Factory Joke Thread – May 2019

There's no "I" in denial.

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather. While eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he notices his plate isn't clean. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Later that day, they went out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the man's grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass.

His grandfather shouts, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?"

"Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!"

The first guy thinks of a solution. "We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do."

His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.

Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.

By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.

The church bursts into hard laughter.

Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two American men leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who spoke English.

"We're well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says.

The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you."

"Yes," replied the other American.

"Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child... and asked for the father of the child to stand up."

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish" "Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER… FASTER…

BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...

Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP… Clappity-BUMP…

…on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,

The coffin stops.

Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails for $2.00
I paid my $2.00 and he says "Once upon a time there was this lobster..."

One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.
Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.

Several hours later the man’s wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.

“Is the cat there?” He asked.

“Yes…” she replied.

“Well put him on the phone, I’m lost”

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

SORRY For the bad joke!

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off.

What did one telephone say to another? "You are too young to be engaged!"

One wall to another... Meet you at the corner.

If you were on fire and I had water I would drink it.

The doctors found a diseased blood type: U.

A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”

“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction

Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

A Winchester woman driving along at speed passed over a
>> bridge only to
>>
>> find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
>> The cop
>>
>> pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
>> patronizing
>>
>> smirk & asked,
>>
>> 'What's your hurry?'
>>
>> She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
>>
>> 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
>>
>> 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
>>
>> The cop stammered, 'A what?'
>>
>> 'A Rectum Stretcher!'
>>
>> 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
>>
>> 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one
>> finger in the rectum, then
>>
>> work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then
>> with my
>>
>> whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both
>> hands in,
>>
>> and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's
>> about 6 feet'
>>
>> 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole
>> ?' he asked.
>>
>> 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a
>> bridge.'

She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

“How much is that doll, ma’am?”, she asked the old woman behind the counter.

“This doll is not for sale”, replied the woman.

“But it’s so beautiful”, said the girl. “I really want it.”

The old woman became irritated. “I told you, it’s not for sale”, she said.

“Why not?”, persisted the girl.

“Because this doll is cursed!”

​

“Well… That’s OK. I don’t mind.”

​

“I’m not going to sell it to you… But if you really must have it, go ahead and take it. It’s yours. But if something bad happens, don’t blame me.”

​

“Ah! Yes, thank you!” said the girl, smiling as she grabbed the doll and walked out of the shop.

The little girl was so delighted to get the doll for free that she ran all the way home, carrying it in her arms. When she got home to her apartment building, she went into the lobby. It was deserted. She stood there waiting for the elevator to arrive.

The doors opened and she stepped inside, clutching her new doll tightly.

The doors closed, but the elevator did not move.

The little girl got scared and began trembling with fear.

“OMG”, she thought to herself. “Is this the curse of the doll?”

Suddenly, she felt the doll move in her arms.

Ever so slowly, its head turned to face her.

The little girl wanted to scream but she couldn’t make a sound.

The doll’s eyelids fluttered and opened.

It stared at her with it’s lifeless glass eyes.

Then its mouth opened and it said, “Push the button to go up, bitch!”

​

An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.’
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.’
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,’ she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.’
'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.’
'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'You did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?’
'Well,' he replied,'Today is the viewing.’

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball up there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb!”

“Who is it?”, asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb, it’s me…Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching on Tuesday.”

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We"re outta here!

See what happens when you tell the truth????

A guy visits NYC for the first time and decides to go see Chinatown.
Long
As he’s walking around, amongst all the Chinese shops he spots a bakery called “Hans Olufsen’s Bakery”. Feeling curious, he walks in. Inside he sees an all Chinese staff, with several Chinese pastries on display. Even more curious, he notices the guy who looks like the manager and talks to him:

“Hello, I’m wondering - who’s Hans Olufsen?”

“I’m Hans Olufsen.”

“But you’re Chinese!”

“When I came to America 30 years ago, I was getting off the ship and walking behind a big Scandinavian man. At the end of the ramp, there was a man with a register asking everyone’s name and writing it down. When this man asked the Scandinavian man his name, he said: ‘Hans Olufsen’. Then he asked me my name, and I said ‘Shem Ting’. “

Good One!!!

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus. A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alright then, Alex, what makes you think you can join the circus?”

“Well, I have several talents... for example, I can shoot a three-pointer in basketball, like five times in a row.”

“O... Okay... That’s quite impressive, sir, but it’s not really not what we’re looking for. I think maybe you should call the NB...”

“No, no, wait! I... I can hula hoop for like 30 seconds straight!”

“Sir, I really don’t think you understand what the concept of a cir...”

“No, please, I... I... I can jump on one leg while saying the alphabet backwards!”

“...”

“...”

“Goodbye, sir.”

She hangs up the phone.

Alex sits there for like five seconds until he realizes he forgot something.

“Oh crap! I forgot to tell her I’m a horse!”

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I am so sorry and tired. My muscles ache all over!"

Doctor: "From not eating?"

Blonde: "No from skipping"

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!

A 63 year old woman went to her doctor’s office to get a problem looked at.

One of the new doctors received her and together they walked into the examination room. 4 minutes later, she suddenly burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained what had happened. He had the woman go sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the young doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you?

Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

A man had a job at the post office to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read, “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna.”
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into their wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $90, which they put into an envelope and sent to Edna. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
After Christmas, another letter came from Edna to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends and I told them of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $10 missing. I think it might have been those awful thieves at the post office. I can’t stand those people. Sincerely, Edna.”

From RV Daily Tips

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.

​

And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."

The guy asked, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the game, they kept shouting 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

My teacher told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.