Factory Joke Thread – September 2017

A man was taken to court for calling an Honourable Minister a pig.
It was his first offence and the judge was in a good mood and decided to show mercy.
So he discharged him after warning him to desist from unguarded utterances in future.
The man removed his cap and thanked the benevolent judge profusely, ''Thank you, your lordship." He continued, "Honestly sir, I didn't know it was wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig. I won't do it again. I am sorry.''
''It's okay'', said the judge, ''you may go.''
''My lord, may I ask a question, sir?''
''Feel free'' answered the judge.
''Now I know it's wrong to call an Honourable Minister a pig... But is it also wrong to call a pig Honourable Minister?''
Amused, the judge replied, ''I don't know why you would want to address a pig as a minister. But I don't think the pig would mind. It's not unlawful, by the way. Yes, you may call any pig Honourable Minister.''
The man smiled and nodded, then he turned to look pointedly at the Minister and said, ''Goodbye, Honourable Minister!"

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue
While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back and forth in a pattern, until she decides to point it out.
"Do you see that baseball cap? Isn't that the strangest thing you've ever seen?" "Oh, that?" replies the woman. "That's my husband. I told him he's mowing the lawn today come hell or high water."

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic," the professor reponds.
"What is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well, let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow, right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So, then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?'' proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable, you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well," the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if your married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's he like?"
"Well," the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh," says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why, no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well, then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"

Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers?
They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.

Why do Grandpas smile all the time?
Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

When is your grandpas bedtime?
Three hours after she falls asleep on the couch.

What's the worst part about being grandpa?
You have to sleep with grandma.

What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
Grandpa.

What do you call a Pixar movie about your grandpa?
Up Yours!

Why did gramma put wheels on her rocking chair?
She wanted to rock and roll!

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.

Why do grandmas count pennies?
They are the only ones who have the time.

Everytime I go to a wedding my grandma pokes me and says, " You're Next"
So then everytime I go to a funeral with her, I poke her and say, " You're next."

The other day I went to the ATM and this old woman asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Grandpa: "Look they made a movie about The Smurfs grown up"
Son: Grandpa Please shhhhhhh, that's Avatar...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “My wife.”

and true

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of peaches. The nun posted a sign on the peach tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the peaches."

Did you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?
I just did and apparantly will not be allowed on this airline again...

.... zinga!!

Well played.

Two men walk up to a relatively long par three.
The golfer says to his caddy, “Looks like a 4-wood and a putter.”
The caddy hands him the 4-wood and he tops it about five feet in front of him.
The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds, “It looks like you’ve got one hell of a putt left!”

Ain't that the truth

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree.

He called a gorilla removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner, “I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground.

The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on.”

“Ok, got it,” the homeowner replied, “but… what’s that shotgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said, “shoot the Chihuahua.

too funny

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.''Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

LOU: My cousin was arrested for selling faulty Tasers.
STU: We heard. Nobody was Shocked.

Q: How do trash collectors get trained?
A: They don't. They just pick it up as they go along.

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like, me sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
My "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and join something.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Mother, are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
I calmly replied, "Oh my, I think I'm in real trouble then, because I signed up for five jumps a week!!”
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be a lot of fun.
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

An oldie but still current...lol

She won't earn a living at that rate...lol

Good One!!

This joke should start a few more of these sickies. LoL

The eighty-three-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "you are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband", she answers.

Irma steps out into the crowded waiting room and yelled out loud:
"Bob, do we still have intercourse?"

There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.

Bob answered impatiently, "if I told you once, Irma, I've told you a hundred times.

What we have is...
Blue Cross!"

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Gabe Kotter: [after Julie angrily hangs up the telephone] What’s the matter, Julie? Who was that?
Julie Kotter: It was a crank call. I don’y know why kids have to make crank calls. Did you ever do that?
Gabe Kotter: [Smiling mischievously] Just once. I was about 11. We called up a butcher. We’d say, “Hello, is this the butcher?” He said, “Yes, it is.” We said, “Do you have pig’s feet?” He said, “I certainly do.” I said, “Where do you buy your shoes?”

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter’s to see some friends and have some Hot Wings and beer.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told him "The one who knows how to fix elevators. I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states

Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Thank heaven I am not THAT old@!!!

Now that's funny!

At my age I will not need a GPS unit anymore.
By the time I get into the car I already forgot why I am there.

