Factory Joke Thread – May 2015

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

"It's supposed to be a tiger!" Sally cried.

"Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!"

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

One grasshopper told another about eating corn. It went in one ear and out the other.

Scientists have created a flea from scratch.

Insects that make honey are always on their best bee-hive-iour.
When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.

A smelly ant was expelled from the colony because he was deodorant.

A person says "I am not Fat, I just have big Bones"

Now I ask...
Have you ever seen a Fat Skeleton?

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

I sent this one to all my blonde friends...especially the smart ones.

Thanks!

Very Good!!

Boo how's

Thanks

....a knock-knock joke, but I would have to tell it in person. It's just not the same when you try to write it down.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the guys. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel?”He replied, “It feels wonderful, but I think my thumb is still broken.”

Sounds like a certain GPS company I have heard of

Ehhhhhxcellent!!!

A road crew supervisor in Minnesota hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. The supervisor was skeptical about hiring him since Ole didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and he told the supervisor that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so.

He explained to Ole that his work for the day would be to complete 2 miles of center-line on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.

After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.

On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.

On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road.

Ole was called to the supervisor's office and asked what the problem was. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?"

"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself. Every day I get farder and farder avay from da paint can."

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat

pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and
chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to

see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"

said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:

"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SH*T" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited

there again.

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?

An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?

I love being married. It???s so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Anyone Who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.

I wear my wife???s glasses because she wants me to see things her way.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and theworld laughs louder.

Why are they called apartments if they are joined together?

An archaeologist is a best husband a woman can get. As older she grows, the more interested he is in her.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?

I love being married. It???s so great to find that special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Anyone Who thinks he is too small to make a difference has never been in bed with a mosquito.

I wear my wife???s glasses because she wants me to see things her way.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.

•  How does the Solar System hold up its trousers? With an asteroid belt.

• What kinds of music do planets sing? Neptunes.

• An astronaut broke the law of gravity and earned a suspended sentence.

• That was a poor joke about infinity – it didn't have an ending.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

Tim Vine

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?

A. Polaroids.

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By November 29, 2015
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL AND FOR THE SAFETY OF OUR INSTRUCTORS,
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours.?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping.? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet.?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos.?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT.!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right.! -- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11

Learning to Live -- How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.