Factory Joke Thread – September 2018

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and the other one of all brunettes...reserve a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Joke of the Week
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Good One!!

Same for teh toes...lol

Lady Luck was seldom kind to Sam. Although Sam had a real zest for life, he was constantly beset by bad luck.

He loved poker, but poker did not love him; he played the stock market with great anticipation, but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low.

His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups. However, his greatest delight was his golf game, not that Sam was a great golfer. In fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive.

Finally, Sam became ill and passed away, but just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.

Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam’s wishes.

It was a bright sunny day and the service was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn, a gust of wind came up and fittingly, blew Sam out of bounds.

Please be careful about what you buy online. And if you do buy stuff on line please check out the seller very carefully.

One of our well-known senior members at the golf club just lost $3,800 plus tax and shipping on a penis enlarger.

When he opened the box all he found was large Magnifying Glass and a note!

The note that came along with it was titled 'Instructions':

"Do NOT use in direct sun.”

Six retired Italian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table....

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!”

So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants.
Pasquale tells her, "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

I dunno, but the flag is a big plus!

Next time I'm out playing poker I will remember this one. lol

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
An elderly gentleman went to the doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The doctor suggested a test to learn the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move closer to determine how far away you are when she first responds.” The man, excited to finally be working on a solution, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. “Honey,” the man asks standing around 20 feet away, “what’s for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again still no response. Finally, when he was only five feet away, “Honey, what’s for supper?” She screams, “Jeez! For the fourth time, I said it’s lasagna!!”

RV newsletter

I wanted to tell an animal joke but its irrelephant

I met a rock the other day. He was a very gneiss guy.

Why did the coffee file a police report? – Because it was mugged.

My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave.

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave

Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read:

Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!

I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

After 10 years, a mother realizes her kid looks a little funny and gets a DNA test done. Surprise, it's not her child! She tells the husband, who calmly replies, "What, you don't remember?" The wife shakes her head worriedly, hoping her husband's answer will fill in the gap. He says to her: "When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped in the diaper. You told me to change it, so I went back inside, grabbed a clean baby, and left the dirty one there."