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt
I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU
'What is your message?' I asked.
YOU SHOULD BE DANCING
Fear started flushing over me, 'Why should I be dancing?'
NIGHT FEVER
I started to become more confused then frightened now, I needed to get to the bottom of this. 'You're talking gibberish' I shouted!
JIVE TALKIN. HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE. STAYING ALIVE...
'God damn it!' I shouted. That old bastard sold me a Bee Gee board!

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do ?”
God said, “Go down into that valley”
Adam said, “What’s a valley ?”
God explained it to him. Then God said
“Cross the River."
Adam said, “What’s a river ?"
God explained that to him, and then said,
“Go over to the hill …”
Adam said, “What is a hill ?”
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was
He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”
Adam said, ‘What’s a cave ?'
After God explained, He said, “In the cave you will find a woman”
Adam said, “What’s a woman ?' So God explained that to him, too
Then, God said, ‘I want you to reproduce"
Adam said, “How do I do that ?”
God first said (under His breath), “Geez …”
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman
In about five minutes, he was back
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it
Adam said
“What's a Headache ?"

Good One!!

An 80-year-old man moved to a new city and joined a new country club. When he first showed up at the club, a lot of its members looked at him eagerly: an old man, someone we can win some money from!
The 80-year-old man did nothing to dispell their reactions.
“I hit the ball pretty good,” he said, “but I have a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers.”
“Aha!” thought the whippersnappers. “Our course doesn’t have many deep bunkers, but there are tons of shallow ones and if he struggles getting out of the sand, we’ll take his money for sure.”
When the 80-year-old showed up for his first round at his new course, Harvey was waiting.
“Would you like to play?” he asked the old man. “And maybe we can make it interesting; what do you say, put a little money on it?”
The 80-year-old agreed and he and Harvey set out to play.
“How many strokes do you need?” asked Harvey, who was only 55.
“Oh, I don’t need any strokes,” the old man said. “My game is really good. The only problem I’m having right now is getting out of deep bunkers.”
Harvey was a pretty good player, but the old man was really good. He was striping the ball. If not for Harvey’s 25-year age advantage, the old man would have been far ahead.
The old man even hit the ball great on a couple bunker shots.
“Hmmm,” Harvey thought, “he said he had trouble out of deep bunkers, and we haven’t really got to one of those yet … just be patient, I know he’ll find one of the deep bunkers around the 17th green.”
Sure enough, Harvey and the old man reached the par-3 17th hole tied, and the old man promptly put his tee ball right smack in the middle of the big, deep bunker in front of the green.
“I’ve got him now!” Harvey thought.
The 80-year-old slid down into the bunker and took his stance over the ball. Then he took a perfect swing and floated the ball up out of the bunker. It hit perfectly on the fringe, took one little hop and rolled to within two feet of the cup before stopping.
Harvey had seen enough.
“Dang it!” he shouted at the old man, who was still in the bunker. “I thought you said you had a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers!”
“Oh, I do,” the 80-year-old said, reaching out to Harvey. “Can you give me a hand?”

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."
A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they have no eggs, no hatchlings, nothing.
Noah is confused, and the snakes admit that they've had some trouble.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" he asks.
The snakes look at each other, and then turn back to Noah. "If you could cut down that tree over there," says one, "that would help quite a bit."
Noah doesn't quite understand, but cuts down the tree anyway, and leaves to continue his journey. A year later, he goes to check the progress of all the animals. The are more foals, more pups, more cubs, and tons of other baby animals. He gets to the snakes, and sure enough, there are baby snakes everywhere.
Confused, Noah goes to one of the original snakes and asks how cutting down the tree helped.
"We're adders," said the snake. "We need logs to multiply."

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one engineer, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

I don't care what you say, that they was funny.

Now I am hearing their squeaky high voices...OMG!!!

At least to the 1% of the population that gets it.

A blonde driver was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to SeaWorld.”

And more so to the 1% of those that know how to use a slide rule.

Would that be Pickett or K&E?

Keuffel and Esser always

Jeez, I can remember using slide rules in high school 55 years ago. The last time I thought about them is probably 54 years ago.

Phil

If you are only interested in approximate.

Mine's a Post 1460 Versalog.

“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”-“That will be the paper jamming again!”

Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”

Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.

There was a ghost at the hotel, so they called for an inn spectre.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

Women forgive and forget but they always make sure you don't forget that they forgave you and forgot about it.