This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
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"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
Frequently Asked Questions
A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle.
After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.
"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"
"Well, it's 16," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."
"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro.
The Pro then called a Caddy.
"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder. Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4.
"Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy.
Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.
"That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.
Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot into the lake to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you shoot it?" writhed the man in pain.
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here."
When Deon Sanders asked Papa John how many toppings he could have, Papa John said "You can pick six."
It says there’s 140 calories per can of Coke but here’s my secret: I never eat the can
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning...
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a pair of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help," she said. "I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Er --", the man started to say.
"No, I insist," she replied.
"I insist," she repeated, and despite his objections, she gently moved his hands to the side and loosened his pants.
Then she put her hands inside and began to massage him.
After a moment she asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "Well, it feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Four men were in a bar talking about their children.
The first guy starts, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser as he started washing cars. But now he has become a salesman. He is so successful that he gave his best friend a new mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy follows," I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves. He is also now a salesman and he's so rich that he actually gave his best friend a new bungalow for his birthday."
The third guy adds," Yeah, I hear you. My son started mopping toilets. They made him a broker now and he owns it. He is so rich that he gave his best friend 10mil in stocks for his birthday."
Lastly, the fourth guy speaks, "MY son is a complete, hopeless loser who has not even bothered to get a job. I also just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, looking on the bright side, his boyfriends have got him a mercedes, a bungalow, and 10mil in stocks for his recent birthday.
I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.
1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and I have some bad news….”
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?”
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
A grasshopper sits down at the bar.
The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.
"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"
"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.
"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss and corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that the American team had too many people steering and not enough rowing.
As race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide a work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors' registry, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book.
However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"
.when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!" "But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
This has been around, but worth a revisit...
A man and a woman who had never met before, But who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fricking blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ...he farted.
"I think there's water in the carburetor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
"In the swimming pool."
One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.
The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pope. To make it more interesting, the rabbi proposed to make speaking forbidden for the duration of the debate. The Pope accepted. On the big day, the Pope and the rabbi sat down at a table and the followers of both religions gathered around them.
First, the Pope raised three fingers. Then the rabbi raised one finger.
Next, the Pope drew a circle in the air while the rabbi pointed to the ground.
Then, the Pope took out the bread and the wine. The rabbi answered by taking out an apple.
The Pope, amazed, stood up from the table.
'I give up' he said. 'You're too wise for me, rabbi. You and your fellow Jews can stay.'
Later, the cardinals asked the Pope what he talked about with the rabbi.
'First, I raised three fingers to remind him of the Holy Trinity. But he raised one finger to remind me there's only one God in both our religions. After that, I drew a circle in the air to show him God was everywhere around us. But he pointed to the ground to show that God is right here with us. Then I took out the sacramental bread and wine to show him God absolves us from our sins. However, he took out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer to everything, what could I possibly do?!'
At the same time, the Jews asked the same question from the rabbi.
'First, the Pope showed me we had three days to leave the city. But I made him understand that not even ONE Jew would leave. After that, he showed me around to say he'd cleanse the whole city from Jews. But I pointed to the ground, showing him that we'd stay right here.'
'And then?' asked the Jews.
The rabbi shrugged.
'I don't know. He took out his lunch, and so did I.'
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
I would have given him 100% ! Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too.
The teacher had no sense of humor.
Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7.. What looks like half an apple
* The other half
Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
If 666 is the ultimate evil, is 25.80698 the root of all evil?
As well as 1 Timothy 6:10 approve.
Pink Floyd is ambivalent.
I would love to know what thought(s) are in the mind of the person writing the answers and how the marker can continue marking papers after reading one of these types of answers. lol
And my photographer didn't offer video taping as an option at my nuptials!
A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off.
Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.
Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.
Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.
Dave said "Guys it's these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day.
When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks.
After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him.
He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet.
"What happened?" His friend inquired.
An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one.
Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!"
Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have
additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s
God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them
apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
...so she decides to test them.
First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother-in-law".
The next day, she goes to her second son-in-law's house. She jumps into a well once again. Her son-in-law rescues her, but only after pondering about the decision for a while. The next morning, the second son-in-law finds a second-hand Trabant in front of his house with a little note: "Love, your mother-in-law".
Finally, the next day she goes to see her third son-in-law. She jumps into a well, but the youngest son-in-law doesn't rescue her, so she drowns and dies. The next morning, the youngest son-in-law finds a splendid new Porsche in front of his house with a little note: "Thank you. Your loving father-in-law".
Lol good memory
was visiting Hawaii for the first time. As she walked toward the terminal she was unsure whether it was pronounced Hawaii or Havaii.
Not wanting to offend the natives she spotted a man on the waiting side of the terminal As she got to that side she said, "Excuse me. Are you a native?" She asked.
"Why yes I am," he replied.
"Well, I'm visiting this lovely island and I don't want to offend anyone. But I am unsure how to pronounce it. I would like to know if the correct pronunciation of this lovely state is Hawaii or Havaii?'
The man replied, Havaii."
"Thank you," she said.
"You're velcome,' he replied.
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room. They're the first surgeries of the day. Jimmy leans over and whispers, “What are you in here for?”
Alec says, “I’m getting my tonsils out, and I’m afraid.”
Jimmy says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
Alec, slightly reassured, then asks, “What are you here for?”
Jimmy says, “Circumcision.”
“Whoa!” Alec replies. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. ... couldn’t walk for a year.”
entitled, “You Can Be The Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of fun that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A big train was traveling across the country. After a while the first engine broke down. The driver continued at half-power, but then the other engine failed and the train came to a standstill. Speaking over the intercom, the driver told the passengers: “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed and we will be stuck here. The good news is that you decided to take the train instead of an airplane.”
A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.
He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious at this point. She yells at him, "You've been out golfing all day. Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunk, fat slob, and furthermore–"
The man sighs and says, "See? It's started."
I wonder how it finished? lol
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you.
A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"
The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? '
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'
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