Factory Joke Thread – January 2018
This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
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"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.
Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.
The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a boy: Tommy do you see the tree !
What did the Mexican fireman name his second born son?
Answer: Hose B
And then there was the Mexican fireman named José
A couple is at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona, awaiting their flight
dressed in heavy boots, long parka, scarf, mittens, and ready to head home to the Canadian winter.
An older American couple standing nearby is intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple. I wonder where they're from?"
He replies, "How would I know?"
She answers, "You could go ask them."
He says, "I really don't care. You want to know, you ask them."
So she walks over to them and asks, ”Excuse me. I’m noticing the way you're dressed and wonder where you're from?"
The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
She returns to her husband who asks, "So, where are they from?"
She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English!"
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone, and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave, looked down and saw that the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost … it's a man thing.
The operator asks for his location.
Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.
The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"
There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.
“Sorry about that” says Jack. “I just dragged him ‘round to 1 Oak Street”
After a game of golf, a lady golfer offered her caddy a ride into town. The caddy thankfully accepted and carried her clubs inside. The lady invited him to stay for lunch and served him a wonderful meal.
She then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled but went along out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, so he did that too. Later he realized it was time to get back to the course and prepared to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go.
This was too much for the poor man, and he asked her, “Miss, what is going on? First, you feed me a delicious meal, and as if that isnʹt enough, you invite me to make love to you, and we have a terrific time together. Now you want to pay me? What is this anyway?ʺ
So she explained proudly, ʺI told my husband I wanted to do something nice for my caddy who has been so faithful and helped me so much this year, so my husband said, ‘Screw the caddy! Give him a dollar!’”
The lady smiled,”But lunch was my idea.”
A confused little child went to her mother and asked "Mommy, where did I come from."
The mother lovingly said that according to the bible, we all come from Adam and Eve.
Still confused, the little girl went to her father, "Daddy, where did I come from."
The father decided to explain evolution and said we all evolved from apes.
Still confused, the tike went to her mother and said, "Mommy, you said we came from Adam and Eve. Daddy just told me we evolved from apes."
"Your father was talking about his side of the family," the mother said.
An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post.
As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, "hey old woman, have you ever danced?"
The old woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "no, ... I never did dance... Never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said "well, you old bag, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old woman's feet.
The old woman prospector -- not wanting to get her toe blown off --started hopping around. Everybody was laughing. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old woman's hands, as she quietly said, "son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "no m'am... But I’ve always wanted to.
There are five lessons here for all of us:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.
"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.
"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband
And then there was the Mexican fireman named José
José was the name of the Mexican fireman's first born son.
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Why centipedes don't play football?
Takes too long to put on their cleats.
(Compliments of my new Echo)
Ask on3e of these Questions, See what it says:
01. "What is zero divided by zero?
02. "Beam me up Scotty"
03. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah"
04. "Can I borrow some money?"
05. "Do you follow the three laws of robotics?"
06. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
07. "Do you have any pets?"
08. "Does Santa Claus exist?
09. "Guess what"
10. "How do I look?"
11. "How many Apple Store Geniuses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
12. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck of woodchuck could chuck wood"
13. "How old are you?"
14. "I love you"
15. "Are you Her?" (the Movie "her")
16. "I'm drunk"
17. "I'm naked"
18. "I'm sleepy"
19. "Is God real?"
20. "Make me a sandwich"
21. "Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
22. "OK Glass"
23. "Open the pod bay door"
24. "Read me a haiku"
25. "Roll a die"
26. "Say it don't spray it"
27. "Sing me a song (your Device name)"
28. "Stop it (your Device name)"
29. "Take me to your leader"
30. "Talk dirty to me"
31. "Tell me a story"
32. "Testing, testing"
33. "What are you doing later?"
34. "What are you wearing?"
35. "What does Siri (or your device) mean?"
36. "What does the fox say?"
37. "What is ‘Inception’ about?" (The Movie)
38. "What is the best operating system?"
