Factory Joke Thread – June 2017

Could be those who spelled it the other way are now UROLOGISTS!

A man got stopped by a Game Warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.
To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?
The mathematician immediately responds "63".
The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%".
The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".
The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers "how much do you want it to be?"

A retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $95,000 asking price, yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $75,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.

"The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father's day."

Once again..... don't mess with seniors.

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"

"2"

"3"

“4"

"5"

(you'll love this....)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia,

AND ALL OF WASHINGTON DC.

After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls one day get together before class and decide, if today, Eddy says anything even remotely sexual or offensive, we will all get up at the same time and walk out in protest.
Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?"
The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know".
The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain."
Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building.
The class remains quiet.
The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that?
Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish.
At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out.
Eddy looks around and says:
Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are not hiring yet, still waiting for final permit.

Who was ghat stacked and that smart...lol

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't love my children".

He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a decent job".

When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full.

He hesitated for only a moment and said "you stand aside, I know you were not involved".

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life time of being together, the guy was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

“Mary?”

"Is that you, Don?”

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

“That's wonderful! What's it like?”

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. I have lunch, then go to the lake, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

"Oh, Don! Are you in Heaven?"
.
.
.
.

“No, Dear … I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed
to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see
him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad
news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My
golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have
another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your
permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the
man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year
later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi,
how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm
playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my
putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only
that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to
sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel
parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."

It took the couple several years to have him, and he was the apple of both their eyes. One tragic day on the way home from Charlie's middle school woodcutting competition, they hit a pot hole, the tire blew, and the car went swerving violently into the only other lane on the two lane road. Charlie died on impact. Charlie's mother was thrown from the car and went into a coma. The man, although he wished he hadn't, survived without injury.
The man visited his wife every day at the hospital for the next two months. Constantly begging for forgiveness. He blamed himself for the incident, since he was driving. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat. He didn't think he could go on.
Just when he felt like he couldn't take it any longer, his wife woke up. He felt a mixture of emotions he had never experienced before. Joy. Because the love of his life was alive and well. Dread. Because he would have to be the one to tell her about Charlie. Relief. Because he no longer had to carry this burden alone. And fear. Because of what his wife might think of him. Would she blame him as he had blamed himself?
He told his wife that their son had died in the crash, and she was devastated, of course, but she did not blame him. They began to rely on each other, growing closer through the pain they shared. The man knew he would never get over what happened, but having his wife made him think it just might be bearable.
Just when he was starting to come to terms with his new life and approaching something close to normalcy, the unthinkable happened. Apparently his wife had not been adjusting to their new situation with the same optimism as he had, because during the night one night, she killed herself.
"This is it." The man thought. "This is all I can bear." He went to the barn behind their small country home and retrieved a rope. He then went into Charlie's room and sobbed for hours. He tied the one end of the rope around the rafters (Charlie's room used to be the attic, and the rafters were still exposed.) and the other around his neck as he stood on his beloved son's bed. He summoned all the courage he could to end his life, but just before he jumped, his eye caught all of Charlie's woodcutting projects. Upon seeing this he had a horrible, yet intensely motivational thought, "Once I'm gone there will be little to no memory of Charlie." He removed the rope from his neck and stepped down from the bed.
For the next year he learned wood carving. It became the entire reason for his being. He had a talent for it too, because, though he would never know, by the end of the year, he was one of the greatest wood carvers there has ever been. After mastering the art, he spent the next year building what would be his monument to Charlie, a wooden puppet made in his likeness. He worked and worked and worked, and by the end of that second year, it was complete. He loved it. It was the first time since Charlie's death that he could remember loving so passionately and powerfully. And this love truly was powerful because, as soon as he put the finishing touches on the puppet, it sprang to life. It startled him at first, but he soon realized that in addition to looking exactly like Charlie, it talked and acted just like him as well. And in that moment, it seemed to him that fate had given him a second chance in being a father.
He decided to name the puppet Chuck. He originally wanted to name him Charlie but decided there was only ever going to be one Charlie. His and Chuck's love for one another grew daily. They did everything together except for one thing. The man always went by himself to chop wood because he was afraid for Chuck to be around wood cutting equipment for obvious reasons. One day the man didn't come back and Chuck immediately began to worry. He went to the place he knew his creator/father chopped the wood and started calling for him. Chuck heard him call back, which was a relief, but his voice sounded muffled. He tracked the voice to a well, and upon looking in he saw the man sitting at the bottom. He explained to Chuck that he had tripped while carrying wood and fallen into the well. As he fell his leg was cut open on a jagged rock and he had lost a lot of blood. Chuck threw the old rope down into the well, but before hardly any weight was put on it, it snapped due to dry rot. The situation was turning grim. It was dark in the well, but Chuck could see how pale his loving paternal figure had become. He looked around, frantically trying to figure out a way to save him. Then it came to him. There was an enormous pile of wood that the man had cut to make his carvings with. Chuck began heaving them into the well.
At first the man was alarmed, but then realized what his created son was doing. As pieces were thrown into the well he could step on top of them bringing him closer to the opening at the top. It was difficult to do with his injured leg, but this new promise of survival, and more importantly being able to spend more time with his son, gave him the strength he needed.
After almost an entire hour of constantly hurling wood into the well, Chuck died from exhaustion. Unfortunately the 262 pieces of wood that Chuck threw into the well, only allowed the man to reach just a few feet below the opening and he died of blood loss. But, with that, the old question was answered, "How much wood would a wood Chuck chuck if a wood Chuck could chuck wood?" 262 pieces exactly.

A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you."
Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him.
Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a few minutes hears the voice again: "Stop! Don't cross the road, if you do, the next vehicle will run you over!" The man freezes and again is almost hit by a speeding car.
The man sighs a sigh of relief and asks the air: "Who ARE you?!?"
"I am your guardian angel!" Answers the voice joyfully.
"REALLY??" says the man in sudden anger, "Then where the heck were you when I got MARRIED??"

Good One!!

Amen! Ha!

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

"He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

"The woman says, "Ok, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

"They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

The accountant says, "Chicken farmer it is."

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

"So?"

No matter what, it is rare to laugh about the IRS. Lol

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

It wasn't school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.