Factory Joke Thread – July 2015

What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB...

Ron, at 70 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf
shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round,
he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to
wear them home to show the misses.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and
said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Sandy at age 68, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Ron stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except
for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Sandy, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW???"
Sandy looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
"Ron, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ron yells out,
"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Sandy?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!
Without missing a beat old Sandy replies,

"Shoulda bought a new golf hat”!

Snicker snicker!

That's funny just thinking about it!

Thank God the stewardess wasn't as described above!

He stole a train but told the judge he had a good loco-motive.

The railway had a safety problem, but tried to cover its tracks.

What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.

What do you call a train that eats toffee? A chew, chew train.

I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.... ....... "I'm sorry," said the maître d', "you can't come in here without a Thai."

He sits next to his friend Bill and orders two shots of whiskey.
Bill asks him, "How'd you break your arm, Jim?"
Jim downs a shot of whiskey and says, "Well, you see, about two years ago--"
Bill interrupts him, "Woah woah, two YEARS! You didn't break your arm two YEARS ago!"
Jim scowls. "You gonna let me tell the story, or not? Anyway..."
"About two years ago, I was driving down Rural 80. It was almost sunset but I was hours away from the city. My car runs out of gas outside a farm out in the middle of the fields.
I go knock on the door of the farmhouse, hoping they'll let me use the phone. A complete knockout of a lady answers the door, sexiest thing you ever saw. Said their phone's out of service, but I'm welcome to use the guest bedroom overnight and walk for gas in the morning.
She lives alone, and offers to make us both dinner. We eat, we talk, it's real pleasant. After dinner she walks over to me, leans in close and asks,
"Is there... anything else I can do for you?"
Well, dinner was good, and the dessert topped it off real nice, so I patted my stomach and told her I was fine, but thanks all the same.
We retire to the living room, and she offers me the big soft recliner. Pours us some scotch, we drink and laugh. It starts getting late, she walks over to me, stands behind the chair and rubs my shoulders. She asks,
"Is there... anything else I can do for you?"
Well the shoulder rub feels mighty nice, so I tell her I'm fine, but thanks all the same.
It's real late now and I gotta walk for gas in the morning. I retire to her guest room, settle in and get comfy. Right as I'm dozing off, the door creaks open. She's standing in the doorway wearing pajamas that're almost transparent. She flips her hair over her should and asks,
"Is there... anything else I can do for you?"
It'd been a long day, I'm tired, I yawn and tell her I'm fine, but thanks all the same. In the morning I go get gas and drive on to the city."
Jim sits in silence, his story done. Bill, frustrated, asks Jim, "What in the hell does that have to do with your broken ARM?!"
Jim downs his second shot of whiskey, turns to Bill, and says, "Yesterday I was cleaning my gutters out, when it finally hit me what that lady was getting at. Slapped my forehead so hard I fell off the ladder and broke my arm.

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.
The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks, " Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."

My daughter brought her fiancée home to meet her mother and me. I asked the young man, "How do you intend to support my daughter?"
He replied, "Well, sir, I didn't go to college and have had trouble finding a job but I know that God will provide."
I then asked, "Do you have any savings that you can live on until you get on your feet?"
He answered, "Unfortunately, no sir. I haven't a penny to my name, but I'm sure that God will provide."
Finally, I asked, "Can you ask your family for financial assistance to help you through the early days of your marriage?"
"No sir. My family has barely enough money to pay their own bills. But I'm sure that God will provide for me and your daughter."
I left him to go find my wife and report back on our conversation. "So how'd it go?" she asked. I replied, "Well the bad news is he hasn't got a pot to piss in. The good news is he thinks I'm God.

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket,
and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I
may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this
silken
robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.'

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he
gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How
can this be?'

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you
preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve mushrooms."
The mushroom says, "Aw, come on! I'm a fun guy!"

Good One!!!

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father, "Important thing is we're all togethertoday."

Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time."

"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep", said the father, "Cheap ones too…"

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

There is 5 minutes of my life I'll never get back

The sign reads "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."
A car speeds through yelling at them "F** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"

Didn't see that one coming....lol

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of dog food for my loyal pet, Cody the Wonder Dog, which weighs at almost 80 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Perfect Dog Food Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Dry Dog Food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the"Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to t

"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"  
 
Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.

She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket"?

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste?
Because that last dentist was out killing lions.

What's a banker's favorite Olympic event? The vault.

Old Olympic skiers never die. They just go downhill.

I love the Olympics. I'm carrying quite a torch for them.

It's always a leap year for high jumpers.

Hey Cortana, Open the pod bay doors, HAL.

...

A sultry voice responds:

I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.