Factory Joke Thread – April 2017

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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If you are running late

If you are running late from work and need to get dinner on the table fast, why not check out the new George Forman USB iGrill? It's a low-cost, low-fat way to get your dinner cooking fast! Will connect to any home of office PC.

For more information see: George Foreman USB iGrill

Copied from jokes4us

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

You can also plug it in to the USB port in your vehicle.

johnm405 wrote:

If you are running late from work and need to get dinner on the table fast, why not check out the new George Forman USB iGrill? It's a low-cost, low-fat way to get your dinner cooking fast! Will connect to any home of office PC.

For more information see: George Foreman USB iGrill

Copied from jokes4us

--
Nuvi 2460LMT and 1350.

Joke VS Comment

This one almost reads like an ad for George than a joke. smile

pwohlrab wrote:
johnm405 wrote:

If you are running late from work and need to get dinner on the table fast, why not check out the new George Forman USB iGrill? It's a low-cost, low-fat way to get your dinner cooking fast! Will connect to any home of office PC.

For more information see: George Foreman USB iGrill

Copied from jokes4us

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

At the gas station

After running errands today, I went to fill up my car with gas when I noticed two deputies watching a woman smoking a cigarette while filling up. I saw her and thought "That's not smart...especially with law enforcement right there too." I went in to pay and, as I was paying, I heard someone screaming. I looked outside and the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around, going ballistic!! I rushed outside to help, but the deputies already had her on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffee!!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the patrol car. Being the nosey person I am, I asked what she was being arrested for? One of the deputies looked me dead in the eyes and said, "For waving a firearm around!"

ATTACK DOG

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises. After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you." They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you." The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner. The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

MENTAL HEALTH

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks,
"What do they do there?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."
The man doesn't like it, so he moves on and checks out the American hell, the Russian hell and hells of other countries.
He finds that they're all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells; so why are so many people waiting to get in here?" wonders the man.
He is told, "Because the maintenance here is so bad that the electric chair does not work.
Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed
and the Indian devil is a former government servant,
So he just comes, signs the attendance register and then goes to the canteen."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ah, the iGrill got me!

Curses! Guess I'll have to settle for my regular Foreman Grill. smile

Groan....lol

kurzemnieks wrote:

After running errands today, I went to fill up my car with gas when I noticed two deputies watching a woman smoking a cigarette while filling up. I saw her and thought "That's not smart...especially with law enforcement right there too." I went in to pay and, as I was paying, I heard someone screaming. I looked outside and the woman's arm was on fire!!! She was swinging her arm & running around, going ballistic!! I rushed outside to help, but the deputies already had her on the ground and were putting the fire out with their coffee!!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the patrol car. Being the nosey person I am, I asked what she was being arrested for? One of the deputies looked me dead in the eyes and said, "For waving a firearm around!"

good one

good one

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Sperm Count

An 80-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take This jar home and bring back a semen sample Tomorrow.'

The next day the 80-year-old man reappeared At the doctor's office and gave him the jar, Which was as clean and empty as on the Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door And she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.....'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

AS WE AGE

This was received from a man who lives in an assisted living building:

We have small apartments, but we eat at a central cafeteria. One morning, One man didn't show up for breakfast, so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining room.

An hour later, he still had not arrived so she went back up toward his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a difficult time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he was not in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs to the cafeteria and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to go back to his apartment, he was unable to even get up the first step, so an ambulance was called to take him to the hospital A couple of hours later, my wife called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine; he just had both of his legs in one Leg of his boxer shorts.

Don't laugh - your turn is coming...

Before it Starts

A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”
The wife is furious. She yells at him “You’ve been out golfing all day! Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”
The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

Once a boss always a boss

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

An old man dies and goes up to heaven

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Oh Lord!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Daniel Craig. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Daniel Craig, you would have come up with Johnny Depp. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Daniel Craig."

MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

Oops

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you lance his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

Quick Graners-Part 2

What do your boss and a slinky have in common? -- They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

1I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

This made my morning...lol

Gush wrote:

What do your boss and a slinky have in common? -- They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it?

1I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

Husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flipping, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

It's also mine

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Keep Your Head Down

A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”
The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?”
The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
The young man pures his 8-iron and the ball lands on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball a few yards.
The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our heads down.”

A little amphibian humor ...

What does a frog do when his car breaks down?

He gets it toad away.

Divorce in the South

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

OH no,,another blond joke

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

Quick Groaners-Part 3

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says,"Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

Where do erasers go for vacation?
To Erazona.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Why did the little boy who was part of the wedding party roar as he walked down the isle?
He was the ring bear.

Why did the golfer bring two pair of pants to the game? In case he got a whole in one.

A pregnant woman from Virginia

A pregnant woman from Virginia
was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An Arkansas Farmer Gives His Daughter Away!!

An Arkansas Farmer Gives His Daughter Away!!

A video of a father giving his tractor-driving and tobacco-chewing daughter away in marriage.

www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

a moldie

Did you know if you take a cigarette from a package it become a cigarette lighter?

