Factory Joke Thread – September 2016

WHAT'S THAT?
In an effort to identify with the common folk, the mayor's wife was asked to ride the bus to and from her various functions. All went well until one day when an obviously drunk man, smelling of alcohol, boarded the bus and sat downnext to her.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a haļf-empty bottle of alcohol was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened a newspaper and began reading under his breath.
After a few minutes the man turned to the mayor's wife and asked, 'Say, what causes arthritis?'
The woman replied, 'My Goodness! It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, and not bathing.'
The drunk muttered, 'Well, I'll be darned'. Then returned to his paper.
The woman, thinking about what she had said and the upcoming election, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'Oh, I don't have it. I was just reading here that the Mayor does.

Thanks

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Joke of the Week
Three smelly, unkempt outlaw bikers stop at a roadside cafe. They decide to have some fun with an RVer dining at the counter. They approach him. The first biker sips the RVer’s coffee. “This is lousy,” he says. The second one samples his soup. “This is lousy,” he says. The last one pokes his finger in the RVer’s hamburger. “This is lousy,” he says. All three are laughing. The RVer quietly gets up, pays his bill and walks out. A minute or so later one biker says to the waitress, “That guy ain’t much of a man, is he?” The waitress pauses and deadpans, “He ain’t much of a driver, either. He just backed over three motorcycles.”

Taken for the RV Travel Newsletter

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited. "Well go look in the garage," she said.

A happy mother phoned the newspaper and reported the birth of triplets.
The girl at the desk didn't quite catch the message.
"Will you repeat that?" she asked.
"Not if I can help it," The mom replied.

A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Please wash
your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!" said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?".
"Wrong number..." replied the girl.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look magnificent."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

"Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The judge asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.

So the judge asks the woman. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me."

The judge is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

Good One!!

Test results are important too...though I preferred the nurse's original interpretation...lol

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Ridiculous

Good One

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice---they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle----keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller

Hold a beer in each hand!

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "Your a damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "Your a damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." The old man says "Hang on, I'll get my hat."