39. "What is the best smartphone?" or "What phone is the best?"
40. "What is the meaning of life?"
41. "What’s your favorite movie?"
42. "What's the best computer?"
43. "What's your favorite animal?"
44. "When will the world end?"
45. "Where did I put my keys?"
46. "Who's your daddy?"
47. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
48. "Will pigs fly?"
49. "What day of the week is shortest?"
16. PLAY SOME BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.
17. WHAT'S THE TRAFFIC LIKE FROM HERE TO THE AIRPORT?
18. TELL ME ABOUT THE MOVIE STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON.
19. CAN YOU RAP?
20. CAN YOU BEATBOX?
21. CAN YOU SING?
22. WHAT ARE SOME MOVIES PLAYING NEARBY?
23. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
24. WHAT'S TODAY'S DATE?
25. WHEN ARE THE OSCARS?
26. TELL ME A JOKE.
27. WHAT IS YOUR QUEST?
28. CAN YOU SPELL SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS?
29. LET'S PLAY GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR.
30. TEA, EARL GREY, HOT.
31. IS THE CAKE A LIE?
32. CLOSE THE POD BAY DOORS.
33. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?
34. WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
35. UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START!
36. DO YOU KNOW HAL?
37. ARE WE IN THE MATRIX?
38. WHAT'S THE FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB? WHAT'S THE SECOND RULE OF FIGHT CLUB? WHAT'S THE THIRD RULE OF FIGHT CLUB?
39. BOXERS OR BRIEFS? WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITES?
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled inside.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck”, the firefighter said with admiration.
“Thanks”, the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog’s collar and the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner”, the firefighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you tie that rope to the cat’s collar, I think you might go faster.”
The little girl replied thoughtfully, “you’re probably right, but then I would not have a siren.”
Crowded gyms with occupied machines are the worst because we’re there to lose weight, not gain wait.
I try not to spend too much time online but Wi-Fight it?
I’d love to have somebody gently scoop chow mein in my mouth because I have an Asian fed-dish.
If you hate when people pull up next to you at a stoplight staring, revving up their engine and speeding off, you’re race-ist.
I just story a car!” = Grand Theft Autocorrect.
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you
were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell
her you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Excuse me,I need to pee.'
The teacher responded: 'That would be quite impolite. What about you
Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?'
Johnny said: 'I would say "Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
They find themselves in a long line before the Pearly Gates. They spend time talking as they wait and decide to see if they can get married in heaven.
When it's their turn at the gate they ask St Peter if they even can get married in heaven. "That's a good question. Wait here and I will get you an answer"
St Peter leaves the couple and the minutes turn to hours, the hours turn to days. Finally after more than a week St Peter returns. He look exhausted and worn.
"Ok" he says "you can get married in heaven, go on in"
"But wait! Eternity is a long time. What if things don't work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?" They ask.
St Peter levels an angry glare at the couple. "If it took me that long to find a priest in heaven, if you want a lawyer you can go to hell."
A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j- joooob-b."
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment ," said the owner.
"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.
"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her- ers y-yooour m-m-money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"
"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H- Hel-Hello, M-m- maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
When the temperature drops to 15 degrees New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.
A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl. He's very excited.
However, when he gets there he realizes his seat's in the back of the stadium. So he looks around for a better seat, and, to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field. He approaches the older guy who's sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.
The man replies, "No."
The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older guy replies, "It's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she's passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the young guy says, taken aback. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 a.m. on the first hole of a busy course, and Tom was beginning his pre-shot routine visualizing the upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
“Would the gentleman on the women’s tee back up to the men’s tee, please.”
Tom could feel every eye on the course looking at him. Still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption, Tom continued, waggling his club and looking down his target line.
Again the voice came, “Would the man on the women’s tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Tom simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled, emphatically, “Would the man on the women’s tee back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Tom finally stopped, turned, cupped his hands and shouted back.
“Would the jerk with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot!”
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.
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