand a corona virus joke? Be patient.
If Corona virus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?
The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.
Still no toilet paper in the stores. They’re wiped out and you’re shit out of luck.
So many corona virus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.
Yeah I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.
What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.
I couldn't get any bread in the supermarket today,
so I went to the park and threw I.O.U's to the ducks.
There's a certain amount of irony in all of these jokes.
10. I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though.
9. A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus"
8. If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife and I die. I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me.
7. With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
6. I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here"
5. *Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
4. Day 3 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she is my wife. She seems nice.
3. Since everybody has now started washing their hands, the peanuts at the bar have lost their taste.
2. They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
And for number 1. Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge. She finds a shepherd with a big herd, and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep. The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and tells him: 258. The shepherd in amusement that she guessed the right number, agrees to give her a sheep of her choosing. She takes another look, grabs one she liked and starts to proudly walk away. Then she hears the shepherd calling her, she turns around and he asks her: If I guess the natural color of your hair, would you give me my dog back?
The network channels are inundated with coverage of the virus. The golf channel has been showing reruns of old tournaments, which are almost as riveting as watching my brother-in-law’s video of his family camping trip to Yellowstone. And my wife is so desperate for something to do, she is even considering sex, and maybe even with me.
One Sunday, while counting the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week, too.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered..
“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada..... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno ‘
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Two aliens in space looking at planet Earth:
First alien: “So how did all the earthlings die?”
Second alien: “They used so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out.”
From Sunday RV Newsletter
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in
the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
- Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
If you forward this, you must insert your name
[Insert name] Self-Isolation Quarantine Diary
Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not
Day 3 – Strawberries: Some have 210 seeds, some have 235 seeds. Who Knew??
Day 4 – 8:00pm. Removed my Day Pajamas and put on my Night Pajamas.
Day 5 – Today, I tried to make Hand Sanitizer. It came out as Jello Shots!!
Day 6 – I get to take the Garbage out. I’m so excited, I can’t decide what to wear.
Day 7 – Laughing way too much at my own jokes!!
Day 8 – Went to a new restaurant called “The Kitchen”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business. They assure you that you won’t be on the Food Channel.
Day 9 – I put liquor bottles in every room. Tonight, I’m getting all dressed up and going bar hopping.
Day 10 – Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a Web Designer.
Day 11 – Isolation is hard. I swear my fridge just said, “What the hell do you want now?”
Day 12 – I realized why dogs get so excited about something moving outside, going for walks or car rides. I think I just barked at a squirrel.
Day 13 – If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Day 14 – Watched the birds fight over a worm. The Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3–1.
Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Just finished my own 14 days yesterday.
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
...Day 1 – I Can Do This!! Got enough food and wine to last a month!
Day 2 – Opening my 8th bottle of wine. I fear wine supplies might not
And that's why the missus and I buy only the three-liter bottles of Chardonnay.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.
This has not been a good morning. After spending the last two weeks quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horrible big mistake!
I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop.
Thankfully the manager at Walmart came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride the Elephant...
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550!” she cried, “$550 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.”
My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They're his watch dogs!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It's a little fishy!
Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!
What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.
An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy. “Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds. “Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and don’t know which baby belongs to which parent. Would you mind identifying them?”. The three men agree and go into the delivery room to look at the babies. Immediately the Englishman picks up the black baby. “Yes, this is definitely my baby” he says confidently. “Er, excuse me” says the Jamaican “but I think it’s obvious that this is my son.” The Englishman pulls him aside and says, “I see where you’re coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I’m not prepared to gamble”.
...but I have never welshed on a bet yet...lol
My wife said that since the shelter- in directives went in to effect, that I have been spending too much time on "Facebook" and the computer in general, and I better start helping around the house, and if I don't she said that she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinehzyo448kdllflfnmay69dfbsmmmakkkwoemm4808512drqwazz/,.-&^%#jdgannm
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
“Congratulations! You’re a free man. Just tell me why didn’t you jump?” asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered:
“Well Doc, I can’t swim!"
They stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens the suitcase to discover two mice inside that don’t appear to be alive.
“Oh my gosh, are they moving?” exclaims the man’s wife.
The man replies “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“What comes after six?”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.
What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
A furious pounding in a hotel room in the middle of the night awakened a number of guests.
The hotel manager went to the room, and when his knocks went unanswered, he let himself in. He found an elderly man cursing and banging on the wall with both fists.
"Stop that immediately, sir!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing everyone in the hotel."
"Damn the hotel and everyone in it!" the elderly man hollered. "I just got an erection!"
"Okay," said the hotel manager, "but why must you bang your fists against the wall?"
"Because it's the first erection I've had in years and both of my hands are asleep!"
A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”
The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”
The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”
The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died. The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence.
A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer. “God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.” And of course, the next day, the grandmother died. The father realized that his daughter could predict the family deaths, and that this was no coincidence.
A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went “God bless mommy, and good bye daddy.” Her father went into shock. He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came. He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe. He stayed at his office until midnight came. When it did, nothing happened.
He breathed a sigh of relief. When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late. “I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father. “If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”
One says: -I'm a boy. The other one asks: -How do you know? 1st one replies: -When the nurse leaves I will show you. The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says: -See, I have blue socks on.
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
-Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
-Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
-Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
-Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
-Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
- Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
- Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
- Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
- Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
- Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
Every one of those definitions was defensible. Well done.
... And the pick of the literature:
- Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an asshole.
I think most of us could substitute the definition with the name of a well known national politician. I could do that but it would violate the forum rules so you will have to come up with your own.
So many questions,
Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was profanity; those that weren't profanity were, to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, anything she could think of. Nothing worked.
She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird became even madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming. Then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm. Perfectly calm, the parrot said, "I am very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior, and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - lets me have a shed.
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.
A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his floor scrubber !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin' doctor!
My credit card number
My social security number
Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
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