This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.
"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.
"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.
"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all die and are supposed to go to heaven
However, they have all sinned in their lives, so they are kept at the base of the 100 step stairway-to-heaven.
God comes to them and says
"All of you have commited sins that cannot be forgiven, so you must face a trial if you wish to enter heaven. Every step you take on this stairway, I will tell you one joke. If you laugh once, I will send you to Hell"
They agree, and begin the trial.
The brunette goes first. She manages to stifle her laughs until the fourth step, until she loses it, so God sends her to Hell.
The redhead goes after. She can't even make it through one joke without laughing, so God, disappointingly, sends her to Hell.
Finally, the blonde goes. Somehow, she doesn't laugh at all at the jokes, managing to take every step easily. However, when she reaches the very last step, before God even says his last joke, she begins laughing hysterically. God waits for her to calm down before asking why she was laughing, and she responds:
"Sorry, I just got your first joke"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she'd be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it's likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!" T he woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Heaven hath a hand in these events.
Translation: How else would you explain that Pamela Anderson video?
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
No matter how much you push the envelope, It'll still be stationary.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!
In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!!!
A guy woke up one morning..
and heard a voice inside his head that said, "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas." He ignored it, but later that day he heard it again, more insistent. "Quit your job... sell your house... take all your money and go to Las Vegas!" The harder he tried, the more he heard it. Pretty soon it was in his head constantly. "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!!!" Finally he couldn't stand it anymore. He quit his job, sold his house, put all his money in a suitcase and flew to Las Vegas. The moment he stepped off the plane the voice said, "Go to Caesar's Palace!" He took a cab to Caesar's Palace. The voice said, "Go to the roulette table!" He made his way back to the roulette table. The voice said, "Bet everything on Red 23!" He put every cent he had on Red 23. The wheel spun around, and the ball landed on Black 11. The voice said,
In one Intensive care unit
people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
1. What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
2. You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
3. What is red and smells like blue paint?
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. Where does the General keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
6. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
The don’t meet the koalafications.
7. A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”
The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”
8. What do you call bears with no ears?
9. Why dont blind people skydive?
Because it scares the crap out of their dogs.
10. I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
11. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
12. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”
The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
13. I saw a wino eating grapes.
I told him, you gotta wait. (Mitch Hedberg)
14. What’s brown and sticky?
15. What does a pepper do when it’s angry?
It gets jalapeño face!
16. What’s a foot long and slippery?
17. Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
18. Two soldiers are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “BLUBLUBBLUBLUBBLUB.”
19. As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field.
But hay, it’s in my jeans.
20. A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.”
The horse says, “Me neither!”
21. A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”
22. What is the resemblance between a green apple and a red apple?
They’re both red except for the green one.
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and sat down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride"?
If practice makes perfect and no one's perfect, what's the point of practice?
A man entered the golf pro shop and looked all around, frowning. After watching him for a bit, the pro asked him what he wanted.
“I can’t find any green golf balls,” the man replied.
“Well, I don’t think they make them, but I can check,” the pro said.
The pro looked all over the shop, through all the catalogs, even called all the ball manufacturers. Sure enough, no one makes green golf balls.
As the man walked out the door, the pro asked him, “Before you go, could you tell me why you would want green golf balls?”
“Because they’d be so much easier to find in the sand traps!” he exclaimed.
Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them...
He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was.
Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand.
He asked again, in German.
Again, the two workers did not understand him.
He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.
He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.
One guy turned to the other guy and said, "You know, maybe we should learn a second language."
"Why would you want to do that?" replied the other guy.
"It would help out in situations like the one we just had."
"What good would knowing a second language be? That guy knew 4 and it didn't help him any."
I grew up when cars were simple and drivers were complex. Now the cars are complex and the drivers are simple.
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."
"Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn’t open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it’s sad, but people need to know that there’s a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that’s a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss...
...tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, Milan or Tokyo, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Oh!!," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."
The pilot and co-pilot are sitting in the cockpit of an airplane.
As they wait for the passengers to board, the pilot says to the co-pilot,
“Why did you become a pilot?”
To which the co-pilot replies, “To overcome my greatest fear.”
“Flying?” the pilot asks
“No.” says the co-pilot, “Dying alone.”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her."
“Great!” says the frog. “What’s the bad news?”
“Well, you’re going to meet her in biology class."
A father goes to the toy shop to buy a barbie doll for his daughter... he gazed upon a few of the barbie sets and the asked the assistant for some help... he then asked the assistant why does the first barbie cost $24.00 the second barbie cost $56.00 and the last barbie cost $150.00... well said the assistant the first barbie is single barbie she is low maintenance and lives happy and free, the second barbie is married barbie is a bit extra because of the higher maintenance ken has to provide and the third barbie is divorced barbie... the man replies.. Divorced barbie... Yes said the assistant you know divorced barbie comes with kens house, kens car, kens boat..
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a magnificent cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
What do you call 4 blondes standing in a line?
A wind tunnel.
A heavily pregnant lady got on a bus one day. She was sitting down when she noticed the man sat across from her was oddly smiling her way.
Feeling a little freaked out, she moved to another seat.
This time the man’s smile turned in to a full blown grin. So she moved seats again, trying to get away from his creepy presence.
Somehow, he seemed even more amused.
When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out with uncontrollable laughter. Afraid and infuriated, the pregnant woman complained to the driver and they had the man arrested.
The day of court finally arrived. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
He replied: “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned because I found it funny.
Then when she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, ‘William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,’ and I could hardly contain myself. It was too much!
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!’ … I just lost it.”
Things My Mother Taught Me...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."
Why does Peter Pan fly all the time?-
Why are programmers no fans of the outdoors?
There are too many bugs.
Why did the octopus blush?
He’d just seen the bottom of the ocean!!!!
I’d love to know how the Earth rotates.
It would totally make my day.
Why is the math book so sad?
It's got too many problems!
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
An old man had lived all his life in the Florida Keys and is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,
and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side of Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,
and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mraam, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all
The wife replies, “He had a paper route!"
After my recent Prostate Exam, which was by far the most thorough I've ever had, the Doctor left, and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.
She said, "Who was that guy?"
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
My Grandfather had the best recipe for Squirrel Gravy and biscuits. Grab the .22 and head out to the stand of oak trees. Get you 4 squirrels. Be sure to "bark" 'em so's you don't mess up the meat. Clean them and remove the skin, and cut into quarters.
Let them soak a bit in some salted water. Change the water and bring them to a boil and parboil them until there are just done through. Let them drain and pat dry. Crack an egg and beat in a bowl, and put a half cup of flower in another. Be sure to salt and pepper the flour. Dredge the meat through the flour, then egg, then the flour again and add them to about a half inch of heated oil in a cast iron skillet. Cook them till they brown and set aside.
Now, add about a half cup of flour to the grease and stir until a good rue forms, then add water and stir until it thickens. After the gravy thickens, add the squirrel back to the gravy, cover and simmer.
While the squirrel is cooking, get your flour and lard and make some buttermilk biscuits and bake in the oven. After the squirrel had simmered for about 45 minutes, the meat should be falling off the bone. Take the meat out and set it aside. Now put the gravy on the biscuits and throw the meat to the dogs!
I hate a squirrel, but he sure makes good gravy!!!!
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