Factory Joke Thread – September 2017

I learned how to use a slide rule in Chemistry, not any of my math classes.

I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.

It's always been my Achilles elbow

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

Now that there was accurate...lol

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

Good One!!

One golfer asked his friend, “Why are you so late for our tee time?”
His friend replied, “It’s Sunday, I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf.”
“Okay,” continued the friend, “but that still doesn’t explain why you are 15 minutes late.”
“Well,” said the fellow, “It took more than 25 tosses to get it right!”

Good one

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"
A: "You can't tuna fish."

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain

Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.

Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.

Q: Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

I try not to spend too much time online but Wi-Fight it?

I’d love to have somebody gently scoop chow mein in my mouth because I have an Asian fed-dish.

If you hate when people pull up next to you at a stoplight staring, revving up their engine and speeding off, you’re race-ist.

Will you marry me = a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? = A foursome inquiry.

Crowded gyms with occupied machines are the worst because we’re there to lose weight, not gain wait.

But now I'm not sure.

A man was telling his neighbor,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor .. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. This Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambiance of the packed economy cabin.”

“Eau the Humanity” — Serena M.

“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” — Wade E.

“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” — Austin K.

“Claustrophobique” — Cynthia P.

“Mist Connection” — Cary B.

“The 99 Per-scent” — Julia F.

Tell my Wi-Fi love her.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"