Factory Joke Thread – September 2018

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Top NFL complaints

Top NFL Complaints

After shooting the blank gun to end the half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.

Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".

Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".

Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last remaining fan.

With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is meaningless.

Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin' CLEVELAND!!!

Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.

Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white week after week after week!

Don King only bribes boxing judges.

Official rule books not made in Braille.

I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Schuberts

What did the Schuberts call their third favorite child?

Bronze Schubert

Time capsule

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Gotta love memory loss...

Better than constantly forgetting where you left your keys/glasses/wallet/etc.

Timantide wrote:

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.00 I was so happy to have saved all that money, so I went and bought me a new pickup truck
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
It's always better to get a second opinion!

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Golf Balls

A young couple got married, and the bride asked her groom if she could have a dresser drawer of her own that he would never open.

The groom agreed.

After 30 years of marriage, the man noticed one day that the drawer had been left ajar. He peeked in and saw three golf balls and $6,000.

He confronted his wife with his findings and asked for an explanation.

“Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer,” she said.

He figures three times in 30 years isn’t bad, she must have had her reasons, but what about the $6,000?

“Whenever I got to a dozen golf balls,” she said, “I sold ’em!”

pray

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

Not what the pastor was expecting to hear!

A young newlywed couple was planning their future together, and soon they realized that they wanted to join a church.

They went to their local church and asked how to join and take part in church life. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks, to show that you are serious about your faith.”

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”

“Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied.

“What happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust, lifted her skirt, pulled down her panties and took her right then and there.”

“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

“I understand,” said the young man, “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Some grocery stores are way

Some grocery stores are way too fussy...lol

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
A dad coming back to his campsite for sunscreen while the rest of his family plays at the lake notices a van pulling up into a neighboring empty site. As soon as the engine dies, the doors fly open and four children of varying ages burst out and fly into a frenzy of activity. Their parents follow quickly behind them, with the mom and dad unloading gear as the kids rake the area, set up the tent, and arrange the fire pit. Amazed at their efficiency, the dad with the sunscreen walks over and watches for a moment more before commenting to the other father, “I’ve never seen a family work so well together—or so fast. I’m amazed!” “Yeah,” the other dad says while unrolling a sleeping bag. “We live a few hours away and our policy is that nobody gets to go to the bathroom after the drive until the camp is set up.”

From RVnewsletter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

60,000 blondes meet in a centre for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 60,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 60,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 60,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 60,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
If you’re an American and go into the bathroom to use the urinal and you come out of bathroom as an American, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Not American

But you go in Russian and you leave Finnish.

Clever

Metroparker wrote:

What did the Schuberts call their third favorite child?

Bronze Schubert

Very clever!

--
Garmin Drive Smart 61 NA LMT-S

Just Puns

On the second day of Hanukkah a woman accidentally backed into a menorah. She burned her end at both candles.

No matter how attractive you may find him/her, never ask a photographer to step into a dark room and see what develops. The answer is almost always in the negative. (Yes, it's a bad pun--enough to make you shutter.)

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Priorities!

Two men are golfing when a funeral procession goes by on the road next to the course. One man stops playing, takes off his cap and bows his head. When he finally raises his head again, his friend remarks that he is a very caring person. The first responds, "Well, we were married for 40 years."

A teacher asks the children

A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we do not use immature and childish words. You injured yourself... And class, I don't want to hear any of you use silly, childish, immature words. Okay, Johnny?"

"My mum and dad took me to the cinema to see the new Christopher Robin film with that bear Winnie The S**t.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

• My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her.

She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified.

Wait, hold on: "petrified".

Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Not really a joke

You may have seen this before but in case you haven't it is amazing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fgjlhrqxQ4

--
Nuvi 2460LMT

Handiman

One morning Dan told his wife that he was going to play golf. She told him that it was fine, but he needed to fix the leak in the kitchen sink first.

Dan pointed to his forehead and said, “Do I have plumber written on my forehead?”

He went on to play golf.