--
"In order to be old and wise, one first must have been young and stupid."

A suicide bomber

A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Bad Shot

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physio-Therapist and I know I can relieve your pain if you’d allow me.”
“Oh, no, I’ll be alright. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”
“Feels great,” he replied; “but I still think my thumb’s broken!”

Reminds me of someone I

Reminds me of someone I know...lol

Short Ones

What's the ethernet for?
To catch the Etherbunny with.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke...timing.

2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2018.30 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

Doctor

This guy goes to the doctor to complain he sometimes feels like a wigwam, sometimes like a tipi.

The doctors tells him that he's too tents...

Frncea

Why are there so many rivers in France?
Because water takes the path of least resistance.
Have you ever been to Paris?
I hear the boats there are inseine!

Everything's bigger in Texas

A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman gives him a drink. The Texan looks at the drink and commenting on how small it is, he says that they are 10 times bigger in Texas. In the interest of good relations, the barman gives him another 9 drinks free of charge. Later the Texan comes up and orders a bag of peanuts. When given the small bag, he again comments on the size of it, and the barman again gives him 9 free. The Texan is pleased with the service he got and notes some positive feedback on a card as he leaves.
A few weeks later, in recognition of his good deeds, the barman is given a special award for his services to local tourism. He is given a monetary prize. With his prizemoney, he books a holiday in Texas. He walks into the hotel bar and orders a drink. To his surprise the barman puts up a huge drink in front of him. He then orders some nuts and is given a huge packet. Looking around at the massive bar and thinking about all he has seen he concludes that his own customer was right and that everything is bigger in Texas. After eventually finishing his drink he staggers up to the bar and asks where the toilets are. The barman points to a door and says that he should go through it and he'll find them near the end of the corridor.
He heads towards the door and opens it and walks down the corridor. There are two doors at the end, one to the toilets and one to the hotel swimming pool. In his drunken state, he goes through the wrong door and falls into the swimming pool. He starts to scream. Hearing the commotion, a moment later the hotel barman runs through the door and stands at the edge of the pool. The guest looks up at him in horror and screams "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Quick Groaners-Part 4

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Two vultures get ready to board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Groan...

A new twist on friars...lol

Gush wrote:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Two vultures get ready to board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

What time is it when it is time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

City Farmer

A city type moves to the country and decides he wants to be a farmer. So he goes to the local farm shop and tells the man: "Give me 100 baby chickens."
The farm shop worker complies. A week later the man returns and says: "Give me 200 baby chickens."
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says: "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow," the farm shop worker replies. "You must really be doing well."
"Nah," says the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Government Workers

Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"

Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.

Printer

I wondered why music was coming from my printer.
Apparently it was jamming.

Stolen joke...

Doctor says to patient, "I have some bad news and some really bad news." Patient says, "ok doc what's the bad news?" Doctor says, "Sorry to inform you have an incurable disease and have 24 hours to live." Patient says, "My God doc, what's the really bad news? Doctor says, "I was supposed to call you yesterday."

Sharing

Today I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy on the streets.

He told me to get lost and go buy my own.

Missing Wife

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and hasn’t come home or called....

Sergeant: Let’s get a description… Height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not too sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Kind'a brown or hazel... never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: She changes it a couple times a year…. maybe reddish-brown this time.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been jeans or maybe shorts and a short sleeve top. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she take?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A new 2017 Caribou brown Ford F-350 King Ranch 4X4 Crew-cab with a 6.7L 4 Valve Power Stroke Diesel V8 and a TorqShift 6-Speed transmission. It has a custom matching tonneau cover for the bed. King Ranch leather seats and “Husky Liner” floor mats. Heavy duty suspension with the Tow Technology package. DVD package with a Voice-Activated Navigation System, custom alloy wheels and 20" Goodyear Duratrac tires. There's a small scratch on the passenger door from when she opened it into a shopping cart... At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Sinful?

John, a golfer who couldn’t get enough of the game, opted to head to the course on a gorgeous Sunday morning instead of going to church. Having played a few lackluster holes and with a question burning in his head, John looked at his weathered caddie.
“Hey man, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?” John asked.
The caddie, not one to sugar coat things, said, “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin any day of the week!”

Good One!

Good One!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Did they find the truck?

I can identify with this husband...

TheBeachBum wrote:

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and hasn’t come home or called....

Sergeant: Let’s get a description… Height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not too sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Kind'a brown or hazel... never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: She changes it a couple times a year…. maybe reddish-brown this time.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been jeans or maybe shorts and a short sleeve top. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she take?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A new 2017 Caribou brown Ford F-350 King Ranch 4X4 Crew-cab with a 6.7L 4 Valve Power Stroke Diesel V8 and a TorqShift 6-Speed transmission. It has a custom matching tonneau cover for the bed. King Ranch leather seats and “Husky Liner” floor mats. Heavy duty suspension with the Tow Technology package. DVD package with a Voice-Activated Navigation System, custom alloy wheels and 20" Goodyear Duratrac tires. There's a small scratch on the passenger door from when she opened it into a shopping cart... At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Three things that never lie.....

Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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