Factory Joke Thread – May 2019

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Things to ponder

Things to ponder
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?

If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?

Why is there only one Monopolies commission?

Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

A few oldies...

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.

It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I asked my Mom if I was ugly.

She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."

I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"

He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.

It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."

I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

He dier in his sleep

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
submitted 9 hours ago by MurdererRapist2

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!"

"Never!" said Bob.

"Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB, wake up!! You've crapped the bed!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Going to confession

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Animal Jokes

Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A guy was acing his interview

when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the password has to be at least 5 characters and have a capital"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one uppercase character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A blonde goes into work with both her ears bandaged up...

Her boss asks what the hell happened.

She says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt, and the phone rang. I accidentally answered the iron."

"That explains why one ear is bandaged. What happened to your other ear?"

"Well, I had to call an ambulance!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

They say 3 out 10 people in Japan have cataracts.

The rest drive Toyota or Mitsubishis!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good this she didn’t try

Good thing she didn’t try to call her relatives...

Camel Condoms

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Ruth pulled out a condom, cut off the end, slipped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

“What’s that?” asked Gilda.

“A condom,” Ruth replied. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

“Where did you get it?”

“You can get them at any drugstore,” Ruth said.

The next day, Gilda hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looked at her strangely – she was, after all, over 80 years old – but very delicately asked what brand she preferred.

“Doesn’t matter, son,” Gilda answered, “as long as it fits a Camel.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day

The first guy says to the second
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An old, blind cowboy walks into an all-girl biker bar by mistake

He finds his way to the barstool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think its only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No.... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two men are fishing on a lake

Two men are fishing on a lake when they see a funeral procession passing on a nearby road. One of the men stands up, removes his hat, and bows his head. "That was a very decent thing to do," says the second man. "Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 20 years after all."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Retirement

Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".

Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig

The letter F

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

How come Chinese kids don’t believe in Santa?

Because they’re the one who make the toys.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I asked SIRI, what do women want?

The damn thing hasn’t shut up for the past 3 days.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My wife left me this morning because I’m so insecure.

No wait... she’s back. She just went out for coffee.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Junior Help Desk

A man was having computer problems.

So he called Eric, the 11-year-old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, the man called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

The man didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”

Eric grinned, “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” he replied.

Eric told him to write it down and he’d figure it out.

So the man wrote down: ID10T

He used to like Eric, now he thinks he’s a little jerk.

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya.

"Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day."

"Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha.

"Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon."

His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says.

"And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my butt."

Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath.

So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting:

"Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I miss Monty Python...

So many great lines, so many great characters...I’m a Lumberjack!

Timantide wrote:

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”

A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

- "Whom, sweetheart?"

- "Mike the mailman."

- "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

- "But mom, age is just a number."

- "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit

Then I caught her spending $100 on make-up. So I asked, “how come I had to give up stuff and not her.”

She said, “she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.”

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

All Aboard!

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother was upset at hearing her son curse like sailor. She walked into the room and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

I won $3 Million on the lottery

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.

"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said.

"You did what?!" the teacher shrieked.

"You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story Sarah. “Joey, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Bad jokes...lol

Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she's in for a shock.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"

She said, "Yes and No."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now it’s a Ford Focus.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it becomes fully groan.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.

Serves him right.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My favorite color is purple.

I like it more than blue and red combined.

More Retirement Jokes

A mate said he saw several elderly men repairing shoes in the back of a van. I reckon it's a load of old cobblers.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

Just remember, it's better to pay full price than to admit you're a senior citizen.

A mate said he saw several elderly men repairing shoes in the back of a van. I reckon it's a load of old cobblers.

SO, YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING???

Not a 'joke' but...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO, YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING???

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite .

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

There, now you know just about everything!

--
Politicians and Diapers must be changed often for the exact same reason...

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say

"Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

.

koot wrote:

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

You forgot 'radar'. It'll get you coming, or going... wink

--
nüvi 3790T | nüvi 775T | Those who make peaceful revolution impossible, will make violent revolution inevitable ~ JFK

The Pope and golf

It's Sunday, and a beautiful day for golf, but first a religious joke...

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a invitation to play golf with Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

“Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?", he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But, there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea.

The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?" asked the Pope………

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.”

--
John from PA

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An old Irish Catholic is on his deathbed

An old Irish Catholic is on his deathbed, and while his family gather round him he asks one of his sons to do him a favour.

"Son" he says, "Bring me a Protestant Vicar".

"But why father, why would you want a Protestant Vicar?" Asks the son.

The old man insists and the Vicar is duly brought. The old man is close to death by the time he arrives. Then he says

"Hello, I'd like to convert. I've been a Catholic all my life but I'd like to become a Protestant before I die"

His son is now quite worried -

"But father, you've been a Catholic for 93 years, you can't convert now as you die"

The man insists its what he wants to do, and again the son questions him:

"Why dad, why? Why would you turn back on your faith and become a Protestant as you lie here dying, soon to meet the Lord?"

The old man looks up, his eyes flickering, and speaks:

"Look here son, better one of those bastards die than one of us"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee
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