The next day Dan told his wife he was going to play golf and she told him that it was fine, but first he needed to fix the ceiling fan.

Dan pointed to his forehead and said, ” Do I have electrician written on my forehead?”

He went on to play golf.

When he returned, the leak was fixed and the fan was working. Dan asked his wife who did the repairs and she told him the next-door neighbor came over and fixed both.

Dan asked how much he charged and the wife said, “He told me I could sleep with him or bake him a cake.”

Dan asked, “Did he like the cake?”

His wife responded, “Do I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

Foreheads...the new method

Foreheads...the new method of advertising...lol

Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Nighttime Prayers

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do"

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy ****" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

nice weather!

Why did the blonde keep smiling in the lightning storm?

She thought she was getting her picture taken.

Trapped

I used to feel like a little boy trapped in a woman’s body.

Then I was born.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2019.20 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

wow

haha

Pigs

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

GOLs (Groaning Out Loud)

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.

I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.

Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

What do you call someone that illegally transports cups? - A s-mug-gler

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars.

The Flagpole

Joe and Bill, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bill, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox” She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

Bill shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just
like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”

Joe and Bill are still working for the government but now they are congressmen.

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

IF......

If Mack smacks Jack, should Jack smack Mack back?

--
rvOutrider

Thanks for the laughs. Makes

Thanks for the laughs. Makes the day better

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
Q: Why don’t mummies like to go camping?
A: Because they’re afraid to unwind!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

I think I know these two guys!!

After learning about diagonal, I heard they were moving on to the Senate...

TheBeachBum wrote:

Joe and Bill, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bill, “But we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox” She loosened a few bolts, and then laid the pole down.

She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.

Bill shook his head and laughed, “Well, ain’t that just
like a ‘Miss-know-it-all woman’" he said, “We need the height and she gives us the length!”

Joe and Bill are still working for the government but now they are congressmen.

Ouch

That hurts

Walmart Medical Advice

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”

“Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer.”

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.

He then went back to Walmart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

In ten seconds the computer prints the following: “1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant – twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always… Thank you for shopping at Walmart.” smile

Can you Count

One morning, a notoriously poor playing attorney stepped up to the first tee. He set his bag down and looked wistfully down the first fairway.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his bag begin to move. A small child was attempting to lug the bag to the side of the tee box.

The attorney spotted the caddiemaster, John, and whispered to him, questioning his choice of looper. “Johnny, that boy isn’t even eight years old; are you sure he can caddie for me?”

“Better that way, sir,” John said. “he probably can’t count past 10, either.”

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure how to proceed, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

the ball

A woman got pulled over for speeding by a Highway Patrol officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball.”

He replied, “No, Ma’am, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.” There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

maybe I should wear one of those nose strips...

I snore so loudly in my sleep it seems to frighten the passengers in the car I'm driving.

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed...

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed in France during the French Revolution. The priest is first in line and the executor asks him if he wants to be looking up or down as the guillotine blade falls on him. The priest replies "I want to look up at the heavens before I die." As a guillotine blade falls it stop inches before reaching his neck. The spectators cheer "God does not want him to die!" and the priest is free to go. Next, the drunk is asked the same question. " I want to look up and would like to be drinking a glass of wine before I die" said the drunk. As the guillotine blade falls, it stops inches before reaching his neck and once again the spectators cheer "God does not want him to die!" and the drunk is free to go. Finally, it's the engineer's turn. "I also want to look up because the other didn't die by looking up so chances are I won't either" said the engineer. As the guillotine blade is falling the engineer suddenly says "Oh wait! I see the problem with the guillotine!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
Hey, did you hear about that magic tractor? It was driving down the road and turned into a field!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

My wife crashed our car this morning.

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Timantide wrote:

When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

I can just see some activists head exploding!
Good one!

--
If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem quickly resembles a nail. (Maslow's Hammer)

For The Pun Of It

Back in Australia, my puns are high koala-tea!

If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? – Itenticle.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair? Eclipes it!

What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
A: People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

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